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My husband & his porn. Help?

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My husband recently has been using our Netflix account to watch movies rated R or UR, that are obviously filled with sex (one of the movies was described as: The Lickerish Quartet find three people obsessed with an erotic film-featuring a striking young blond woman, and by the picture on the cover pretty sure it has lots to do with this "film"). He has admitted to pleasing himself to these films as well, Only after I asked several times and got beyond mad at him. Now he says that it's his personal business and I shouldn't care about it and can't talk about it anymore.
I'm starting to feel used, as in, there weren't any good movies on Netflix tonight so I'll go have sex with my wife.
upset, he says our sex life is great and wouldn't change it for anything,THEN WHY DO YOU NEED MOVIES?!
depressed, every time I go to our account I end up checking the recently watched movies and find new ones all the time. I start to cry, thinking of horrible things (he doesn't want me anymore, I hate him, I don't want him to come home and see his face...)

My husband and I have only been married just over a year. We have a 7month old son too. We have sex (not every night, but at least 5x a week).

Help please! What can I do to help myself and help him stop doing this!
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replied October 12th, 2011
One- Creepy I didn't know netflix had porn, better keep my husband away.
My husband watches porn on his phone to please himself in the bathroom, like you I was pissed!
My husband stopped for me because I saw one on his laptop of two girls, and they're super skinny. So I told him he only likes skinny girls. I am chubby so after that he also stopped watching porn.
As for you- Tell him how much it upsets you he'd rather use his hand, rather than his wife.
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replied October 12th, 2011
husband and porn
I caught my husband a few times on the internet porn over the years. Of course when this would happen I would get upset. What women wouldn't. It just pushed him to hide it more. Anyways we have four children two years ago when my daughter was three I found some spread eagle pictures of her. I was furious. Needless to say he moved out. I also found out him and his brother were giving my oldest son 13 porn movies and magazines. After he moved out I found the mother load of porn on his computer. I was clueless that this problem had grown this out of control. I am now divorced and a single mother of four children. Their father whom I dated since I was fifteen does not pay child support and has nothing to do with his children. This may be for the better given the circumstances. However it is very difficult to have to be the sole provider and caretaker. Please don't end up like me. Read the book pornified, educate yourself. My children and I had to go through a lot of counciling. This is not a life you want, get out now. You are young and have a young family and there is so much opportunity out there you don't need him.
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replied December 9th, 2011
I'm so sorry to hear how things turned out for you and your children and how porn ruined your life! You had no choice but to leave this man!I will pray for you and your children to be healed completely from the pain and harm done to you and that you will find the peace and happiness in life you deserve!

rainbow
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replied November 9th, 2011
My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through. I understand your pain, feelings of rejection, self doubt, anxiety and uncertainty. I have been there! You are not alone. There are thousands of women going through exactly the same experience.

It is important to understand that it is not about you! It is not because you are not attractive or sexy enough. I know this is hard to believe, but I assure you it is true. Even if your husband was married to Miss World, he would have done the same thing.

Get professional help as soon as possible. If your husband is not interested then get help for yourself. It is important to talk to someone who will help you to deal with the situation in the best possible way. It is also important to find someone who is professionally trained in this area. I went to a psychologist who specialized in marriage and relationship matters and who is also a clinical sexologist. It is good to talk to close friends you can trust, but although they might be able to comfort and support you they are not professionals and might not know how to advice you correctly.

I would also like to recommend that you google and read the following two (excellent) articles: "Healing Concepts for Women Impacted by Pornography " - By Jill C. Manning, PhD,LMFT and " Whats a woman to do? How pornography affects women and what they can do" -By Geoff Steurer, Director of LifeSTAR of St.George, Utah . A book that also helped me a lot and that provides valuable practical advice for couples is "The Porn Trap " By Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz.

Take care
xx
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replied November 12th, 2011
Why don't you try to watch it with him to understand what it is that he likes so much? My ex a few years ago completely stopped having sex with me but I would notice the history on his computer and he'd been watching a ton of porn. The mistake I made here was never confronting him. In my recent relationships, I've grown to actually enjoy watching porn because it's sexually liberating. I take it as if it's a fantasy for them, we're just lucky they're not acting out the fantasy with some other women.
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replied November 15th, 2011
They are already acting out their fantasy with other women! Do you believe the women producing the images and sex acts on screen (to whom your partner masturbates to) are some kind of blow-up dolls or something? Paper dolls perhaps? They are women of flesh and blood having their acts captured on camera..and when your partner masturbates to them, he becomes a very part of the sex act..!

Don't fool yourself. Watching porn with your partner only enables him to lust over other women without having to feel guilty..and with you next to him the better for him..you are providing him with a big, warm, real life masturbating tool, while he has his eyes fixed on the girls on screen.

Nope CameraFreak..you don't want to be used like this...stand your ground! His porn is hurting you and he should let go of it!

Take care!
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replied April 25th, 2012
Agreed!
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replied December 7th, 2011
From a technical point of view, masturbating to pornography behind your spouse's back, could be seen as an act of infidelity. Two sexual acts are involved in hard-core pornography - the on-camera copulation, and the masturbation it enables. These two sexual acts are interdependent: neither would happen without the other.

However, whether being proved to be an act of infidelity or not, on an emotional level most women do perceive it as being exactly that...an act of adultery. The thought of your partner lusting and masturbating to various images of naked women and sex scenes in porn movies, (whilst imagining himself having sex with the women in the picture or scene) is very unpleasant and hurtful to most women in a romantic or intimate relationship, and most certainly creates feelings of rejection and betrayal. No matter how hard men who are porn consumers try to justify their actions as being "normal" and that "all men are doing it"..and no matter how many times hurting wives and romantic partners are being told to "get a grip of themselves" and to "get over it"..If a women deeply cares for her guy and loves him with all her heart, his porn consumption HURTS! It makes her feel rejected and unwanted.

Most porn users seem to be unable to (or don't want to) grasp the emotional hurt and turmoil they are causing their partners with this narcissistic and selfish habit. Dr Jill C. Manning comments as follows in an article on the effects of porn on marriages:

"As a marriage and family therapist who works with women directly impacted by pornography, I am continually struck by the profound damage it causes. Although downplayed and dismissed by many, pornography consumption by a spouse is devastating and should not be underestimated in terms of the far-reaching consequences it has on trust, intimacy, family life, children, finances, the marital friendship, and, in a growing number of cases, the existence of the marriage itself. Aside from abuse, I know of no other marital issue that affects the very soul of women more than pornography consumption by a spouse. Too often, the discovery or disclosure of a pornography problem in marriage causes women to slip into unhealthy comparisons; to engage in inappropriate behavior themselves; or to spiral downward into depression, self-doubt, and in some cases, even suicidal thinking. These responses, although unhelpful, are understandable when the magnitude of damage, betrayal, and hurt are understood. Pornography, by nature and name, diminishes virtue, love, creativity, healthy sexuality, personal and relational growth, and honesty."

I concur with her findings as I've experienced most of it in my own marriage due to a porn issue - and so have thousands of other women.
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replied December 8th, 2011
Hey,

I do feel for you! I've dealt with this many times with ex partners and even my current boyfriend! Haha..

I've heard before that men are more likely to find the opposites of their gf sexy or a turn on because its almost like forbidden fruit? Say for example a man chooses to be with a dark haired woman who is slim and has smaller boobs he would most likely watch porn with a curvy blonde woman in it because its different and there is no emotional links? I'm realy not sure how true it is, I think I read it in a mag once but it can help you understand why.

I know what your husband is doing is hurtful and you probably just want to scream at him until he understands how it makes you feel and until he promises he wont do it again.. But a word of advice here, DONT make him "promise" not to watch porn or please himself because it will become more naughty and he will probably just end up doing it more..

Instead (And I know how hard this may sound) make out that it doesnt bother you. Shrug it off, By all means tell him that you know what hes been up to but dont make such a huge deal out of it. Maybe suggest watching it together? Or talk to him about how sex could be more forfilling for him? Dress up or try role play/dirty talking?

It may just be because he wants to be like the actors in those movies with you? Theres no evidence to say he doesnt think of you and him having sex whilst watching them so try not to have too much of a go at him.

I'm not meaning to slate you atall I am just giving you advice as I've been in this situation a couple of times (Was worse when I was pregnant as I understood exactly why he was doing it! lol) And I know how angry and hurt I was when I first realised and its so easy to just storm right into them and scream and shout but at the end of the day it doesnt solve anything..

My bf has actually got himself off over girls on tv on channels like "babestation" ect before and I think I would actually prefer him to watch porn over a girl with a bikini on talking on the phone lol!

But hey ho! He will never meet these girls and if hes just using them as material for getting off then its no problem for me. I get love and actual sex from him and when I dress up I know I'm 10x better than porn actresses and the women on those channels because he fell in love with who I am.

Also- If you "please yourself" or ever have then you know it doesnt effect how you feel for your partner, and you know that it would probably just be for one reason and the reason is to relieve tension, Sometimes we dont feel like a whole session of sex instead we just want a quick and fast way to relieve it?

Dunno if this helped but I really hope so Smile
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replied December 8th, 2011
In my opinion it is important to confront your husband about the issue...I've been too accommodating for many years. My husband only started making an effort when he realized that I was serious...that I didn't want porn in the relationship..and that he had to choose between me and porn. A book I want to recommend is "Living with your husband's secret wars" by Marsha Means. The importance of confronting your husband about his habit and how to go about it is dealt with quite extensively as well as other matters such as weather you should (and when to) consider separation etc.

He should hear and understand your pain. I've read confessions of many former porn users who said that once they've grasp and understood the pain of their partners they became motivated to change. However, it is important to - when you inform him of your feelings of rejection, betrayal, etc.-.that it should be done when you are in control of your emotions..not in a hand wringing and pleading manner.Tell him that you love him very dearly, but that you are not prepared to be in a relationship in which you are exposed to this type of emotional abuse. Don't make threats that you can't comply with...if you told him you are going to move out until he comes to his senses..then be prepared to do so.("Love must be tough"..Dr Doubson.)

Please get educated about the effects of porn on the individual consuming it. You are not helping yourself and your husband by turning a blind eye. There are many good books avaiable dealing with the subject..I think it is a good idea to read "The Porn Trap" By Wendy Maltz and Larry Maltz as well as "Pornified" by Pamela Paul.

Perhaps you could in the mean time read an internet article titled "How Porn Destroys Lives" while you don't have any books at hand yet. It covers an interview with Pamela Paul on her book "Pornified" which details how the widespread use of pornography is changing American culture and relationships.

She was surprised to find that porn was just about everywhere, but she was even more surprised, according to the article, by ''how often pornography use ruins relationships, increases sexual dysfunction, and changes what men expect from women."

When the interviewer asked her "With all this pornography out there, does it have any effect?" She replied: '' I was absolutely shocked by what I found. I talked to people whose lives were really destroyed by pornography."

She was shocked that so many men and women said that porn can help people sexually, that it helps them to open up, that it's fun and harmless, but at the same time some men who were fans of pornography reported that their sex lives were damaged. "They had trouble maintaining erections,they were having trouble having intercourse with their wives, they simply couldn't enjoy real human sexuality anymore. These men had programmed themselves to only sexually cue to computerized, commercialized pornography."

"Even people who didn't bottom out - total porn addiction, marriages breaking up, people losing their jobs, which did happen - even the people who didn't go that extreme were profoundly affected by porn. Sometimes they realized they were, but often they didn't realize the affects pornography had on them"

She was also asked how do people go from being a casual consumer of an occasional pornographic magazine to someone who is addicted? And her reply was: ''I wrote a chapter about how pornography affects men and I went through the steps for how it affects casual users: it desensitizes them, then it escalates into more extreme and excessive interest. And then I did a chapter on men who had completely bottomed out and were addicted to pornography. And I went through the same steps. It's scary-the casual user was showing the same effects, just to a lesser degree than the addict was.'

The point I'm trying to make is that porn is no innocent "stress-reliever". Porn destroys people and marriages.
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replied December 8th, 2011
Another great book to read is "Your sexually addicted spouse: How Partners Can Cope And heal By Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. The approach of the authors is not to lable partners of porn users as "co-addicted" but rather as persons who experienced trauma.
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replied January 21st, 2012
I understand porn has ruined some peoples relationships, and all and my heart goes out to you. but dont think of that. try thinking of it as, he wants to do (what ever he is watching) with you, he is 'glimpsing' it you and him, doing it or he is getting ideas. Why not watch it with him, then try to have a bit fun afterwards, try something new, or a way to get in the mood.
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replied January 27th, 2012
No, don't go there! I agree with Foxy! Watching porn with your husband only gives him the oportunity to lust over other women without having to feel guilty! With his eyes fixed on the girls on screen you become nothing more to him than a huge, warm masturbating tool! Ideas? What ideas? That a woman loves it when a number of brutal men ejaculates all over her face? Or that a woman enjoys being penetrated by three men at once? Pornography is telling lies about the sexual needs and joys of women. Even the porn stars themselves are lying! They are faking all those "smiles" and expressions of pleasure!! They all have to take druggs, alcohol or pain killers to perform those acts during a shooting.Please do yourself a favour and google the testimony of ex-porn star Shelly Luben "The truth behind the fantasy of porn" You will be shocked to learn the truth of producing porn!If you need some ideas on how to spice up your sexlife as a couple, there are plenty of good, professional books available.Porn messes with people's minds - especially those of young people!!
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replied February 21st, 2012
Most porn users seem to be unable to (or don't want to) grasp the emotional hurt and turmoil they are causing their partners with this narcissistic and selfish habit.
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replied March 22nd, 2012
Yes, and I find it strange that some women seem to have no problem with "going with the flow"?! They obviously have no idea of the long term harm caused by porn!
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replied July 14th, 2012
I watch and masturbate to internet porn. If my wife actually enjoyed sex as much as I did then there would be no need for this because I enjoy the real thing more. Unfortunately, many woman seem to go off sex once they are married and mothers, and men get rationed with an occasional favour. I am sure many woman would like their man never to think of sex other than when he is with them but the male mind and body doesnt work like that. If you want your man not to look at porn then make sure you have lots of sex (including real good blowjobs) with him and enjoy it too
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replied July 25th, 2012
porn and relationships
Jerry007 u can not be more wrong. About women becoming mothers or wives not wanting as much sex!!! I glad a son nearly 1year ago and s since then my sexual drive has actually got a lot higher.. before I had my child me and my partner had great sex anyway.. and often!!! But since having my child me n my partner stopped having it ad much. And his excuses was he's too tired! Or when we did he'd go soft half way through! I felt it was my fault. So I'd dress up fir him, try n spice it up abit. With no look. He either couldn't get hard or go soft half way through! As u can imagine this wad very upsetting for me. And made me feel like I didn't do anything for him. No matter how much he said it's wasn't me. I didn't believe him. Then I startedvfinding evidence of him relieving himself. Then I caught him on the computer to porn. So I started checking up on him and found he was doing it quite a lot.
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replied July 26th, 2012
The thing about porn is.... it desensitizes us to sex. If you keep watching porn, how can you fantasize about and become aroused with your own partner. The more kinky and weird stuff you allow into your mind, the harder it will be to please your body.
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replied March 17th, 2013
porn and sex
It is true that I dont fantasize about my wife but despite watching porn and masturbating I have never not been aroused by her. On the other hand, I have been refused sex so often that I have all but given up.
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replied March 29th, 2013
my husband and i are both 60. 2 years ago we got our first computer.we had not had sex for 9 years,it was not a happy marriage right from the start.i saw that he was looking at porn and chatting online to one girl all the time.we got the computer im may the same month he started wanting sex again,i didnt realize the porn was the reason he started wanting me again.when i asked him why he started things up he denied it was him ,he said i started it.for 6 weeks he was all over me,and i loved it.he was a different man,loving considerate fun,happy. one morning he was back to the same cold distant person he had been for years,but still wanted sex.i almost fell apart,i wanted to know what went wrong,but he said he was the same and im imagining it.meanwhile hes still watching alot of porn but he dosent know i check his history.3 months ago i had a bit of a family upset and discovered he had chatted to this girl that morning.i was pissed and hurt,couldnt he just leave it for one day.i confronted him with this snd showed him how i check where he goes on the computer.he said yes he lookes at porn but has never chatted online.the evidence is there how can he denigh it.we still have sex ,but not often.i cant relax with him now.and now he knows how to clear history i have no way of knowing where he goes.he wont talk about anything.he has never been willing to talk about any subject ever,not just this.we have had a long and unhappy marriage.i thought we could finally have something together noe its all a mess.what can i do when he wont talk.im hurt and angry and dissapointed.
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replied March 29th, 2013
Please forgive how badly my post was written.I was shaking so much i could hardley press the keys.
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replied January 1st, 2014
My husband has lost interest in sex since he started watching porn 2 years ago. I have tried talking to him about it, telling him how bad it makes me feel and how much it hurts me that he prefers to watch porn instead of having sex. His answer was all guys watch porn and it's no big deal and then just laughed at me and told me to get over it. He asked me how I liked being told no because I had told him no over the years. Yes I have, the days I was too tired to even function or the times it was 3 in the morning and I had to be up for work in just a few hours, so yes he has been told no but not because I preferred other men over him. He has crashed his laptop twice, his PC twice, one phone was now working very well and I know it was due to the porn sites because they will infect your computer/phone with viruses. I was totally stupid 2 weeks ago and got him a new phone and the first day he had it he was on porn. Yes I check his internet history, no I am not ashamed for doing it. 2 days ago he had over 50 porn sites on his phones history and yesterday over 20, all this is don while I am at work. He is self employed so he has no set hours and works when he wants, unfortunately I do not believe he has put in 8 hour a day for several years now. He is the best at what he does but when he takes 3 months to do a job that should be done in 3 weeks then word gets around and business drops. If he would just put the time and effort of his porn use into his work life and marriage then we would both be happier. I plan on leaving when I have saved up enough money to leave. 30 year with him, I would have never imagined it would end like this.
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replied January 3rd, 2014
Your husband has an addiction to pornography. He needs to realize that he is addicted to pornography and want to stop viewing pornography. He should get professional help from a counselor, priest, minister,etc. to stop viewing the pornography. Addiction to pornography is very common today in our culture and society. The pornography has replaced the sex that you and your husband had.
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replied January 3rd, 2014
Community Volunteer
Hi cherokee13....Maz58 is right...Why not lay the cards on the table and mean it...It is either me or Porn?...Porn addiction is and can be an addiction among people...Not only men, but some women too...Unless he can go cold turkey he probably will continue...I wish you well...Take care...

Caroline...
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