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My Boyfriend's Mother Lives with Us

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. For the most part, it was instant attraction and love at first sight for us both. We had an extremely rocky beginning because I was going through a divorce and he was in a relationship that was in shambles at the time. Needless to say, after spending as much time together as we could, we finally made it to where we were committed to one another and the world was ours to rule.

We've talked about marriage. We've talked about family planning. We've talked about life, love and our happily ever after together.

About 5 months ago, my boyfriend started looking for a house to purchase. He started making these big plans that included me and more or less, he was making me his princess and he was finding out happily ever after to begin our dream.

Unfortunately for his family, right around this time, his parent's marriage of 38 years came to an end. The marriage was abusive and for the most part, his mother escaped a horrible, horrible situation. She went to live with my boyfriend's sister and her family to remove herself from their shared home and gave his dad time to pack his belongings and move a few states away to start back regaining his life.

With this misfortune can an opportunity for my boyfriend to buy his childhood home...how exciting! We would get to raise our very own family in the house that he grew up in and share in more memories of our own...right? Well, this is when everything kind of took a 180 on us and what I thought was a mutual understanding.

With the intent to purchase his childhood home, without me knowing, my boyfriend and his mother arranged an agreement that she would come and live with us. She would put her belongings in one bedroom upstairs, make herself a place in life to where she could evaluate where she was going and what her next move to make was. I was told many times by my boyfriend and his mother both that this living arrangement was only going to be temporary and that in a couple of months, she's be gone with a plan and life of her own to find her independence.

Move in was three weeks ago. Move in was horrific. His mother did nothing. As I unpacked our belongings, I had to pack hers up and move them upstairs for her. Not once did she help with the move...nor did she help pack her stuff...nor did she even offer or say thank you.

After move-in, thankfully, my boyfriend and I had planned a vacation to Mexico to get away for a week and just enjoy each other because honestly, the stress and tension of the move was a little more than either one of use could handle.

When we returned from vacation, not only had his mother taken over the entire upstairs and moved more of her belongings downstairs but, she had decorated the downstairs with her things and kind of move all of my boyfriend and my belongings out of the way...

Later I find out that not only did my boyfriend tell his mother that she could stay as long as she'd like but that she'd only have to pay $200 a month in bills (which doesn't even make a dent in them) and now, from the feelings I'm getting from her, this isn't a temporary living arrangement for her...I feel like she's there to stay.

I'm having some serious issues with this and please tell me if I'm being immature or being out of line for feeling the way I do...
I feel lied to. I feel that my boyfriend and his mother kind of had this planned all along and just aren't telling me.
I feel uncomfortable because I'm not being able to make our home...well, our home...because we have a "room mate" who is making herself more than a room mate...she's making herself the alpha female when that's not her role.
I'm irritated because I go out grocery shopping for my boyfriend and I with our weekly allowance and come home to all of our food being eaten and not replaced.
I'm irritated because my ideals of this move was going to be that my boyfriend and I were starting a new great life together and the independence I'm looking for, well, we're not being given.

I almost feel like his mother had this planned from the beginning. She's getting this free ride and living in a great house for only $200 a month and is taking advantage of me, my boyfriend and our relationship. This is causing major issues between my boyfriend and I because honestly, I don't want her there. It's our life...not hers. I understand she needs the help but, what help are we being if we enable her not to move on with her life?

My boyfriend's mother is 58, she works a part-time job (2 or 3 days a week for only 5 hours at a time) and hasn't put forth any effort to do any more than that. Her entire marriage, she didn't work, she stayed home and took care of her children and did the housewife thing. My boyfriend is 32 and is completely okay with his mother taking over my role in our relationship. He's okay with her stepping on my toes and kind of pushing me aside...and I'm not okay with that.

I'm with my boyfriend because I love him...because I want to nurture him and our relationship and because I want to have a life with him...not him and his mother. I want to be able to have a nursery one day and a guest room and a life of my own...not a life that I have to technically support someone who is more than able to support themselves.

It's almost like she's setting herself up for failure. She told her husband to take any and everything he wanted, isn't seeking spousal support...isn't seeking any monetary support...except the 30k she'll receive from the selling of the house.

Help. My relationship is coming to an end because I don't know how to cope with this.
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First Helper Bustapa1
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replied November 16th, 2010
Community Volunteer
Hi Lostintransaction and welcome to ehealth: With your boyfriend accepting this situation it can make for some troubled times ahead...Now add to this two women living under the same roof and it is not a healthy situation...It's one that I would not have...

The one sad thing about this mess is that Mothers can sometimes sway their sons and make themselves look innocent...Good luck and I hope everything works out...Take care..

Caroline
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replied August 5th, 2011
she is the alpha now
Im in the same situation, only its been 6 months. My boyfreidna nd I had a very good relationship. We were happy. he has no children yet he was divorced. I have 3 children and also divorced. originally my oldest son was liivng with us age 19. he wasnt following rules and didnt respect the house , so I ultimately did what I thought I would never do..I gave my son an ultimatem per the boyfriends request . I told my son if you dont follow ules, you will need to move out. And he did, he moved out. Shortly after about 6 months afetr this event, we found that his mother was losing her home becaue her daughter , failed to make payments on the mortgage and had entered the house into a foreclosure. Her daughter was living with her along with her 3 kids and her husband. Eventually at the beginning of the new year, my boyfriend broke the news to me that his mother would need to live with us temporarily. 6 months he said. I didnt want to be a rotten griend so I said well okay, I understand she lost her home she needs to get back on her feet, so okay. I didnt approve of having her doors. I didnt want that I never accepted that. She moved in Feb 2011 along with her dog that wasnt house broken. Every day I dread living iibn my house. I no longer feel like it my house anymore. most of the time, I stay in my room if im not at work. she does not work and doesnt contribute to anything, bills, food, rent nothing. she may wash her dish ocassionaly. My children are feeling the strain there is in the house. Im ready to move out , I dont know why Ive put up with this nonsense.
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replied April 23rd, 2012
I'm going thru the same thing too. Only....I just found out that I'm pregnant with his child. Try being pregnant and having to deal with all that. I feel like I'm making him choose between his mother and his family. But I told him that there is not only one relationship on the line but there are now going to be 3!! The thing that is sad is a MOTHER should never expect that of there children, especially when her child is trying to figure out a life and relationship of their own. I sometimes wonder if I'm in a competition with the lady... and I won't stand there and take it... I've straight up said she goes or I will. Because I won't have a big fight on my hands or feel like I need to be compared to the woman.
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replied January 30th, 2013
Please help yourself
Anybody who is reading this that is in a similar situation listen carefully. GET OUT. I was in the same place, we lived with his mother, she was unbearable, insulting in a passive agressive way, needy, demanding; an all around awful person. No man or relationship is worth that. Get out while you can, your life will improve a thousand fold. Be strong, do not doubt yourself. You know what is right. You are in someone else's environment, and it is not always easy to see clearly. It is important to stay focused and on track with getting the hell out of there and start to live for yourself.
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replied February 17th, 2013
I am in the same boat.. And I am 5 months pregnant.. My boyfriends mother seems to have all these plans for us when the baby comes and says she is going to move right up the road. I am not comfortable with this. Especially when my own mother lives over an hour away.. The worst part about my situation is his mothers boyfriend is also staying with us. And he is a complete nightmare.. He's a creep, he thinks he's the man of the house, he's very feminine and he owns a cat as a pet if that doesn't say enough.. All he does is play his video games all day long in the living room and he has even got my boyfriend into them as well. I have made it apparent to my boyfriend plenty of times that I hate our living arrangements.. He acknowledges and sometimes agrees but it's gotten to the point where I am complaining about something new everyday. I know it is taking a toll on him as well as it is me and I know I'm not helping the situation by complaining so much but I can't take much more before I explode on them!
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replied March 30th, 2013
boyfriends mom living with us
I feel for you honey. My boyfriends mom moved in with us after she and her boyfriend broke up. Since the house they shared was his she had nowhere to go so at the time I had no problem with her moving in due to the circumstances. She offered to help with bills in the begining but I declined because I figured it would be tempory living situation. 8 months later and shes still here. I forgot to mention she has a good paying job so money is not the reason shes hasnt left yet, its the fear of her being alone. Okay i do understand this but on the other hand I am slowly but surely losing the little bit of sanity i have left. Not having a normal sex life with him is affecting our relationship everday. Im irritable,depressed, and having psnic attacks because of this. I told frank he needs to tell his mom its time to get a place on her own. How much longer can a 53 year old woman live with his 28 year old son and girlfriend!!!???
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replied April 18th, 2013
Coming from a guy who lives with their Mother, it is hard to say get out when they kind have been the support person throughout your entire life. My situation is that my Father passed away and now my Mother, who by the way had a very hard life growing up in a foreign country with no family because they were killed, only has her immediate family. Again, coming from a guy, it is hard to totally abandon your Mother. I am having a rocky marriage for almost 2 years now. My wife hates my Mother and wants to move out. I told her before marriage that this would be the situation and she accepted. I understand what you all are saying. You want to be their for your Man, care for him, and create a relationship of your own without interference. I get it, but lets reverse the roles for a moment. What would you do if your Mom was alone and had no place to go? Would you help out where you can and call it a day or really be there for her and care for her like she did at one point in your life? Perhaps a family meeting to help create a more stable living arrangement might help with the situation? I don't know.........
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replied September 11th, 2013
Iastry4, I get it. It is hard to just walk away from a situation with someone you care about...but marriage is a very delicate institution. Sorry... no dice. How about her? Did she have to live with her inlaws when she got married to your father? Makes you think a little, no? Plus women are territorial with their home...your wife is the lady of the house and may feel that she is not in first place as the lady there... not fair. No disrespect meant to you or your mother...just try to understand the woman's side of it. Marriage is an institution for two...only.
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replied April 19th, 2013
I suggest you talk with your boyfriend about this, tell him this isn't normal and it's not even healthy. Discuss with him before rushing into anything that can end your relationship.

I wish you the best!
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replied September 11th, 2013
My boyfriend said he want his mother to live with us...
I am having the same issue. We booked a venue for our wedding and he has mentioned to me that he wants her to live with us in a mother/daughter house where his mother will be off to the side. I don't like this at all... she is a widow too... One year there was a storm and she lost power, water, cable, heat, etc... and she stayed with us for two weeks. I couldn't wait for her to leave though I didn't show anything. He says that if she gets sick he's going to have to bring her to live with us. I am panicking!!!
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replied September 11th, 2013
I am having the same issue. We booked a venue for our wedding and he has mentioned to me that he wants her to live with us in a mother/daughter house where his mother will be off to the side. I don't like this at all... she is a widow too... One year there was a storm and she lost power, water, cable, heat, etc... and she stayed with us for two weeks. I couldn't wait for her to leave though I didn't show anything. He says that if she gets sick he's going to have to bring her to live with us. I am panicking!!!
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replied October 21st, 2013
HIS MOTHER LIVES WITH US TOO
I'm going through the same thing! His mother moved into his house 10 months ago. It's hell! She literally races me to the kitchen every morning to make breakfast and dinner FOR HER SON. If I beat her to the kitchen, she sits at the dining room table and watches me while I'm cooking. She hates that I walk around the house barefoot- Especially in the kitchen, but I've been doing that before she ever moved into the house... She bought me not one, but tow pair of slippers! I deliberately walk around barefoot because I refuse to give in! She butts into our discussions and leaves her room door cracked so that she can eaves drop on our conversations, discussions, disagreements and probably listens in on our making love.... He wants to get engaged- and wants me to give up my house to fully live in his. I cannot do that under those circumstances. I really want her to LEAVE. He has 4 sisters- only 1 married, why can's she choose one of his single sisters to live with? Why him? why us?
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Users who thank JerseyGirlqt for this post: brittanyk 

replied February 25th, 2014
i feel your pain!!!
Hi, I just wanted to say I feel your pain! I am currently in the exact situation you were/ are. My bf isn't ok with her here anymore but doesn't know how to tell her to leave. We have 2 kids one of which is her first grandchild, she has nothing to do with her nor does she bother to lift a finger to help out with anything. I cant shower when shes home because she will turn the water on in the other bathroom or flush toilet even though she knows Im in there. She has also done it to my 4 yr old. How do you kick the woman out that cared for you, that brought you into the world? I don't feel its my place to tell her to go, if it was my mom she would've been told already but my bf is between a rock and a hard place, I even told him if she doesn't go the kids and I will.
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replied March 10th, 2014
Hi everyone. I was in this situation for 2.5 years and finally got out and am glad that it is over. My situation is alil different. My ex already bought a house with his mom before I met him and I originally thought it was okay to forever live with his mom because she was being nice and doesn't really bother us. 1 year into our relationship she started intruding and coming out with us to outings without us inviting her. She would tag along to dinners/shopping/even asked to come with us to trips. I had no place to stand in his house, I didn't even have the right to change a sponge when i was doing the dishes. She comes into our bedroom to shower everyday when she has her own bathroom. She would put my toothbrush all over the places, she put his ex's combs and makeups into my cabinet. She puts my toothbrush into the guest cup. She is all over us. My boyfriend was okay with her behavior and i was totally not okay with it. We argued alot and finally he broke up with me with a lame excuse. I'm glad the relationship is over tho. I know deep in my heart that I'd not be happy living with them in that house in the next 20-30 -40 years. I'm not even married to him yet and she is already showing me she is the boss. I cannot imagine what could happen after the marriage. If you are not married and have no kids, I'd advice you to leave immediately or you would be miserable all your life trying to fight for your own freedom and privacy with her son.
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