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Mother hates my boyfriend and won't listen to me

This is a pretty long story so please bare with me. I am currently 19 years old and am attending my first year of college. I want to make sure that it is understood that my mother is very caring and has made her children her life. She has done so much for me and I love her. However, our relationship started to slide when I started high school due to my wanting to try to "make my own decisions". She has always been very protective of me and therefore did not always allow me to do some of the things that I wanted to. She had to keep track of all of my facebook passwords, e-mail passwords, etc...so she could keep track of who I was talking to and what I was saying. I, of course, didn't agree with this but I was in high school and was under her rules.
During my senior year I met a boy that I really fell for. At first my mom was okay with it but she soon got onto my facebook to "stalk" his profile. She didn't like the music he listened to, she saw it as dark and thought it spoke about death and wanting to commit suicide but in reality the biggest genre of music that he listens to is Christian Rock. My mom would hear one part of a song and would automatically assume it was bad. This is when she started to dislike him but she still let me see him on weekends. She did start to have talks with me about going to college Without a boyfriend so I would be able to figure out who I am. I agree that your college years is the time to figure out who you are but I wanted to do it under my terms. She wanted me to break up with him after I graduated high school and I agreed simply to avoid and argument but really didn’t intend to do so.
I, unfortunately, found out that I was pregnant right after I graduated. Of course, my parents freaked out (understandably) but they wanted me to have an abortion. There is no way that I could have had an abortion so I told them I wanted to keep it. They then told me that they would only help me financially and give me emotional support if I promised not to have anything to do with my boyfriend except for his limited visitation rights to the child. I also refused to do this. I viewed this as my own decision to make and wanted the father of my child to be in my life as well as the child’s. Well my parents stuck to their word and long story short I ended up living with my boyfriend over the summer. I tried to keep contact with them because I wanted to go home and have their support. A couple weeks later thought, I found out that I had had a miscarriage most likely due to all of the stress I was under. I told my parents this but still didn’t return home because I was scared that they were going to again force me to have nothing to do with my boyfriend and go to the college of their choice. So I stayed with my boyfriend and am now at college with him. My parents will not allow me to return home until I promise not to have anything to do with my boyfriend or his family. I don’t think there should be stipulations on when I can return home. I feel like they should love me enough to just let me come home. But they feel as though I chose my boyfriend over them but I don’t think of it that way. I didn’t go home because I wanted to choose where I wanted to go to college and who I wanted to date. Going home, I would lose my voice in my own life affairs and return to doing whatever my parents want me to do again.
I need advice on what I should do. Should I just give up and go home? I truly miss my parents and want to go home SO bad but I just feel as if they’ve deserted me. They will refuse to believe me when I tell them that my boyfriend is a good person. They think that “the devil is at work” in his family and refuse to have anything to do with them. They think that his family has manipulated me into turning my back of my family but all they did was help me. I can’t get through to them that Tyler (my boyfriend) is not like that and I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated! Thanks for hearing me out!


P.S. I know that my mom is just worried about my future and wants what is best for me. But there is no way that I will learn things for myself if she keeps protecting me. I really do love my mom.
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First Helper maybemaybe
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replied March 12th, 2010
Anyone have any advice or anything to say about it?
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replied March 17th, 2010
i am currently going thru tha same thing...i was pregnant once before && lost that baby....the father left me but we ended up getting back 2gether...2 months after that, we found out i was pregnant again on my 19th bday...my first pregnancy everyone including my mom was excited...my 2nd one didnt go that well...the day i told my mom i was pregnant again she kicked me out...i ended up living wit the father but it ended up being too much 4 us to handle && we broke up again...i can understand y my mom has so much anger 2wards him due to tha fact that he's hurt me alot...but now he wants to make it work...i am currently 5 months pregnant && i would love 4 him to be there...my mom, however, has other plans...it is hard to choose between ya mom && a person your in love with bc u dnt wanna feel like you defying ya mom...but in the end....it is your life, && it is a decision you have to make...my mom was very over-protective && i felt like if she guided me the whole way i couldnt make mistakes to learn from...so u have to figure out wats best 4 u in the long run
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replied March 18th, 2010
Thank you so much! That really helped me a lot! I really hope things work out for you! I understand what you mean when you say you don't want to defy your mom because that's what I'm feeling right now. I love my mom and my family but I do want to make my own decisions because it is my life. They feel like I'm choosing my boyfriend over them but I don't see it that way. I want to go home so badly but they won't let me until I have nothing to do with my boyfriend and I don't think that's fair. So in my opinion, they are the ones keeping me away. And you're right, at some point we have to make our own mistakes so we can learn from them...otherwise we will be lost. Thanks for taking the time to answer. I haven't told anyone and haven't taken a HPT yet but I am a little worried that I might be pregnant again so I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks for the advice and I really hope things work out for you! Congrats on the pregnancy!
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replied March 21st, 2010
NO problem....i spent yesterday with him && my mom got sooooo mad...she took the whole family out while i was out..&& so i asked her to bring me something to eat home since they didnt cook...she told me no && ask my "baby daddyb && she really didnt...i ended up eatting sausages that made me sick. i feel like she is being very childish.


When I left my bf house, due to the fact that there was tension between our parents his mom felt it was best if we didnt talk...but i 4gave his mom bc he wanted to make it work like i did...&& tried to talk to my mom about the situation bc i felt like she respected me more bc i didnt take the ez way out && get rid of it...so i felt like she would respect me more if i sat down && tried to talk to her woman to woman...that got no where...but i realized my child is bigger than all of us && i cant stress.


apparently ya parents felt u were old enuff to be put out so they should feel the same way wen its time to have a heart to heart. Try to tell them how u feel...if it doesnt work..then u need to focus on u && urs...

Gud luck && thank you (Its a boy)
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replied June 1st, 2010
i am 16 years old and am in love with a 21 year old guy, who i have been with for a year and a half, i love him so much and he is my world, although my parents wont let me be with him , , , all this time i have been seeing him in secret and it is getting too much . . please helpx
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replied September 19th, 2013
Experienced User
Honey, what you're doing is illegal. You really don't need to be doing the things you're doing. Yes you're in "love" but what you are doing is just illegal. Sneaking out is basically running away. You're parents are going to find out even of you think they won't. I was you're age once but never acted that way. Are you guys sexually active? If you are that's rape. You're still a minor and he's a legal adult. Please listen to me, he's going hurt you soon enough. Stop getting yourself interested in that MAN. Your parents are keeping you from seeing him because of his age!
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replied January 16th, 2011
For I'm Pregnant and living with my boyfriend, at his college.
Ladies, take my advice here.

Parents have much more in life to weigh out and dramas to deal with than anyone can imagine, try to put yourselves in their shoes, they know you better than anyone else and really do care about your more than anyone else. Lieing to anyone shows disrespect for that relationship, even if it is just your parents and your lieing is important to you because you need to protect that incredibly wonderful perfect boyfriend who cares so much about you, so much that he knocked you up at the age of 18. Also do your friends like it when you lie to them? Probably not, and parents see it the same way, that you do not care about them or what they think, when you lie. Parents are people to with feelings.

Reality here, as hard as it is to accept, your parents have learned from experience, they do know more than you do, and what they want for you is what's best for you, your boyfriend and probably others are influencing you in a different direction that is not in your best interest. To some degree the boyfriend, his friends and/or family know that, but they sugar coat everything for you because they want you around because you have something to offer that family/friends, as well as the boyfriend, it could be money, if you have any money at all or your family does. It could also just be as simple as having your around because they know down the road you'd be willing to do whatever they ask, but in the end the boyfriend, his family and his friends do not care about your best interest, they only care about their own.

Also getting pregnant and bringing a child into this world before you have learned about the world, is a terrible thing to do to that child, and you will force your mistakes onto that child and they will repeat them in their lives. At least think of that before you get pregnant again.

And for the controlling mom. She might be controlling some things in your life, but you ended up at someone elses college of choice anyway, not your choice, as well as pregnant, that means you are not making your own decisions anyway, the boy is making them for you, he could at least have made the choice to use protection so you didn't get pregnant, but he didn't did he. And you might not be aware of this, but getting women pregnant is a historical way of controlling women. Your mother was only trying to get you off to a good start in life and strong enough to make your own decisions, without the burden of a controlling boyfriend as well as a child. I'll bet he has some family behind him encouraging your relationship because you have something they want in that family, money probably. And before you think, my parents have no money, you are wrong. Even borrowed money these days is a fortune to those who can't borrow it at all.

All parents have to draw a line eventually and that is what you have forced your parents to do. When children become legal adults, but make poor decisions that affect the entire family, parents must draw these lines in order to protect themselves and the remaining family members. For example if one family is middle class, and the daughter gets tied up with a problem guy and his problem family...if your mother or father were to give you money to help you in your new life with this problem guy and his family who are around all the time, as well as things for your new home in this new life, what do you think would happen? Let me tell you; Your boyfriend and his family would one way or another get you to pay their way and be borrowing your things all the time. You're entire life will be like that, not to mention all the kids he'll make sure you're tied down with. Basically whatever your parents do for either one of you at this point, goes to the other family, not you, and they know that, so they've drawn the line and rightly so. My advice to both of you is to get out of these relationships and go back to your parents, let them help you and do what they say, you'll be much happier in the end.
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replied January 23rd, 2012
I'm 14 and my boyfriends only a few months younger than me....I love him to death.....but my mom hates him...and were moving out of our apartments... and I wanna tell my mom about him but I'm scared she's gunna tell me I cnt see him....plz help.......my babes so great I dnt wanna lose him
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replied June 27th, 2012
In response to maybemaybe's post....I agree with you. I'm in a relationship right now...just as you describe...with a guy from a rough background. My parents disapprove. He is wonderful to me and my son, and works hard. He has many good qualities....however, the fact that he has a job, a vehicle, food, or even that he is not currently in jail....is due 100% to me helping him out. Many people (parents included) have said, "open your eyes...he is using you"....but I am struggling with seeing that. On some level, I'm aware that it could be true....but then again, he is really wonderful to me. I'm also not a teenager....I'm in my late 30s. I'm just really having trouble figuring out what to do. I've been through a terrible divorce...and just want a simple, happy family life. I have a great career, and have a terrific education. This person makes me happy...but I am conflicted about my feelings for him....and the 'guilt trip' that my parents and certain friends are placing on me regarding my involvement with him.
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replied July 30th, 2012
Experienced User
one thing is for sure that moms love their children.it is just that every mom has a different style and attitude towards the children. u have to understand that particular way and treat her accordingly. m hopeful that she will be convinced and accept ur b.f
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replied September 19th, 2013
Unaccepting mother
I am currently 16 years old . My boyfriend is 19 . My mom disapproves of him to the maximum level . She even says that when she sees him shes going to kill him . When my bf and mom first met she loved him to death . His grandparents left for a few days so he ended up staying with us , well that few days turned into a month (With my mothers approval) , until she kicked him out because he got jumped while riding my brothers bike and they took the bike . He has a little criminal background from when he was younger , beenn in jail and is on probation now . People change and he came from a very rough past life . He has a job now , he goes to his PO when needed , he's getting his GED . My mom HATES him and turned my whole family agaisnt him . I am still dating him because I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!! I really do . I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years and didnt feel this way . Hes simply amazing !!! I plan on staying with him until death do us part . Whether my mom agrees or not . I know that sounds terrible , but thats how deeply in love with him I am . And shes pushing me away by not accepting him . My little brother and sister adore him <3 My mom is also mad because i put money on his books while he was in jail . She flipped on me . But yet she did tthe same for her boyfriend . and he did the same for her . She doesnt believe he'll pay me back and honestly i dont care if he does or not. Because when i need something i know he'll get it for me. Simple as that . We are happy together its just the stress of my family pushing me away thats getting to me . I just want them to accept him . Thats all .. Pls help .. how should i approach my Mom
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