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my life is ending with my moms depression, please help....

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hello, i am new here. i dont have no where to turn or no insurance for a shrink so please help me with advice before i admit myself and go crazy because this is making me very ill now. god bless you for helping and please exuse grammer, i have not slept..
well, i am 30, i have a marriage thats very rocky and 2 autistic children and i am also suffering a very very very traumatic child bereavment. my sons anniversary is this month (dec) of all times and he was a new born when he went to heaven. i came from a broken home and my mother suffered all my childhood and it haunts me. i do beleive in self help so i went to college in the hopes of getting better but after graduation, i still feel too depressed to work and too tierd because i dedicate all my life to my autistic kids. i have never spoken to a shrink and i have no insurance and if i keep this all inside me one more day i am going to throw up literally. the thing is that all my life i saw my mom suffer and in and out of depression hospitals all my childhood and still today recently she is in a psychiatric hospital. i always felt depression too but i have no insurance. i have always kept in all in because i just want to see my mom and kids well and help them. i grew up with a very unlovable, unsupportive father and he left my mother in her illness. whats worse, i basically have no dad but i also have no family because my family (my moms brothers, sisters and mom)are all very selfish, abusive and mean to my mother. my mom came out of the hospital a short time and she was staying with my gramma (her mom) and my gramma and all her siblings everyday were abusing her and shouting foul language, putting her down and even took her meds, stold all her valuables and finally threatened to kick my mom out, she never did nothing to them but be depressed and my aunt should know better cuz she is a nurse but she is the most evil one of all. i feel all alone and sick myself in depression but i also feel like i am forced to lay my feelings aside because i have to help the world. i dont mind helping everyone but i fear now i am loosing the strength to even stand myself. i dont feel angry, i feel sad, i feel very bad because i cant help them or my mom when i cant even help myself right now. that makes me feel bad but i am only human. i dont even know who i am right now. i have suppressed so much, so long, inside all these years silently. anyway, when i found out that the family was abusing my mom i quickly stood up to them and now they hate me, i dont care because i know deep inside they really hate the fact that me standing up for her and doing whats right really just gave them a guilty conscience because they are abusive and i dont beleive in abuse. my mother has been living with me the past 2 weeks and actually, i was happy because i wanted to love her and have a beautiful christmas with her but something bad happened and all i hoped for went wrong. first off, my apartment is beautiful but small as we are low income. i can work due to my ill kids. i have only a 2 bedroom and one is my husband and mine and one is my kids. i had no choice because this is all we can afford so my mom is on the couch. it pains me, but what can i do? in january we plan to move to a bigger house so she can have her own room but until then, this is all we have to offer. my mom also cries alot and talks in her sleep, this traumatised my children. the teachers tell me at school my kids seem depressed now and its cuz the experience of my moms illness is traumatic to them but i never tell her. when we walk in the room there is pills everywhwere, its depressing and if i tell her to please put them in her closet, she gets mad at me. im just trying to make a safe and more positive enviroment for my kids and her both. when i tell her please dont eat in bed, she gets mad. this is just our clean house rules we all have to follow. she wont wash her dish and she complains when my husband has to set his alarm for work, she complains my kids are loud, she complains and hates everything i make her to eat, she controls the heater and when we can watch tv, i cant hear my radio cuz she says she cant sleep even in the afternooon hours, and its sad cuz my radio is my only comfort cope zone, my mom does not want to take a shower, i often prompt her to at least take one every other day even though i prefer she take a shower everyday but she says she dont feel well to shower. i tried everything to make her stay pleasant because i really wanted this to work and her be happy with us and then we can move to a bigger place next month when our lease is up and we have our tax check for financial pull to move but nothing is working. the hospitals wont take her cuz her insurance is exhausted, the county psych hospitals wont take her cuz she is not suicidal, she pleads with me not to send her to a assisted living program and i really dont want to do that, i prefer her with us but she is just not cooperating or even trying and all she wants to do is sleep and lay down all day, like she is giving up and when she is like this, no matter what joy comes in my life i just cant smile, i feel i am living this with her, i feel sick inside, i just cant be happy knowing she is unhappy and i know she is dying slowly, i dont want her to go like this in life. my mother has a mixture of depression and severe mouth pain caused by a medical illness called trigeminal ner-al-ga. she says the pain is like torture in her mouth everyday and my heart aches for her. i feel my life is over with hers. i really do...
my heart aches. the doctor says now she has a heart condition and im afraid she will die. if she dies, i die too. i hate her in those hospitals cuz they just want to drug her, i want better than that for her, one dr. almost killed her there for over medicating her in her heart condition. i want her to get the help she needs though , i am sad she is going back to the hospital but thats her choice and i support her and never make her feel bad because she knows what she needs right now and all i care about is her health wether it is home with me or at the hospital. i am afraid and feel sad knowing she is going to that cold place and far hospital and i will miss her but i also know they are skilled and i am not a doctor so i cant help her and i wish i could but i dont know the first thing about carring for a depressed person. i think its best that she goes where they can help her and then she comes back when she is better so we can enjoy her success and recovery with her and also because my kids are getting ill and depressed and worsed watching her cry in bed all day in pain and i cant cope with my child hood bereavement right now and my marriage failing...theres so many things just comming at me at the same time but most of all, i feel like a complete failure because i couldn't not make her well. i just wanted so badly to see her well and i feel i failed her because i could not make her well. i feel bad i dont have alot of money or a bigger house for her and i feel caught between helping my mom and helping my ill kids , they both have disabilitys and neither of them are good around eachtoher right now. i feel if my mom stays, it traumatises my kids but if she goes, then i feel like a bad daughter even though i dont want her to go, i just want her better but she is not getting there no mater how hard i try. i know she feels hurt that i finally told her it scares my kids when she yells and cries loud in her sleep but i had to and now i feel terrible, i just cant win.....i adore my kids and mom both and all this time i have just helped them and put my own depression aside but now i feel so sad i dont even know how to feel anymore or help anyone of them let alone myself anymore. this world is all just a dark blur to me now and its rubbing off on my daughter, she is getting depressed now. why is it all so hard? what should i do? i am alone, my familiy is so selfish, i am so angry at them for their selfish ways, how can they leave us in all this alone? i feel my heart beat literally slowing down and im tired of nightmares and tears. i resent my dad for abusing her all her life, i resent her family, i feel like i am going to collapse and all i want us to see her happy and live again. my mom never hurt anyone but always is so good to everyone, why her? why did she get sick>? its not faiR! please help me,,,,should i feel guilty for her being in the hospital? how can i be a mom of ill kids and and help my sick mom too? everyone i know keeps saying i have to help her but no one offers to help themselves and i am just one person and im depressed too and so are my kids and how can they expect me to move moutains alone??? please help me, i think i am going to pass out....
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replied December 7th, 2010
no one has to answer this,,,i got off this website recently, it is the worst website ever! all readers but no replys or help! Im better off talking to my yorkie! anyway, it dont matter anyway cuz since I posted this, i decided to get family therapy and my mom mis living happily with us!!!! bye e forum forever!!!1 and thank god! this site is stinky!
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replied December 7th, 2010
i wont ever get any of your replys, i blocked this site on my yahoo and no longer subscribe to it. I dont want any thing to do with a site that dont help and dont let people delete their accounts when they want to,,,its inprisonment anyway, im happy now with my mom living with us, we found a solution and she is happily living with us now in our new beautiful home we just bought!
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