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My life is falling apart.

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And I don't even have the energy to pick myself up anymore.
I've always just got on with my life, through the good and the bad. I've never been a motivated person and when I thought things were bad last year, how I wish I was there now.
I've always loved my parents and i've had quite a good relationship with both of them. We have always been a happy family. My mother and I have a horse together, so that has always been out "thing" and my dad and I both enjoy films and get quality time watching them together. I have always been scared of losing a parent. My mother has had breat cancer twice, my dad has heart failure and kidney problems. My home life was actually fantastic up until the start of this year.
My mother suffered a cardiac arrest at the start of January, it was lucky my dad was there when it happened as we were able to call 999 and start CPR straight away. I'm not going to go into detail because it would be pages long, but we were told that she had serious brain damage due to the lack of oxygen to her brain. She was in a coma for 3 weeks and all we could do was wait to see hoe she responded. At first there was nothing, she was on a ventilator, eyes closed an no response. Then she started to breath more by her self. Eventually she was taken off the ventilator and she even madaged to open her eyes but that was it. She couldn't talk or respond or move she just had her eyes open and I thought that was it for the rest of her life.
Months later here we are. My mother made a fantastic recovery and is walking and talking and apart from some short term memory loss and co-ordination problems she is pretty much functunal. The only thing is, she is a different person. She isnt the person I used to know, she has different views, different values, different tastes and a different personality. She hates horses now and wants nothing to do with them. I know I should be so greatful to have my mother still here, but in a way she isn't my mother and I feel guilty because i'm greiving for my mum I lost yet having to learn to love the new person she has become.
I hate my home life now. I am a full time carer for her, I do all the washing, ironing, housework and cooking because my dad works long irregular hours, but he does help out when he can. I'm 19 and have had to put my life on hold.
I have 1 close friend who lives away when at uni, so I never see her. All my other college and high school friends I have lost contact with and a few of my other close friends now have disowned me because of something terrible I did and they want nothing to do with me.
I hate myself. Everything from who I am to the way I look. There isn't one thing about me I like. I'm ugly and obese from all the comfort eating. I have no self confidence.
I've never had a boyfriend and am still a virgin. The only guy to ever like me ran off with my beft friend whilst I was seeing him. Every single friend I know has a boyfriend or girl friend and I feel so unloved.
I might have to sell my horse because my mum was in massive debt and we can't afford her any more and one of my friends who doesnt speak to me is stabled there and it's just so awkward now.
I feel like I have no future, I don't know how things can get any better from here?
My 15 year old cousin died at the end of December last year. He has a virus and died in his sleep. He had so much going for him, he was so popular and loved and had every oppertuity in the world and I feel like it should have been me who died instead of him.
I don't have the energy any more to start changing the things I hate, it's just too much.
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replied July 16th, 2011
Extremely eHealthy
hi, your mom must have a dr so try to ask for help and do so from dad.
how about aunts and uncles
u could read some self help books
u could ask your church or join one
u need to look forward and realize life is not fair and u can learn the hard way or u can take advantage of all the knowledge available to u free
so start with your diet, go on a low carb or low glycemic index diet because they will give u fast results and u don't need carbs anyway
U have to start somewhere so please start with yourself
look up Transandental Meditation as u can learn it free
also try yoga; again something u can learn free and these things will give u a goal
NOW AS TO the something terrible u did; appologize and ask for forgiveness and u may find your friends want to have a reason to help u
best wishes
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replied May 4th, 2013
I love you Primelle. I haven't shared the same life that you've had, but I know what it's like to hate myself and feel absolutely terrible. You're not alone <3
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replied May 26th, 2013
I know it hurts...
I dont know how I cam across this but I just want to say that life is full of illusions. Its when these things pile up all around you and they start to "penetrate" how you see yourself that damage is done by you. Its hard because in my life I feel like I am falling apart as well. I used to think highly of who I was and how I handled situations and now it just seems like why bother.....this "attitude" is the corosive acid on my psyche. I don't know how to pull up feels like a nose dive. Until I step back and see how big the universe is...regardless of outcome would any more worry change the world..any more negativity? No. What would change the world though is a person that knows no matter what at all cost a postive frame of mind must be achieved. You must find out what makes this change in you. People are complex and no body and NOBODY can tell you how to be happy. If you love horses then find someone else that shares that and share it with them man or women it does not matter just connect as friends with a common intrest, As the previous commenter stated...I love you I understand 100 percent where you are at and if I had the power to stop it I would....the truth is you have the power not I.
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replied June 16th, 2013
look at yourself everyday and tell yourself you are beautiful and its called self esteem for a reason,it all starts with you.work on your self esteem and also be positive,do things you loe and appreciate who God made you to be.your mom will be ayt and about the boyfriend issue, let love find you,dont look for it besides the only thing u gonna get is heartbreak so be patient and when the time is right the right guy will come along. love you girl and stay strong
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