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my husband is using online dating sites (Page 1)

I need some advice. I got married to the love of my life a year ago and a few weeks ago I walked in on my husband and saw something on the computer and asked him what it was, he panicked and shut the computer down. After a huge argument he said he was looking at porn and crashed his computer because he knew I’d be upset. We had our 1st proper massive fight in the whole 5 years we have been together and he promised he would never hurt me again and that I am his rock, his best friend, his soul mate and the love of his life and he was being inconsiderate of my feelings .But Something just wasn’t feeling right in my mind and I knew he was lying about what he had been doing. Anyway to cut the story short I managed to reset a password to an email account I had found but never expected to find that he was registered to 3 online dating chat sites (which he had set up 1 month before we got married) He had even set his profile as single and even posted a picture of himself to someone (not a rude one but a photo all the same). He had lots of emails from people but hadn’t ever opened any of them other than the odd one to accept a friend or request a friend. When I confronted him he told me he had been really stupid and never thought about what he was risking. He works 14 hour days He works full time and then comes home to work on his business which he hopes to make a success for us so we can have the life we have always talked and dreamed about. He says he only ever went on a couple of times when he had had an awful day and that it made him feel better to exaggerate his life -a nice car, big house etc. He says he never talked dirty and at the most a bit flirty (which I find hard to believe on an online dating site) and he was never turned on by anyone. It’s now been a week and we have talked and cried so much but I feel so sick inside that I can’t eat, sleep or work and am having suicidal thoughts. He is extremely sorry and I know he loves me but I feel like although he has not physically cheated on me he has mentally. He is everything to me, my best friend, my husband, my life. I feel cheated. He has been throwing up, not eating etc. and is desperate to make things work. He says he will do anything to show me that I’m everything to him. He says he hasn’t been on since I nearly caught him (when he crashed the computer)and that he was never going to again but all I think is what about if I hadn’t caught him, in 10 years time he could still be doing it. He shut down all 3 profiles and his email account in front of me. But when I read other peoples experiences of similar things online, they all say if men do that they can never be trusted and you should end things. Please help...
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First Helper User Profile papz187
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replied October 19th, 2009
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What he did was wrong. But I can tell you he is truly sorry. There was a patch in the beginning of my relationship with my husband where his mother forced him (we were 16 and 17, so yes she could force him) to break up with me. I was devastated. At the time I was pregnant and it was an additional blow I did not need. He still came over, still said he loved me. All that good stuff. And he was so sick, throwing up, not eating, not sleeping. I could tell he was sorry and did not want to break up with me. A man just does not get physically sick like that due to emotions. If he did delete his profiles and email accounts, that is a positive step forward. Not all married men who have gone on online dating services are bad, you don't have to end things. There is marriage counselling and therapy, both which could save your marriage. You cannot judge your man by other womens' experiences. Yes, tread carefully, but don't be so quick to judge him. Even good people have lapses in good judgement.
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replied November 20th, 2011
Keep your eyes open. if you've lost trust good luck.
I have been married for under a year and started seeing the signs of my husband using these sites a few months ago, shortly after I got pregnant. Since we got pregnant in July i have found him with a new dating site on three separate occasions, each time he's remorseful, feels sorry and says he never wants to loose me, I am all he has and he needs me. We went a good two months of no activity and suddenly it started again. Me at 25 weeks pregnant he has a new computer and starts shutting the screen when I get close. I snuck up on him one day and saw a girl on the screen so I went and set up fake users on each dating site I knew he used and baited him. I got him to agree to a hook-up with a girl. It was a Friday night, date night and we were scheduled to do a tour of the birthing center where are baby is to be worn really really soon. He cancelled said he didn't need to go and it was my thing to do. I cancelled the tour, didn't let him know, agreed it was my thing and that I'd be back in 3 hours. He called me several minutes before my tour and and the fake girls meeting to ask me where I was (to make sure I was gone), asked me when I was to get home(I told him a time) and he told me, please text me before you head home so I can make our date night perfect. When I showed up and she didn't I could see the shock in his eyes and the confusion. I told him he messed up and kept walking. He followed, assured me that he knew all along it was me, which is crap. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we argued, fought, I almost broke his new computer I was so pissed. I left, came back and he assured me that he deleted all of his online dating accounts. I woke up this morning and found him on three site, all with posts last night says, looking for some fun. So My advice, tell him to get out of your life and start again with someone that will respect you. I'm about to kick his sorry no good butt out today. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it. You won't know if it has gone in to meeting someone unless you are with him 24/7. So if you have lost that trust for him then you can't live you life fearing that he is cheating on you with someone.
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replied October 24th, 2009
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i believe that he is sorry and deserve another chance. my ex of five years did silly things like that and i ignored the red flags. it took me five years to figure out that he loved me but didnt want to give up the single life.
and remember any guy that does wrong has an excuse why. he probably regret what he did, but the question is will he sneak and do it again when things isnt so rosey?
all im saying is keep your eyes open.
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replied October 24th, 2009
Oh wow!! That's really horrible. I am having issues similar to yours, but not that severe YET! Poor thing! I don't blame you for having suicidal thoughts. I have them too.
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replied October 25th, 2009
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mothertobe, if you been through almost the same thing, then what positive advice would you offer her.
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replied November 30th, 2009
alfabet, Please... My husband has apologized for the same thing. He even went as far as getting another cell phone to contact women. He uses social networking sites to reach out to women. He lies continuously. Even if I showed him proof, he would deny it. Your husband has probably found another way to deceive you, by closing the sites in front of you, is his way of assuring you won't suspect him to any of those behaviors again. So, you will think he's working, when really he's doing the same thing you caught him doing.

I have grown tired of approaching my husband, and have my final decision in my head. I know what I need to do in my situation.
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replied November 30th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
alfabet
A year into the Marriage? And he started before he married you? Normally I'd be inclined to say forgive and move on but you don't have much to move on from here. It's not as though he has established years of good faith with you to take trust from. Take some time alone on this and really evaluate if you feel you can trust this man. If you can dismiss this incident completely given his character and move forward in your marriage then do so. If you have any doubts about him, get out of the marriage before you've lost more than a year.
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replied December 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
You know my boyfriend and I went through this EXACT same situation...I had gotten onto his computer and noticed he was acting fishy..looked up the history and found a dating site..he tried to deny it but I threw the OBVIOUS username in his face and told him to stop lying...it was a very rough part of our relationship..i was furious and upset at the time..i too felt cheated..like why am i not good enough for you? ...we talked it out..he said he never used it which I believe bc I never saw any evidence of him actually contacting anyone..he said he was just curious...i basically told him next time he's "curious" he can kiss our relationship good bye...it was VERY hard to trust him for the longest time after that...that was about a year into our relationship, we've been together 3 1/2 years now and things are great...I feel like we're finally back to where we started and I can actually trust him again...my point is...you should TRY working it out with your husband..it is OBVIOUS that he feels absolutely horrible about it...yes it will take a while to get over, but i think he's learned his lesson..and he never actually DID anything...just make it clear that this is NEVER to happen again...and if it does..its over...
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replied February 1st, 2010
my husband as done this to for the 3rd time. 1st time i found out i pretended to be him and spoke to this girl for 2weeks gathering info and then she told me they were going to meet.he denied all knowledge even though it was right in front of him on the computer screen. we got past this but took me a while to regain my trust in him again but i got there only for me to find another site a coupeof years down the line which he denied again.... then just last week he came home for a week from afghanistan and i went on to his history to find loads of dating sites but surpise surprise when i confronted him he denied it again. i remembered the name of one of the sites from his history and guessed his login and was shocked to see he had a profile set up. i feel so unwanted and to top it off one question asked if he had kids and he put no....he has 2 beautiful kids. i really dont know what to do i love him with all my heart but how many times am i going to go through this its not fair and the fact that he denys everything is even worse
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replied August 14th, 2011
\Its important to take responsibity for your own happiness. Ask yourself why you have allowed another person to determine your self worth. If you feel like he has been dishonest, direspectful, and violated your trust, then acknowledge it. Now make a decision to stay or leave. Whatever you decide, take responsility for your life and your happiness. Also, look for the lesson learned from this betrayal. Take it in and move forward with your life.
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replied January 3rd, 2013
My partner is the same, we have a 10 month old together. We are both on his laptop screen as he switches it on and continues to log into a dating site!!!!!! It's heart breaking but yeh how many chances do you give them
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replied February 1st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Did you ask your husband why he was looking at dating sites? You've found a great red flag that things aren't working out. It could be an important moment to perform a diagnostic with him to find out why he was thinking about other women.
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replied February 28th, 2010
When I caught hubby on dating websites, he said he only does it to look at the pictures....DUHHHHHHHHHH he apparently thinks I am stupid! I forgave him the first time, but here we are again. This time I told him I want a divorce. I have had it. I deserve better.
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replied February 28th, 2010
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jinxxxy wrote:
When I caught hubby on dating websites, he said he only does it to look at the pictures....DUHHHHHHHHHH he apparently thinks I am stupid! I forgave him the first time, but here we are again. This time I told him I want a divorce. I have had it. I deserve better.


Good for you...He doesn't deserve you....Good luck....

Caroline
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replied March 6th, 2010
My darling, there is no one who can give you the easy answer. I know you want me to say, "I had the exact same thing happen to me and it all worked out!" but the truth is, even if I say that it doesn't mean it will for you. There is no easy answer.

I spent seven years of my life in a relationship with a man who lied to me. About little stupid things, about big things, it didn't matter. He said he couldn't tell me things because I freaked out if he did... But, the fact of the matter was that I only freaked out about things he hadn't told me... He had been speaking to his ex about getting back together, he was on online dating sites looking to meet new people, he kept up flirtations with girls he promised me he didn't speak to anymore... He never changed, no matter what I did, and I always felt like I wasn't good enough.

If your situation is one where you can move forward, do. There is nothing worse than regret, so don't regret moving on from a great guy because of one hiccup. But, if you continue to feel like you are less of a person, like you are not good enough, or if you cannot move past it and trust him again, don't feel bad for leaving. there are four and a half billion men in the world, so one of them will probably be able to give you happiness instead of pain. Keep the faith, and remember that you are worth it.
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replied April 4th, 2010
Hi, I am also finding myself in the same situation. My husband and I have been married since October 2009, but we''ve been together for almost 5 years. We have a child together, and I have 2 from my previous mistake (marriage). I was cheated on by my first husband, and I know the signs. Current hubby likes the porn sites, which truthfully only bothers me because I don''t look anything like the skinny hoes on them. He never chatted with anyone. Now, I''ve found he''s been looking up old girlfriends on Facebook and he''s joined a dating site, no picture, and the only info he has is that he''s looking for some friendly chatting. BUT his screen name is bigandthick. Friendly chat my butt. I completely believe that chatting is cheating. We''ve talked about the ex-girlfriends, and the problem ones he''s deleted from his Facebook. But, he''s changed his passwords for email and Facebook. I set both up for him, so that''s how I knew them to begin with. When I''ve confronted him, he gets angry and irrational. That''s my clue that he''s gotten caught. He insists he loves me and would never ruin what we have. I can''t give you advice about what to do. I just know how much the uncertainty and doubt hurts.
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replied April 4th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
amandalaux
People who don''t like being confronted or accused of things aren''t always cheating. If he''s on a dating website, tell him it needs to stop. There''s no need that''s being fulfilled there that he can''t take care of in a context that''s more healthy for the marriage.

If you can''t trust your husband unless you''re logging in to his email and social networking accounts and reading his messages then at least sit down with him and work out an amicable divorce. It''s less expensive and will make things much easier on your child then fighting out the last years of your marriage.
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replied October 25th, 2010
my story
oh dear, i'm sorry to be ther bearer of bad news but my husband has been doing this for 10 years now. Ive caught and confronted him too many times to remember and hes obviously promised never to do it again each and every time. His latest endevour is advertising himself on Gay dating sites. I've even responded to his sick 'live' advert offering oral sex available at a set time during one evening when he had 'popped into the office to do a bit of DIY'. Yes he chatted to me thinking i was a contender - revolting. He even managed to talk his way out of that one too. Unfortunately he didn't call the mobile number i gave him of a friend of mine so therefore it means 'he's never actually met up with anyone nor been unfaithful' ??!!! OH my god? why am i acting so dumb and putting up with this behavour??
He needs help, he is an addict in more ways than one. Along with sex addiction, hes a work addict and a substance abuser. He sleeps around 20 hours a week.
Deep down i do really still love him but i'm in love with what he was not what he is. I've tried to change him, I've lied for him, prostituted myself for him, nagged him, grassed on him to the police and tried controlling him with love and compassion nothing has worked.
I've realised in the last few months with the help of an addiction councillor that the only person who can change him is himself.
I don't have the answers. I do not know if i will walk away. I have to try and rebuild my life first before i can take that step.
I'm sure some people get found out and change their ways but please remember if this continues you will lose every shred of dignity and self confidence. You will hit rock bottom. The longer you stay in a destructive relationship the harder it is to separate.
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replied October 25th, 2010
married for 7 years here and had three kids with my EX husband because he was doing the same not too long after we were married. i let it go more than once and to tell you the truth all it did was keep on happening and being hidden till id find it by accident or find him on line while i was sleeping. i garentee you will never fully trust him again and it will fester in the back of your head when he gets upset you wonder if he is going to try it or something worse again. or if your ever good enough and then eventually it eats you up inside that it starts to make you a paranoid mess. i would say leave him, any man that has to do anything like that to make himself feel secure will always look for a way to make himself feel secure and confident in useing sex or lferting on line till one day they are so low on themselves that they just have to go for the other women to prove they still got it. yes he may love you but in reality he will just keep doing it untill it breaks you down to almost a psych ward state of mind. it isnt worth the pain to keep the marriage alive. i finally divorced him after finding he cheated multiple times and lied to not only me but other women and children as well. he would find mom who needed a seemingly strong man to lean on and then screw them and their children over like he did to myself. in the end it is something you can never fix for him. i got a divorce i am happy now and so are my children. i have also found an amazing man and hope that i never have to let go of him. sometimes it takes more than once to find that good guy or right guy or soul mate you diverse and desire. i know itr hurts to hear this but from experience this is hat i can say to help you and or to give you advice, but truthfully it is going to have to come from you and your heart and mind to figure out if staying with him is worth the pain. i hope things get better for you and that i am wrong and you dont have to go down the path i have to find yourself starting all over again. good luck. i hope i have helped in some way or another.
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replied January 6th, 2011
My partner and I live together - we have for a few years now. At 41, I can honestly say I have never been so in love with someone in my entire life. In so many ways he makes my life so much better than I ever expected it could be.

This past weekend, my laptop computer died. I work from home and am self-employed, so his was the only other computer in the house and he offered it to me. I even used a different browser (by my choice) so I wouldn't affect how he has things set up and created a folder on the desktop for myself so I wouldn't have to go snooping through his computer to find files as I downloaded them.

Today, as I was working, I misspelled the URL I was looking for and ended up on a website called Fling and it automatically logged me into the site on his account. What are the freaking odds?!

The profile was basically empty (no personal details) except it said that he was "seeking: Women interested in: Experimenting, Threesomes+, Friends with Benefits, Online Flirting, Open To Relationship". The only other detail on the profile was his adult sons age rather than his own age (no, the son does not have access to his computer, so it's not his profile). The profile name was his sons initials so this is not a coincidence that the site had me already logged in.

I'm exceedingly open-minded, but he's never talked to me about any of this. I walked in on him once looking at porn and he reacted like he'd been "caught". We've watched porn together once or twice in the past so he knows I don't mind it, but this was different. He acted CAUGHT. And, now this. An account on a "Fling" site with women sending him their nude photos and offering to meet up with him. This is different. The account was set up a couple weeks or more after I walked in on him watching videos.

A little over a year ago, he was contacted by an old girlfriend on Facebook. His reaction to that situation was a big problem for us. He basically hid it until I discovered what was happening. He cut off contact with her once I told him how upsetting it was to me. It was upsetting because there had been some communication between them about "unresolved" feelings, etc. and what should be done about those feelings.

I've read all of the answers to the original question in this thread. I love this man with every fibre of my being. This is twice now that my faith has been tested. I'm not entirely sure what I should do. Maybe I should just send him a link to this thread directing him to read all the way down to this UnhappyGirl's response and then we can discuss things.
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replied January 19th, 2011
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and I found out about 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant, 2 weeks ago I caught him using a dating site for the first time and deleted it. Since then he's reactivated it under a different screen name (like I don't have his email log in information and can get the new user name and password) and now just yesterday I found out he has signed up for 2 more sites. I love the guy with all my heart but if he's already doing this, knowing I am pregnant with his child then what else will he do?!? I'm just lost, confused, hurt, don't know what to think or do Sad I don't want to lose him but am afraid if I don't I will end up cheated on physically, not just emotionally. UGH!
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replied February 16th, 2011
is he Addicted?
HI im a 21 year old female, my boyfriend and i have been together for two years, the whole relationship ive caught or seen on history porn almost close to every day. Im not a fan of porn but i can deal with it.. just hurt when half the time i want sex its a hassle.. in the beginning i caught him puttin out sex ads about himself and looking at sex ads of other girls.. i confronted him and he said he would never do it agian so i forgave him and now just recently he went to jail for 4 years on a freak accident so i was goin to be there for him and stick it out ( and im sorry no girl no days wuld do this) but i really was, we had plans on getting married and starting a family afterwards and two days after he gets locked up i realize he signed up for another online dating site a month back and put up a pic. and profile stating he wanted sex before he went away cause he knew he was facing jail time and stated he was single.. also found email that he had sent to other girls asking more about them and talking dirty, wanting sex.. even really unattractive girls and im a good looking girl.. i dont understand it obviously im in a sticky situation by having to wait cuz he is in jail but now this? i love him soo much and didnt expect this and dont know if ill ever trust him agian? what do i do?? its making me crazy Sad He says he didnt mean anything by it and never would cheat on me but i just dont understand? should i stick by him and believe him or move on?
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replied April 22nd, 2011
If he did it once.......
I caught my husband the first time 2 years ago, he has since been caught twice. Each time he is so sorry and promises to never do it again, he lies. My advice take everything he says with a grain of salt, keep an eye on him, and if you caught him once chances are you will catch him again. Can you handle living like that? There comes a time when you will have to decide to walk away.
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replied May 4th, 2011
I caught my husband two months ago and he is trying to convince me that his profiles didn't mean anything looking for only communication. To make this short and simple I contacted the woman he was connecting with and she explained to me that he was divorced (not true). My husband is a huge liar all through our marriage for 4 years now. I even found out that he was married previously twice before me. He really is sorry for what he has done and embarrassed saying he loves me very much. I want to leave and have filed for a dissolution with Attorney but now having second thoughts of giving my marriage a second chance, we have a beautiful home that will have to go on the market for sale? or should I leave considering I've paid my deposit to a new place to live already? I really feel I can't go through this hurt and pain again if he does it for the second time cause it hurts so bad considering I love him very much. I don't want regrets about our marriage. Should I walk away now?
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replied July 15th, 2012
No, run for the hills, get out.
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replied May 7th, 2013
Try this one likemyvoice.com
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