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My Brother drowned in front of me

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This happened almost 11 years ago...and I have been healing, but the event still huants me. Billy was truning 30 celebrating his birthday. It was him, me and my other Troy....none else was there. We were all drinking. Billy started running and jumping into a kids pool as Troy and I were talking. He did this a few times...the last time I saw him floating and I pionted it out to Troy..but we both agreed he was joking..so we kept talking.
A few mintites later we checked on him.....he didnt move, so we puled him out. Troy pulled one arm and I the other. We got him out of the pool laid him on his back. His eyes had a blank stare, like he was gone. But he still had a heart beat, we called 911, and I gave him mouth to mouth until they came. We both thought he would be ok in the morning, we were unable to think anything else.
Three days later they told us he was brain dead.
Billy was the one born after me in the family...I was two years older than him. I never thought I would have to live without him by my side. He was the closest person in the world to me when he passed away. I could share anything with him, he listened and didnt judge me.
I had the same nightmare over and over when asleep or TRYIng to go to sleep. I would see him when he was running to jump in for the last time and instead of doing nothing, like in reality, I would runn in front of him and scream NO!
I would scream in agony to God to take me too.
But I am now learning there is nothing I could have done to save him, it was not in my hands..I did not know, so I could not have changed anything.
BUT It still hurts and when I hear an ambulance I often still brake down.
I love my brother, I love my brother Troy to...he hasnt gotten any real help for this, and he drinks a lot...I pray for him everyday.
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First Helper User Profile Caffus
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replied May 16th, 2012
PTSD
I'm so sorry for your loss. I saw my mother die at 16. It's been almost 10 years for me but I still have that auto replay happen too. Its too bad that there isnt much support for non combat PTSD survivors.
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Users who thank Krisw for this post: Caffus 

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replied June 5th, 2012
There is grief support groups...but I havent seen anything for PTSD. I have gone to two berevment groups..and internet support for loss. It does help alot...dont know were I'd be without it. Thank you for your responds. Sorry, you are going through that kind of loss at such a young age..I hope you have found some comfort.
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replied July 14th, 2012
I'm very sorry for your loss. Its good that you are not blaming yourself for this, I'm sure he would want you to live a happy life. much love and support
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