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My husband is bisexual...

I finally confirmed it...I've had my suspicions throughout the last year or so. We've been together for six years and married for over 4. I first had my concerns a few months ago when I came across some gay porn on his computer. I did confront him about and he shared with me that a long time ago he thought he may have some gay tendencies but that was only something he occasionally liked to look at. I let it go...but would sometimes look at his browser history to see what he was looking at.

Then, on Friday, he left 2 tabs open...one for an email address I had never seen and another for men to men encounters on craigslist. I found a way to get into the email address and discovered emails from the last 4 years! It turns out he has been having sex with men for years! It's not something he does "all the time" but a need or desire he has every couple of months. It started out with a curiosity because he was lonely and thought that might be him. I am so angry and hurt! I know he loves me, we have a terrific marriage but I don't know how I will ever be able to trust him again. We have talked about it and I want to be here for him. I am even willing to try new things with him in order to help fulfill this need he has. I just don't know how he will be able to change something that he has been doing for the last 10 years.
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First Helper needsupport
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replied January 21st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Why does it upset you more that he's bisexual than the fact that he's cheating on you? What if there were emails in that account from women he had cheated on you with? I never understand why a woman would tollerate infidelity, especially when it's very obviously something he worked towards.

It is your marriage. I won't suffer if it thrives or perishes. But if it troubles me this much maybe you should ask why you're ok with it.
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replied January 21st, 2010
Community Volunteer
He won't change...And may I add you are not in the same league with a man for having sex....You can try to satisfy him in any way that you can, but he will still yearn for a man....Kind of the call of the wild in some men...Either accept it or give him up....Take care...

Caroline
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replied January 22nd, 2010
Experienced User
in the tone of your post I get that your more hurt that he has sex with men than you are that he cheated...like wolf said...actively worked toward having affairs. Gender is the least of your problems. What if you had come across porn with a bondage theme or urine play or something else he was interested in but you weren't. What if you later found out he was hooking up with someone female that will perform that act. Not "all the time" though, just every couple of months. Would it be different? Would you then see that he is a cheater as clear as you see his gender choice to cheat with?

Just because a man has a proclivity for other men does not mean he loses all conscious thought. He thought out stepping outside of your marriage. He isn't some animal that can't control his desire and impulses. He put effort into having extramarital affairs. It has nothing to do with what you can't give him as a woman or what "league" your in.

As an aside...you say that he has been meeting up with people from craigslist. Not that meeting people on the net is a bad thing but meeting people on the net looking exclusively for sex??? The danger and potential for infection and transmission of disease goes up greatly. Get yourself tested for all the nasties people that sleep around expose themselves and their sex partners to.
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replied January 22nd, 2010
Tuff one... in my experience people don't change especially regarding there sexual preference/orientation. sometimes things don't work out for a reason... its nice that you want to be there but in my opinion i would exit that situation quick.not so much that hes bisexual but the fact that hes obviously cheating and with random men, that's dishonest and in a commit'd relationship/married its a deal breaker and also unsafe for your health, ie std's you can do better than someone like that. gl to you.
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replied April 1st, 2010
Re: My husband is bisexual...
autumn4204 wrote:
I finally confirmed it...I''ve had my suspicions throughout the last year or so. We''ve been together for six years and married for over 4. I first had my concerns a few months ago when I came across some gay porn on his computer. I did confront him about and he shared with me that a long time ago he thought he may have some gay tendencies but that was only something he occasionally liked to look at. I let it go...but would sometimes look at his browser history to see what he was looking at.

Then, on Friday, he left 2 tabs open...one for an email address I had never seen and another for men to men encounters on craigslist. I found a way to get into the email address and discovered emails from the last 4 years! It turns out he has been having sex with men for years! It''s not something he does "all the time" but a need or desire he has every couple of months. It started out with a curiosity because he was lonely and thought that might be him. I am so angry and hurt! I know he loves me, we have a terrific marriage but I don''t know how I will ever be able to trust him again. We have talked about it and I want to be here for him. I am even willing to try new things with him in order to help fulfill this need he has. I just don''t know how he will be able to change something that he has been doing for the last 10 years.
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replied April 1st, 2010
This is a real eye opener for me. I just found out a few days ago, and I am also being very kind about this issue, when in fact, he is cheating and I did tell him that he is messing around with another person and asked what he is going to do about it. I told him to think of his daughter before going into action and how it would affect her if she knew, but you are right,,, what about me? don''t I have enough self respect to be firm enough to tell it like it really is? thanks ladies, I''ll try another approach. What if his family found out? imagine that! Are we their scapegoats for getting away with this nonsense?
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replied April 4th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
needsupport
I can''t think of a lot of reasons that a married man who''s seeing other men on the side would leave open browser tabs to contact information for strange men and a Craigslist advertisement. I generally don''t put much stock in cheaters wanting to get caught but I really can''t think of anything else that could be going on there. I think you ought to honestly ask him if he wants to be in the marriage any more. It may be that there''s a conversation that needs to be had there.
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replied April 5th, 2010
Bisexual husband
Well,... we have been honest, he says life wouldn''t be worth living if I wasn''t in it, and that he is going to get help with this problem. I have gone to counseling for this, and found there is a special counselor for this type of addiction. He says he does it rarely, and is always trying to stop... he realizes he is going to need help with this problem. So ladies,... if you can understand that this is an addiction problem, and find a way to hold them accountable for their actions with some compassion as well, you might find they would be willing to seek the change. Hope this is helpful for all of you. This is coming from a professional counselor. Also ask them if they would consider having an email account that both of you use, to also help with the trust factor.
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replied April 5th, 2010
Experienced User
W0LF wrote:
Why does it upset you more that he''s bisexual than the fact that he''s cheating on you? What if there were emails in that account from women he had cheated on you with? I never understand why a woman would tollerate infidelity, especially when it''s very obviously something he worked towards.

It is your marriage. I won''t suffer if it thrives or perishes. But if it troubles me this much maybe you should ask why you''re ok with it.


The reason why it upsets her the most is the fact that she though that she married a man who will not have sex with other men, who is not sexually turned on by other men,who is a normal man with normal wants, but instead; she married someone/man woman or both; whatever he-she may be, who is having sex with both/ man & woman, and she wants to be married to a real man which is normal! Had she known he was that way, she would never have married him! She will not be able to trust him to even go into the man''s restrooms when they are out in fear that he may cheat on her before he comes out!
She doesn''t have the tool that he wants (a penis) and that is enough to make any woman jealous when she know that she doesn''t have the right tool, and is not measuring up to the compitition!
That''s about all I have to say!!!!
























































































That''s about all I have to say!!!!
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replied April 5th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
bo21 wrote:

The reason why it upsets her the most is the fact that she though that she married a man who will not have sex with other men, who is not sexually turned on by other men,who is a normal man with normal wants, but instead; she married someone/man woman or both; whatever he-she may be, who is having sex with both/ man & woman, and she wants to be married to a real man which is normal! Had she known he was that way, she would never have married him! She will not be able to trust him to even go into the man''''s restrooms when they are out in fear that he may cheat on her before he comes out!
She doesn''''t have the tool that he wants (a penis) and that is enough to make any woman jealous when she know that she doesn''''t have the right tool, and is not measuring up to the compitition!


Well then she''s just being silly
She should have been concerned that she married a man that won''t have sex with other people, thinking there was only one gender in the world that could be an issue is what got her in this mess. Bisexual men are real, the are not made of plastic or characters in books. They work too much and watch sports in their underwear just like any other man. I''m confident that she knew the gender of her husband before marrying him. Had she not it wouldn''t be surprising to find out they have marital problems. Bisexuality is more normal than Monosexuality in every survey of sexual preference ever taken. She certainly deserved to know who she was marrying but there''s no reason to assume she didn''t at the time she married. Very few bisexual people are honest with themselves about what they want. If she was so worried about this she should have dated him a few dozen years before becoming married. Otherwise she can accept that people do not remain the same. When I didn''t have a penis I went to the store and bought one, taking control of your problems rather than letting them control you is the measure of an adult. However, before investing in a new tool she should probably talk to her husband and find out if that''s what he wants. Not all Bisexual men are all that interested in penises. Her competition lacks a lot of things, namely a legal and spiritual contract with one her husband. It doesn''t much matter what else other people have once you''re married.
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replied April 5th, 2010
Experienced User
Not worth it.
Sexual orientation has nothing to do with the likely hood of whether or not someone will cheat. The fact that this has been going on for years and only now that he is caught is saying that he needs help and is willing to get it is highly problematic. He may fear losing you, but he also fears losing his reputation, kids, house, money etc. Do not let him continue to have his cake and eat it too. Its way to much of a risk emotionally and you are now in fact risking your life. Do you want to die??? STDs are no joke. He will do this again. He may get better at hiding it but it will happen again. Not to mention you will never be able to trust him. Do you want to be one of those women that is going through pockets, emails, cars, snooping constantly with good reason of course but trust me from experiance this is no way to live. I forgave a cheater and to no suprise even after counseling etc. guess what he cheated again!!! Get out of this relationship as quickly as possible. You deserve better
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replied October 18th, 2010
Bisexual Husband
Needsuport

I am in a similar situation. So similar it's almost scary. For me this started in 2005 a few months before I married him. I found that he was looking a shemale/tranny porn and found some phone #s it was a girl's name by when I called it was a male on the other end. I confronted him about it and he said it was just one of those porn ads and that he had not done anything. And felt so ashamed and did not know why he was looking at it. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that if that was what he was into to let me know cause did not want part of it and would not marry him. He promised that he would stop and that I was the love of his life. So we got married in 2006.

Make the story short he has not stopped. In 2006 I found that he was creating profiles on porn sites claiming that he was bi, and once I confronted him he would deny it, but when I put the evidence in front of him he told me he needed help and for us to get counseling. We did just that but I did not like the counselor we went to. So I let it go thinking it would go away.

Anyhow, it happened again 2007/2008/2009 same story I found more stuff online but at this point he had graduated to posting stuff on craigslist looking for men. He was very explicit about what he wanted done to him and what he wanted to do to them. We did the counseling thing again and it worked as quick fix but we did not stick with it because she was a little radical on the things that she wanted us to do (join a church group and divulge all our buss to get help) so we stopped going again in 2009. It's 2010 and guess what. I bet ya all know what I'm gonna say. He is still doing it.

No matter how many times I catch him and crack the codes to his new e-mails that he creates he goes right back to it. He tells me he loves me and that he wants to change and does not know why he does what he does because he is not gay. He also tells me that it is just a fantasy and that he has never followed through with meeting any of these guys that he has corresponded with. He just does it to get his fix, and that's it. His last excuse was that he was corresponding with men because women would not respond. He does not see what the point I'm trying to make is. Regardless of who it is you are still looking for sex with someone other than me and that is not acceptable if you want to be married to me.

Well, guess what I am over the lying and the emotional cheating if you will since I have never been able to prove that he has actually gone through with meeting with these men. He has had plenty of chances to change. He does not want to change. He enjoys this kind of lifestyle. Which is fine but don't be selfish and drag someone into it that does not want to be part of it.

Ironically after all this information I know, he is still around. We have a 6year old son together and he is the one who looks after him when I am at school and work, and I know for a fact if I asked him to leave that would be the end of my school days. And my 6year old would suffer greatly too since he loves his father dearly.

The hardest part about a situation like this you cannot just come out and tell a friend or a relative because it such a touchy subject. I feel so alone and helpless, but something's gotta to give and I will have to make some sacrifices if I want to keep my sanity.

Anyhow, needsupport I would think twice before dragging it any longer specially knowing for a fact that he has slept with other people regardless of the gender. The fact is that he cheated and that should be good enough. Just my opinion but what do I know I cannot even begin to get out of my big mess.
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replied August 8th, 2012
Husband bi sexual
Ok here goes!! I married the most amazing man last November and before we married I sort of knew he was into CD. I have now found put he's meetin up with men for pleasure and my heads all over the place. I don't want to lose him or end our marriage but don't know how I'm supposed to cope with this. We have a very regular passionate sex life and makes me feel amazing. Is there wife's out there that just turn a blind eye. Please any advice welcome
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replied March 11th, 2013
My husband is bisexual
My husband is bisexual and we are very much in love. I found out after we had been dating for six months ( text message), I decided to stay with him and we agreed to try and have a threesum. This way I could at least be a part of this part of who he is. We have now been together for 6 years and still have not done it. I struggle with my ideal way I thought my marriage was going to be and how for me sex is love, so I have found it incredibly hard to have sex with a stranger. Also, two pregnancies and breastfeeding babies doesn't really help with the personal time factor. What has also made it hard for me to follow through is I kept finding emails and stuff on his phone, so it's hard to do something like that when I have a hard time trusting him. This past year has been a tough one for us, I did find out he cheated and it has been a very rough year. We have two young children and it's not easy to just end our relationship, he is a great father and we truly enjoy each other and have a great life. This is our one issue and I strongly believe we can overcome it and yes I know this is a big issue but he has begged me to forgive him and I have made promise to try to see if threesums will work ( to myself and to him) We are working on our trust issues and he has been really honest since I found out, we have been trying to find a guy to do a threesum with but it has been really hard. We have met with one guy but it was just a quick get together and nothing much really happened, we are going to take it slow and hopefully we can figure it out.
It's easy to give an opinion about this but if your not in this situation, it's really hard to understand what we are going through and why we decide to stay. If he was looking for girls or cheated with a girl, I would be gone but he is bisexual and I cannot satisfy that part of him and as hard as that is; I do understand that ( sometimes). The only thing I can do is at least give it everything I can and try and make it work with the threesum and at least I know when and if it doesn't work, I did everything I could for my kids and myself and our marriage.
I can never do what I guy does for him ( in a sexual sense) but I know we are very much in love, our sex life is great and I know from the bottom of my heart I'm the only girl for him and the only one he would want to spend the rest of his life with.
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replied March 15th, 2013
Babeka....as I sit here reading your post, and deciding If I want to divulge my story,of how I found my husband was Bisexual...( I will post another time) I just cannot get over your complacency, and ignorance that a threesome, will Cure Your husband, Make your Marriage Better. BTW why should YOU have to have a Threesome.Why would you do something that YOUR uncomfortable with to please him. I'm more bewildered why you would stay with a Male ( he's not a MAN, in the true sense of the word) who wants you to have a sex with another man, TO SATISFY HIM. You are married to one very confused person. I'm sorry he is the sperm donor for your child. How do you know that later on, Daddy Sperm Donor, isn't going to oopps Let Junior in on a little secret. Show Junior what it's all about?....I'm sure your getting the picture. Is this what you want for your son? My Head is spinning, that you think so Little of yourself and your Child. Read the other women's post's, He Wont Change. Repeat after me " He WONT Change"....Now pack your bags and grow up.
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replied May 11th, 2014
This is very simple. You need to leave him. You deserve much more for yourself. You do not need someone to turn your life upside down. You are better off without anyone than with someone who you must keep an eye on 24/7. If today he stops, it doesn't mean tomorrow he won't pick it back up again. Tomorrow might be the day after today, or a year after today. He is willing to lead a double life by using you. You provide for him what he needs to pretend a normal way of life. If he would have been honest with you from the start, you would not have married such a person. Be smart for yourself. Don't let people use you. You will be in for more heartache if you stay. You need to love yourself more than anyone else and protect predators like him. If it happened to your daughter, would you advice her to stay with this man?????
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