Relationships and Marriage Forum - My boyfriend says he is tired of waiting for me on everything

Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum > My boyfriend says he is tired of waiting for me on everything

Q: My boyfriend says he is tired of waiting for me on everything

asked by: StuckInClouds on May 20th, 2009

New User

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now and though I just turned 21 I feel a bit ashamed to say that he is my first boyfriend. I grew up very sheltered and my parents have made it clear they do not want me to invest in a relationship until after I graduate college. Needless to say after my second year of college I caved in and started dating my boyfriend.

He used to have no direction in his life and went through so much, but I have known him since middle school and always tried to make him pull his life together. Now that we have been together it feels like I have found someone who really cares about me. He has shown great initiative to go back to school and try to get a better job. He stopped smoking and drinking and has really committed to our relationship. Lately however problems started to surface and it seems like all we do is argue and I find myself crying almost every night. You see I'm still a virgin, and I really want to wait until I get married. My mom has scarred me from a young age not to have sex and I can't help but feel guilty whenever the chance of having sex with my boyfriend presents itself. The thing is my dad doesn't know I even have a boyfriend but my mom tries her best to allow me to see him, but with certain limits and boundaries. She helps me to see my boyfriend so I can't help but feel like I owe to her to not have sex just yet. My boyfriend on the other hand hates the fact that he has to wait. None the less he does but I can tell he gets frustrated from not having it. But I feel as if there is no way to compromise this situation because it is my virginity and I understand as a couple you need to compromise, but how can you in this situation?

Another thing he wants me to tell my dad about him, which just doesn't seem like a good idea at this time because my dad does not really like him to begin with. (you see my dad caught him in the house when i snuck him in one night). He is tired of hiding our relationship at 21 years old and my parents' strict ways are putting a strain on the relationship.

On top of it all he wants me to move in with him right after I graduate, have kids around 23 and get married. These are all great and I have no problem sharing my life with him, but I feel it is all too soon and told him I would rather live on my own first and have kids at a later age. After all I have been sheltered for so long I want to experience life first, but now he says he doesn't think it's fair that I make him wait on all these things. He says I make no room for compromise and don't take his needs and wants into consideration. Am I wrong for wanting him to wait concerning these aspects? am I being selfish? I really don't know where to go from here

Replies(5)

ioka

replied on May 20th, 2009

Supporter

hello and welcome to e.health forum. firstly you are not selfish he is being the selfish one and if he loves you as much as you say he would wait till hell froze over to make you happy.
your virginity is a credit too you and i so admire your views in wishing to wait. so many relationships have ended because they rushed into things to soon.
my parents were a bit like yours and i was sheltered alot like you and i learned about my period in the girls school toilet as i couldn,t approach my mother about these issues.
i understand you feel obligated to your mum and she is trying so hard to be fair and you want to give her respect in helping you see him.
when you finally get to make love it should be a wonderful experience and worth the wait its not just there to be given into so your boyfriend gets what he wants.
is there a way your mother could talk your father around? he may not like him but one day you may marry him and its not your fathers choice to choose your partners.
we have all been there and you are being so patient so you need to hang in there.
now your partner wishes you to live together, have children then marry. from my experience i got married because i was pregnant and only 18 and then the house came.
i would say see you get your qualifications first as the pressure of a new arrival left me a single parent 3 months after my son was born. im not saying this would happen to you but i would say you know what you want and your future plans have a better outlook.
its not easy when you have lead a sheltered life but you seem to be doing really well and i know you love your boyfriend but stick to your guns and if you need to talk we are all here to support you.

ServiceU

replied on May 20th, 2009

Supporter

your not going to like my response. but he's probably not the right guy for you. i stayed with guys that wanted different things than me and it always end up in disaster. if you feel that strongly about keeping your virginity, then you need to be with someone that will respect that (church guy).

my parents was very strick, but it had an opposite effect. they made me very curious and i did a lot of bad things. but i m concerned about will you enjoy sex when your married b/c of what your mom said to you.

it would be a bad idea to tell your dad, if you know he's going to react in a negative way. i think it's a good idea for you to live alone first. your b/f is stressing you.

worrywart01

replied on May 21st, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

First of all I can sort of relate to you about the virginity thing..my parents too stressed the fact that I should wait until marriage and that was the plan for me..it was what i was raised to believe all my life..however...i finally reached the age and felt i was old enough to decide for MYSELF what was right for me...i fell in love at 19..its been 3 years now and i'm still in love with the same guy that took my virginity...do i wish I'd waited until marriage?....not really...so just make sure you are deciding for YOURSELF whats right for you and not letting your parents control your life so much..you are 21...second of all..if you DO still want to wait until marriage then thats just something your boyfriend should have been aware of walking into the relationship and just respect that...if he doesn't respect it and its that big of a deal to him and he just cant wait...then thats a huge problem...also..I personally believe you should tell your parents about your relationship...i think its absolutely ridiculous they are controlling your life so much and saying they dont even want you in a relationship until youre done w college...you're 21..you should be mature enough to make your OWN decisions and balance a relationship and college work...hiding this is only adding to your stress i'm sure..like i said, my boyfriend and i have been together 3 years now..i'm 22 now, and i've made it crystal clear to him that i dont want any thoughts about marriage until I'm done w/college..my education is important to me right now, and i dont need to be worrying about wedding plans..he has completely respected that...your boyfriend needs to understand that it DOES take compromise in a relationship..but it sounds to me like hes pushing you around and not helping at all in compromising...sorry i've ranted for so long..my point here is you have ALOT of people pushing and pulling you in different directions..your parents influencing you in one way...your boyfriend pushing you in another way..stop for a minute and think..what do YOU want? and then go from there...its your life..your decisions..you're mature enough to make these decisions yourself

nemequittemas

replied on August 13th, 2009

New User

i hope i don't sound too harsh when saying this, but your parents are, for lack of better term, ridiculous.
it's great that your mom is trying to help you out, but at 21, sneaking behind your dad's back with a boyfriend you're not even having sex with is insane. it's not fair to you, it's not fair to your boyfriend (who gets points for WANTING to meet your dad and have them know about the two of you), and it's not fair to either of your parents.

many people don't want to wait for marriage to have sex, and that's okay. your boyfriend may as well wait for you and be a great guy for doing so. but, with my personal experience, i will ask you to at least take a step back and asses your love life: not because this boy may not be right for you, but because he is the first boy you have been with. you may very well be missing out on some crucial experience with relationships, and therefore it would be unwise to get married with your first boyfriend at such a young age.

i sincerely hope things work out well for you Smile

W0LF

replied on August 14th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy (online)

Hey StuckInClouds
You are a unique woman but not in a way that is an asset to your boyfriend. Other women at your age don't have the very severe restrictions you have. They're able to have sex, they don't have to hide their relationship from their parents. Most women your age are well into their own life, not allowing their parents to make decisions in their life. It's not so selfish or unselfish that he wants what he wants. He is in a hurry to begin his life. Most men in their 20's are. It's not selfish of you to want what you want, to take your time before you marry. You shouldn't enter into marriage with reservations.

I do however think it's unhealthy for you to stay a child of your parents. The time when you should stop putting your parents wants before your own came and went a few years ago. You should be looking for opportunities to spread your wings and if you pass up a chance to take more control of your life you should analyze the decision you made critically.

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