Well let me start off by saying that both of my parents have never been the responsible type. I used to think that my dad was everything. An honest, hard working man. At the age of 12, I found marijuana in his drawer, although at the time i did not know what it was. I showed my mom and she urged me it was rolling tobacco for cigarettes. I have never been grounded once, which may seem nice, but after a while I matured and really thought that I would like more stability and responsibility.
My parents got along great until we moved in the year 2000. This is where everything crumbles and goes downhill. They started fighting more often, my mom would get emotionally violent ripping my dad apart and she accused him of being gay because she found him looking at homosexual pornographic material on the computer. This had a big impact on me too. I didn't know what to think being maybe 9-10 years old. This was the start of everything.
In 2003, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. They found it early, and her lymph nodes came back negative which was a big sign of relief. While going through chemo therapy, however, she was always depressed and crying and starting fights with my father. They both can be verbally abusive but never physically.
Now it just goes downhill. Ever since i started highschool, my dad has become a drug user, and a alcoholic. There marriage pretty much ended by the time i started highschool, but never went through with a divorce. My house used to be well put up in the neighborhood, but now that my parents have been at each others throats our house is terrible. We have a mice problem, our house is not clean at all, it used to be cleaned everyday. My mother and father have no rules for me what-so-ever. I feel that they have failed as parents to be responsible.
I recently learned that my mom is seeing my old best friends dad. Me and this kid were bestfriends through elementary and middle school, but we just grew apart when we got to highschool. She told me she was seeing him and i didn't know what to think, i mean hes a good guy and all but its just really awkward. My dad has NEVER been there for me for emotional support and I feel we have no strong relationship at all. And I also believe he favors my brother more because hell go out and get him whatever he wants, hes been school clothes shopping twice, and im still wearing my clothes from last winter, and my coat that barely fits.
I would say I am more closer with my mom, but I have a very hard time opening up and expressing my emotions. I am very smalll for my age, I am 5'7 and 110-115 lbs. I was a so called "late bloomer" and was excited when i started puberty.
I have NEVER talked to my dad about any of my problems, and I feel that I just cant talk to him about anything because he seems out of it 24/7. It's very hard opening up to someone when you don't have a close relationship at all. My mother and father both work extremely long shifts, and whenever my mother gets off work her time is always spent with her new boyfriend, she never spends time with me or my brother. My brother and I do not have a close relationship what-so-ever. He is more on my dads side, but I am on no ones side. I love both of my parents equally, but I would say I am closer with my mother.
My dad thinks its ok. I think he buys my love with money because I can usually get away with asking for around 10-15 dollars every other day and he will do it. I think he just does it to make me leave so he can have the house to himself with no one bothering him. I am 16 years old right now, I should be a junior, but am a sophomore I am behind a half credit.
I have a lot of friends, and enjoy going out with them everyday. I am not going to lie either, I do smoke weed and drink sometimes on the weekends so yea. My mom and dad both do not care what I do like i previously said. They do not keep track on my school work, just tell me to do good and even if I do bad they won't do anything. I am never home on the weekends and I never really talk to my mother or father that much. My dad's routine is getting off work around 3 pm and sitting at home usually high on drugs and drinks at night. My mom works very long shifts, because they are in the middle of a divorce so she has to work long shifts to make money for living on her own.
When I am alone, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I wish i could open up easier, and I wish i could have a closer relationship with my family, but it seems just hard to do and I can't explain it. I have a hard time talking about how I am feeling and my emotions are always in a haze. Me and my brother have a terrible relationship as well also. He tries to be cool to me when hes alone, but he is also a lot bigger than me and is a freshman. He like picks on me when hes with his friends and they annoy me a lot but I am a lot smaller than most of them. My brother changes his personality when there not around, trying to be cool with me. I usually am a complete problem to him because I just have a lot of anger and jealousy towards him. The fact that hes bigger, and the fact that my dad will get him what he wants just makes me feel terrible. I get better grades than him now ( i messed up freshman year) I maintain a c average which isnt good but its decent. He is currently failing all his classes but he manages to get whatever he wants.
I feel like there is no connection between me and my mother anymore. We used to be so close and now we don't talk and I see her not even a full hour a day. When she is not working her time is spent with her new boyfriend. So while I am at home, I feel just sheltered, i cant find a word to describe it. I feel very lonely and I never have anyone to talk to.
I don't know if i'm ready to speak to a counselor. I find it very nervous and awkward to go and talk to a stranger about all of my problems even though they can help. My escape in life is my friends. That is the one time i am never down. I enjoy every minute hanging with them and most of them have similar problems as I do, such as parents getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend, or using drugs. When I am at home, most of my time is spent with my room as I have no connection what so ever with my brother or father. I feel my dad is very very lazy and only cares about his cocaine weed and alcohol. I know he does coacine because i find half straws in his pockets and even found a bag with white powder in it. It just makes me feel worse when these kind of things happen. He doesn't care about our house, it is filty and not even close as cozy as it used to be. He does little lawnwork and if I ask him about doin something such as taking care of the rodent problem, he just says hell call an exerminator next weekend, and never EVER goes through with it. We have absolutely no groceries in our house EVER. Hell go shopping once in a great while but whats about it. We don't even have milk or eggs or any lunch meat, soup, or snacks in the house which is another thing that just keeps adding on to my never ending list of stress.
I just really wish i could open up easier and have someone to talk to. I constantly feel alone in my own world and my emotions are ALWAYS in a haze. I want a stronger connection with my mother more than anything I feel she doesn't care about me or my brother anymore. She still says she loves me and sometimes asks if i have anything i wanna talk about but i just say i don't because i find it hard talking to her when we have little connection anymore. I don't really have any bestfriends i can talk to this sort of thing about.
This is my big list of thoughts. I never have spoken to anyone about them. This is the biggest and most time I have ever opened up. I am just a 16 year old teenager trying to get mentally healthy.
It makes it ten times harder when I am not even close with my grandparents at all either. My moms mom lives with her husband (step-grandpa really cool guy) in upper michigan. My moms dad, who i have never been close with, lives in arizona and my dads relitives live in nevada. I am stuck in the suburbs of detroit.
Well thanks for anyone who took the time to read this, ill add other stuff but now i think i pretty much got it all out. Please post your concerns and tips.
~mike