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My husband just told me he's bi (Page 1)

I have been dating my now husband for four years, married since Nov 07. We've had some rough times lately, and are currently separated. We've been working on our marriage and he's agreed to see a marriage counselor. A couple nights ago I went over to our house. It was the first night I had stayed there since the first of May. We stayed up talking til 4am. It was at this time that he told me he's bi, and he has had experiences with men. He said he's been with a "few" men (he wouldn't give me an exact number), all prior to our relationship. He swears he has not cheated on me with a man or woman. He said he had an HIV test not too long after we got together.

I'm not incredibly upset by the fact that he is telling me he's bi. There's a part of me that believes he wants to end the marriage and he thought that by telling me this, I would leave. I'm not a naive person in denial however. Before we got together we discussed how many partners we'd had and he said less than 10. I've not asked him again since he told me he's bi, so I don't know if his male partners were included in that count.

Any porn he gets is always male and female. He does not frequent strip clubs, and in the 4 years we've been together he's went twice, both times within the last 3 months. I can't help but think that he's pulling away from our marriage (which he's told me he's too young to be tied down.. blah blah....) and went to an extreme to try and push me away even more. My response was one of complete acceptance. I told him I didn't care, as long as he never cheats on me. He said he can be very happy with me, once we get our marital problems worked out.

After reading posts on here, I find that some say bis are attracted to one sex more than the other. I asked him if he was bi or gay.. and he said... "we have great sex don't we?" He has asked for anal sex in the past. We tried it, I hated it. He has brought it up in a lighthearted manner since, but only occasionally, and in a way I felt like he was testing the waters without pushing the issue. I know that anal sex alone is not an indicator of being bi or gay, but after he told me he's bi, I really started to think about it.

Are there any bis on this forum that are happily married and stay loyal? I'm ok with staying married for all eternity, I just don't want to be made a fool when I find out in 5 years he's had a bf or 2 on the side. I just can't handle cheating.
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First Helper HazelRose
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replied June 12th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I am 100% gay and cant answer your questions but I hope someone does...dont stay with him if you cant handle it,I can tell you that.And if he is bi then i would think that eventually he will want to have sex with a man..if you cant deal with that then its best to tell him and end it or get couples counseling...good luck to you..
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replied June 14th, 2009
i don't think sexual preference has much to do with it. I mean, there are people out there who are loyal or not, and it most definately ranges from heterosexuals to homesxuals and everything in between. So, I say...this is up to you and how much you really trust him. And how loyal he really is. Not to mention whether he intends to stay with you or not.
Talk to him. And ask him for his understanding, make sure nothing gets out of hand and understand his side of this too. Talking and trust are the only way to get through this.

As for your question; i'm sure there are lots of couples that include at least one Bisexual...and are loyal....just how I'm sure there are lots who are.
It just depends on the person. Like i mentioned earlier.

And if it's too much for you to handle...then i'd recommend moving on and finding someone that you feel will really make you happy.
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Users who thank jollyjoise for this post: homerx 

replied October 30th, 2009
My husband just told me he is bisexual this past Tuesday nite. I had suspected something for a very long time and have often questioned him and of course he denied it. So this past Tuesday, after he was "missing" for 5 hours I questioned him again and he said yes he is bisexual. I am still absorbing this information and of course it's all I think about. I'm not sure how to react and if we can survive this. I am not angry at all, I'm not sure how I feel because I feel so many things about this right now. Can a marriage actually survive one being bisexual.
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replied March 11th, 2013
My boyfriend just came out to me 3 months ago. I was ok with it, but now I found him posting on a website trying to meet a man. I'm numb & unsure. It's a hard place yl be because you want to trust what they say, but how are you bi if you don't plan on being with another man?? I don't know if my numbness is my bodys way of not dealing. It's such a senestive subject too. I feel for you......
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replied November 1st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Let me tell you two things:

Every Marriage where one or more of the partners is bisexual, roughly 30% of them in the US, survives completely independent of the sexual preference of either partner. My Bisexual friend Tina is in her 6th year of marriage and very happy despite still finding women very pretty. My friend Johnathan has just last year buried his wife of 27 years and is now looking to me for advice on how to meet men. Realize that discovering your spouse is bisexual doesn't change how your relationship has worked for all of the time you've known them, they haven't changed into someone else. If they didn't cheat before, how has anything changed other than in your mind?

If your husband has told you that he's bisexual it means that not only did he marry you over every woman in the world but that he chose to be with you over every man in the world as well. Someone who cannot be faithful to you will be unfaithful to you, it doesn't matter what attracts them, if the stray they will stray to whatever attracts them. Marrying a normal straight guy only guarantees that if they cheat you can be relatively sure it will be with a woman.
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replied November 2nd, 2009
Thank you for your comments......there is more. He has been "with" other men. There is no emotional involvement ...it's just they do whatever it is that they do and that is it. I"m not sure how I feel about that...Like Wolf said....he's going to do it ...regardless...He's been doing this for years. Our sex life is great and I know he loves me more than anything and I am guessing this is why I find this sooooo confusing. Any comments and/or advice is greatly appreciated because I truly feel like I"m out here all by myself.
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replied March 11th, 2013
Im right there with you. I do understand the difference between love & sex. But when you are in a committed relationship then anything behind the others back to me is cheating. I feel just as you do.
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replied March 11th, 2013
Im right there with you. I do understand the difference between love & sex. But when you are in a committed relationship then anything behind the others back to me is cheating. I feel just as you do.
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replied November 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Are you truly happy knowing your husband has been with other men? i mean can you accept that he will be doing it for the rest of his life? Ask yourself these questions hun and you should find the answer...Jenny
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replied November 2nd, 2009
I don't think I'm happy about it. It's all so still new that it doesn't seem real. I don't think it has set in yet with me. Of course now in the future if I don't know where he is or he doesn't answer his cell phone for some reason you know what I'll be thinking.
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replied November 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Exactly hun you are not going to be happy..and in a marriage happiness is everything..I really hope you sort through this and be happy...Jenny
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Users who thank J3nnyuk for this post: homerx 

replied November 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Racmack
I think you're letting this get away from you because of the gender issue. I think you'd know exactly how this would play out if he admitted he was with another woman. Bisexuality isn't a licence to cheat. Your husband needs to show you enough respect to explain himself and you need to decide if the marriage is worth working to save.
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Users who thank W0LF for this post: J3nnyuk  homerx 

replied December 26th, 2009
Living in an open marriage with a bisexual man
I have known that my husband is bi since 2005. He'd been exceptionally discreet, although he did come out to me with a little bit of gentle coaxing, about two weeks after I figured it all out. At the time, I was reeling in shock, horror, pain, rage and confusion, and have no idea how I got through it all, without going on the attack, accusing him and walking out. I somehow valued what we DO have. I was a wreck those first couple of years, yet believed that we'd find our way somehow. Fast forward to 2009... We are still together and it's an evolving bond, in many ways, closer than ever. We still have great sex with one another, and still make each other laugh. He still "sneaks" around with men (although I know about it), chats and emails with them. I accept him as a bisexual man with a need to have recreational sex with men. It's kind of like having an adolescent son. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can live with that. For me, what he does meets his needs -- needs that I come nowhere close to meeting -- and since he has safe sex and gets tested twice a year, I am not at risk. It took a long time for me to come to terms with this, and believe you me, I am astonished that our love for one another has withstood this profound breach of trust. He's a boy acting like a boy, being led through the world by his tool. Having sex with men is a way for him to be defiant, to deny aging (he's 65, I'm 59) and to feel a certain kind of not only acceptance, but also for him to be a "guide" for the newly bi-men he tricks with. Taking matters to a new level, I had a brief tryst with a younger man about a year ago. That really rocked the mix, and equalized the imbalance in our relationship. His ego was bruised, and he threatened to have a fling with a woman, just out of spite. Didn't faze me. I just don't have the unquenchable need for "new" that he does. Sure it was fun, but adultery gets old fast for me. I accept that his libido is in a different place than mine, and let him be who he really is. It's a relief, actually, to me that this side of him is no longer in the closet.
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Users who thank HazelRose for this post: homerx  FireGuy 

replied October 8th, 2012
I am in the same position as you Hazel Rose it is sooo very good to hear that I am not alone!!!Smile
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replied December 27th, 2009
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Re: Living in an open marriage with a bisexual man
HazelRose wrote:
It's a relief, actually, to me that this side of him is no longer in the closet.
HazelRose, you are one amazing person!!!! More people like you in this world would be great!
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replied December 28th, 2009
finding acceptance for bi-husband's "hobby"
You're sweet, homerx, but we all do what we have to do to find some kind of balance. It's not always a picnic, but it's WAY WAY better than being alone and bitter. When I first was coming to grips with this seismic shift in my life, all I sought was to hear stories of others who somehow made it through! Granted, it's not for everyone, but so far, so good...
Warm wishes on a chilly, sunny day... and thanks for your kind words.
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Users who thank HazelRose for this post: homerx 

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replied December 28th, 2009
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I meant every word...and its freeezzzzzzxing cold here as well!!! The sun is out but its very nippy!!!
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replied January 8th, 2010
HazelRose,
I find your comments very encouraging. I am engaged to a woman told me a few months ago that she had threesomes in the past. I asked her if she would ever like to do it again, she said sure. I asked her if she liked being with a woman, she said no but she was good at it. Since then I have noticed that she is very, very affectionate with women, even those she has just meet. She dirty dances with them, kisses them, grabs them, tells them how beautiful they are. She tells me she is just affectionate with women.
Me, weirded out a bit at first, coming to terms now. I think. I have been with two girls twice, but neither of them wanted each other sexually. What's bizarre to me is that I have fantasized about it forever, and would probably love sharing her with another woman. But then why the weirdness. Wow! Talk about confused. More so than someone dealing with their own new bi-ness. Am I a homophobe? What?
She has also told me that if it may or may not ever happen.
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replied January 8th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
ricker
The woman you're in love with is coming out of her closet. You're suddenly discovering the person you knew has a completely new dimension. That stuff is supposed to freak you out a little. Take your time processing this, talk to her a lot about her feelings. Keep touching base and showing her that you're open to discussion about what she's feeling so that you demonstrate a desire to listen and a need to be kept in the loop.

Also if you're serious about the threesome get that done before taking your vows. Don't find out after you're in a legal contract that one or the other of you can't cope with the fallout from bringing a third person into your bed.
Best of luck.
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replied January 11th, 2010
Freaked a little
Wolf,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful response. You have made me feel more at ease with my reaction. I truly wish I could be the totally "cool" about it, but I guess I know now I am not that cool. Funny and sad really.

I have discussed this issue with her many times since the "out of the closet" moment, perhaps a little too much. She doesn't understand why it freaked me out, and feels that our discussions of her past activity are really me holding her past against her.

I have told her now that I am not freaked out, but she doesn't believe me and says they are just words; that I need to show her.

She has clammed up physically and emotionally, but says she still loves me and is committed to our relationship.

So, as difficult as it is, I am trying my best now to completely stay away from the subject.

We are going to couples therapy tomorrow at 12:45.

Thank you again very much for helping me come to terms with my emotional reaction.

Given the new info do you have any new advise?

Sincerely
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replied January 11th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
ricker
If it freaks you out dating her think of how much she must have been freaked out to be her. Granted she's probably had more time to deal with her own bisexuality but it's an amazingly confusing issue for a human to tackle and life constantly reminds you of how "wrong" you are. This doesn't have to be an issue that separates you. You both are struggling with her bisexuality, work as a team to make it normal. Talk about what celebrities you'd have sex with and why. Find out if she'd want to smell her own perfume on another woman or if it would be wierd for her. Find out what similar and different qualities she's attracted to in men and women and why. The more you know the less this will nag at you and the more open you are to her sexuality the more she will open to you.

Couples therapy is also good. A lot of issues can't be fixed without a Ref. However at the first sign that your therapist has a negative view of her bisexuality you need to discuss a new therapist.
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replied January 12th, 2010
Thanks Wolf,

Funny thing is she tells me she is not bisexual. We have talked and shared other activities referring to her attraction to females, in specific terms. For example, she loves rap music, not regular rap, but sexy as hell rap that talk about all kinds nasty things. Specifically, she shared a favorite video of hers with me recently, 50 Disco Inferno, and it is full of women shaking their naked booties and at the end a very pornographic scene of all these women together having sex with each other and licking drinks off of each other. Yet she still claims she is not bisexual. Another time we were talking about her long tongue and I asked her if she wanted to use it on girls. She said, "occasionally". I asked how occasionally, and she said "mmmm maybe once in my life time." Also, at a few parties recently, she goes right up pretty women she has just met, hugs them, kisses them on the lips and tells them how good they smell(funny you should ask about the perfume).All of these things just don't add up to me. Am I crazy?

I guess I just don't trust that I am getting an honest answer.

Thank you again. This discussion is really helping me work things out.

I eagerly await your responses.
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replied January 12th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
If she says she's not bisexual drop it. She's the one that gets to decide if she's sexually attracted to women. Doubting her answer isn't going to make it any more or less true. it's just going to make things rougher between you both. Deal with the person she identifies as and if you can't accept that she's being honest with you, worry more about your trust in her than her sexuality.
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Users who thank W0LF for this post: homerx 
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