Hello... this post is going to be very, VERY scatterbrained because I have a million different things going on in my mind. I'm a sixteen year-old girl who acts and feels like I'm twenty-five. I don't relate to my age group at all, hence why most of my friends are older. I take online classes (I hated high school, luckily my social life has been at my church so that didn't change at all). I am extremely unmotivated in everything I do, but much more unmotivated lately. I feel like I've given up. I feel stuck, I don't care, I see little reason. It used to be my faith keeping me going. But I've lost that, too. I’ve got depression, anxiety, ADD and OCD. Usually I can deal with it. Now, I’m wondering if it has finally gotten the best of me. Lately my mind has been going at eighty miles a minute. It thinks and thinks and doesn’t shut up. I’m starting to feel trapped inside my own mind. I’m thinking so much to the point that everything about me is changing, I can’t even sleep. It gets worse every day. I’ve had such a STRONG Catholic faith and I feel like it’s just… just gone. I believe nothing anymore and the guilt I feel is horrendous. Yet I’m so numb. I’m starting to become such a factual, logical person. I'm finding all these things about the church that seem wrong to me even though I use to be defending these things, I'm beginning to think of all these reasons that believing in God is illogical, but I feel like I have to still believe in Him. I'm scared. I'm wondering if I have been hypnotized by myself this whole time into believing in and clinging to this wonderful God. What if I leave the faith and then it's real?! I'll go to Hell, no doubt. I would have hurt Him. I don't know what to do. It's making me worse. All of my relationships are based off of this faith; if I lose it, I lose everything else along with it. I think, think, think more and more, I isolate myself more and more, I grow more and more numb and frankly I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s like I stepped out of my own body, looked at myself and said “see you later!” Like the life I’m living isn’t even my own… like I just left who I was behind. It’s affecting me physically. I’m feeling sick, like I said I’m not sleeping, I’m only eating about once a day to keep me going, food sounds unappealing, I’m light-sensitive, I’m starting to have this constant headache and I NEVER get headaches, I feel weak and weird… and different. My interests have, for years, been theology, arts, philosophy, music, film, those kinda things. All of the sudden I have this keen interest in science… SCIENCE. I’ve always hated science and math. I use the constant watching of Doctor Who to block out my own mind, because if I go too long without distractions at some points I’ll get all panicky. Not to mention I just love Doctor Who. I cling to my computer and a mug full of coffee all day and that is it. I have dreams of moving to the UK and studying something I love in a wonderful place, somewhere like Leeds, Glasgow, or London, but I can't get myself to do school work. My classes are "teaching" me things I already know. They're so dull, and I can't motivate myself to get through them. I won't succeed, it's too late. I can't get into a good college because I have never been able to just TRY. My grades are horribly low, plus I can't afford to move overseas. Along with that, I'll always have this battle inside of me between faith and reason stunting me from being able to just LIVE. I can't achieve my dreams, I don't have the means or the sought-after perfection. What's the point? I have nobody to turn to, I really don’t. I don’t have friends that are close anymore… I haven’t for a while. So many of them have turned their backs on me. I know you'll ask "are you sure it's not you?" But when I'm around people, I am the most cheery person in the world, always being eccentric and cracking jokes. You have no idea how much I hear "you are the happiest person I know!" or "you are just NEVER sad." That's how people see me. I know that I'm a good, uplifting, supportive friend, but people just don't care about me as much as they say they do. Because of how often I lose relationships, I’ve lost my sense of trust. Sure, when somebody is kind to me it absolutely brightens my day. My heart warms right up and we'll have a lovely conversation. But people don't ever REALLY get to know me, and now I’ve stopped trying to get to know people or allowing them to know me. Part because it never works, but also because I don’t even know who I am anymore, so I figure I should get to know who this new me is before anyone else. Will I ever go back to who I was? I promise I’m not insane but I’m in a bit of a crisis. Does ANYBODY relate to this?! Does anything I’m saying make sense? My explanation does my situation no justice… I can’t properly explain it. I still feel sane, just like a different person. A hopeless, lonely, Doctor-Who-Addicted failure whose dreams are bigger than could ever be achieved. I am not suicidal, yet I see little point in anything. We're just a little world in a seemingly endless universe and I am a mere dot of life, not even visible from far away. I can't accomplish great things, I am fairly ugly and not thin, nothing special. Not a person who anyone will fall in love with, not a person who will change the world or win awards. I thought I could change the world once, I really did, but it's a childish thing to think for someone like me. There are have been amazing, driven people who have changed the world because they had it in them. I don't. I don't even know if I want to. I've seen and heard of and even experienced so many things that are supposed to be wonderful... but it's all disappointing in the end. Where is the joy in life?
Your eyes have been open to the truth that religion is really all just smoke and mirrors. This can be disheartening for a former religious person, but soon you will feel the joy that comes from learning about the natural world. Do you need belief in God to enjoy the awe-inspiring colors of a sunrise or the musical orchestra of birds at dawn? No, of course not.
New friends will be found. Life continues post-religion. Find the joys in everyday life and happiness is yours.
You should reflect on the moment when your faith elevated to the point where you knew for sure that God is real and hold onto that. You are dealing with something that I've also dealt with...the mixture of intelligence w/ laziness. It is prob the ADD or what ever that has made you feel this way but overtime you'll learn to deal with it. God loves you and His Word is true. Just know there's a lady in NY praying for you.
I'm so sorry for your pain--it sounds like you have so many different issues going on, both physical (with the changes of adolescence) and psychological. You are also at an age when your faith needs to mature and put away the child's notions and take on a grown-up spirituality . Despite what some people may try to tell you, there's actually no conflict between reason and faith, just a different way of looking at the world.
I would suggest choosing only one or two areas to work on at a time--to figure it out, to plan a course of action. Find a trusted adult to talk to, like a guidance counselor at school, or a youth minister at your church.
If you think you are going to hurt yourself or other people GET HELP. There are hotlines set up where you can talk to people 24 hours a day.
Take real good care of yourself right now--good food, rest, exercize. Have you had a recent physical? Chemical imbalances and some health problems can cause depression (like hypothyroidism, for instance). Explore your life options. Give yourself a lot of space to embrace the fact that you are flawed (it's okay, you know). Understand that even the best people around you are also flawed and that good people and good organizations can still have faults and make mistakes.