Medical Questions > Relationships > Family Relationships Forum

My dad and I arent talking and I need help.

I am currently not speaking to my father and I see no end in sight. I dont want to never have a relationship with him again but I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel. He has always been hard on me, more so me than my brothers. I am gay, I am successful and the only person he is more mean to than me is my mother. And when I say mean, I mean the meanest a man can be without physical abuse. He has belittled in public, criticized and berated. He is lazy and entitled and his sense of superiority over everyone in his world is delusional and unhealthy. He is constantly reminding me that I wont be half the man he is. He treats my mother like a servant and his disregard for her feelings or her worth can only be described as verbal and mental and emotional abuse.
Now that my siblings and I are in our 30's, my mother has finally left him. At first he blamed me for the separation because he claimed that I was putting thoughts and ideas in my mom's head about how horrible he is and how she shouldnt have to put up with it. He has also blamed me in the past for starting fights between them and putting unnecessary strain on their marriage. He used to yell and berate me for as much as 1+ hours for mistakes or accidents that kids make. The latest was the 1+ hour scream-fest he gave me for changing the pre-set stations on my mom's car radio. I was raised to respect my elders and defending yourself or talking back or arguing is considered disrespectful and unacceptable. After a certain point my mother would intervene and he would fight with her about how to discipline me. A fight would ensue. When the fight was winding down and he wanted to resolve it, I would hear him blame me for starting the fight because the fight wouldnt have started if I hadnt made the mistake. I cant even count how many times this happened to me as a kid.
Now that he knows that blaming me wont bring my mom back the damage has already been done to our relationship. He told my whole family what he felt about me and that he never wants to talk to me again. I think it would hurt his pride too much to reach out to me or to allow the family to see that he and I are getting along. I cant help but feel helpless and hopeless. Im not going to lie to him to make him feel better about anything. He raised me different than that.
Added to all of this, he has been without work and without drive to work for the past couple years... well 5 years. In desperation to help my mom who has been at her wits end with finances and her crumbling marriage, I have been supporting them financially for a year and a half. My father is aware where the money is coming from but he will not acknowledge it and it has only made the jabs at me meaner and reach deeper.
I have nephews and brothers and I know that i will see him again and again and I want a relationship with him. He can be funny and he is very smart. If I ever have kids it would nice to know that they have a relationship with their grandfather... if he wants one since they will be products of a gay marriage which he is fundamentally against.
Please help.
Did you find this post helpful?
|