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my life is falling apart

My wife and I have been together four years and married for just over a year. We have a wonderful 2 year old son who we both adore. We are having major problems and she is on the brink of ending it.

Here;s the breakdown.

At my bachelor party, the guys took me out to the strip club. During one of the lap dances, the dancer unzipped my pants and began to, well ya know. I stopped in within seconds but felt terrible guilt.

Three weeks later (after the wedding), I told my wife what happened. She was very upset and I felt even worse. I ruined her honeymoon stage.

We enrolled afterward in marriage counesling for a few months but we both agreed it was not helping.

Fast forward to two months ago, my wife told me she is very unhappy and that she wanted space. I resisted at first but then agreed.

Her big three things were that I was still smoking cigs, that I had my own seperate back account (I gave her money for the bills and never took money out of our joint account) and that I wasn't spending enough time with my son (not being neglectful by any means but that I wasn't spending enough with him.)

After five weeks, we talked and she said she was willing to give it a shot. By this time, I had closed by personal account and had my check going into our joint account and had been letting her handle all fiances. I also had been doing much more with my son, which was great. Again, I always spent time with him,put him down for naps, changed diapers and helped with baths before all this. I just wasn't; spending enough quaility time with him, ya know? I have almost completely quit smoking and do not ever smoke in front of her.

We began sleeping in the same bed and hanging out. The last week and a half, I became very frustrated that we were not making the progress (ie. normal affection, sex, etc.) and confronted her. She said she wasn't ready for that and that every time I bring up the relationship, it pushes her further away. She said I need to just go with the flow and see what happens. I try but it's so hard to sorta live in limbo.

She said as of now she doesn't want to be with me due to us fighting a couple times a week in regards to talking about the relationship. I know that if I have a chance, I have to just go with the flow but it's so hard. That goes against everything that is common sense. Talking about problems is the only way to solve them in my eyes.

I have asked her to go back to marriage counseling and she has finally agreed but we do not have the money at this time to do so. I told her last night that I won't bring up "the relationship" until Labor Day and that I will just go with the flow.

Lastly, she has noted that I have changed my ways in regards to the smoking, bank account and spending time with son but that now, it's bigger than that. She says she resents me and needs to see if she can get past it.

I have apolgized for the mistakes i've made time and time again. I love my wife and and willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. i'm depressed, and barley eat but have to act like every thing is great around her. She called me a crybaby because this has affected me so much. That hurt. I would think most women would love for their husband to be willing to change, go to counseling, etc.

I take full responsiblity for the mistakes I have made. I just don't know what to do. Advice?
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replied August 13th, 2010
Community Volunteer
Hi scumbag101,

You are not a scumbag. You did nothing wrong. When you went to your bachelor party given by your friends, you did exactly what a man who is committed to his woman should do, Stop, Look and Think. The only thing I think you should of done differently is not to have told your now wife. I understand you felt the need to get it off of your chest due to guilt but really you didn't allow what could of been a guilty act to occur.

Some women and so it seems (you married one of them), are super sensitive and refuse to let any imperfection go unpunished unless made by themselves. You can't rewind the clock of Father Time and undo what was never done---You have changed as much as you should for your wife. Now, it is her turn to grow up, toughen up, and stop punishing you. Here is my suggestion. Tell your wife you understand that she feels betrayed prior to your marriage but now that you are married and you have done everthing she has asked you to do, you also need for her to stop punishing you. Tell her you love her and have tried to prove it, however, you need to know if she is willing to forgive you and to stop treating you like her child by telling you to, "Go with the flow." Get the seperate bank account re-established, I think the flow is going to lead to the curb. She wants you to suffer for the rest of your married life. This gives her some kind of self satisfaction, seeing you in the kind of pain she felt when you told her about what happened, which was absolutely Nothing!!!(although any rational wife would know that).

Good Luck,

Faded Rose
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replied September 30th, 2010
the other reasons -bank account etc are really just excuses. what it really is that she feels you cheated.
You decided to go to a strip club and now you are paying the price. You got a private dance and think that your wife should just have to accept it. Well here's the problem -most strip clubs (and obviously the one you went to is one of these) are really just a place for sexual activity to occur. --- You should never have allowed yourself to be in a position where a stripper would be able to go down your pants.--- And by the way if she started to 'you know' after she took your zipper down I have to wonder how long you let it go on. Sorry but any man that allows a woman other than his wife to zip down his pants and lets it go on even seconds has done something wrong. You should have stopped at the door to the strip club and had some respect for your wife and the relationship you have with her. I think that is your wife's thought process on this. As such she feels you have cheated and once that happens trust is nearly impossible to regain Try counseling again but it might be too little too late
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replied November 17th, 2011
She is the one with the problem, she will need professional help to get over this, having been the one who has been cheated on it could take her at least a year to get over it. If I was you I'd separate from her for 6 months. If she wants to give it another shot after a then go for it. During the separation it's probably going to take her being with someone else to get over it. But if its real love she'll come back. You do not want to be in a realtionship if she hasn't got over it. Even if she forgives you it will be brought up every argument and she will use it as an excuse to make your life a living hell. Put it to her, "Get Help" or "Get Out", before you waste what little of your life you have left. And if it doesn't work out dedicate the rest of life to your kid and if you have any time left over try and find someone else(preferably more mature)
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