Medical Questions > Relationships > Family Relationships Forum

Mother/daughter issues

I have recently moved away from my parents to another state with my boyfriend. I am a 23 yr old college grad with a full time job. I am an only chil and the move has been difficult on my mother. I knew it would be from the beginning, but i really felt the move was right. I have been away for about 8 months and I am currently so happy! this has been the best thing for me, and for my relationship with my boyfriend. I am looking forward to getting married and starting a family sometime in the future. My mom has her good days and bad. But when they are bad they are awful! I know she misses me so i do believe I go above and beyond to stay in contact with her. We have made a few trips back to my hometown and i call her probably 3 times a day. And still at times she is so angry with me and gets this attitude. She recently flipped out me for no reason and hung up on me. I called her back a few days later and she was still mad. My thing is niether my mom or dad RARELY ever call me. i feel like i am the one always trying... but my efforts are never good enuough in my moms eyes. I mean sometimes I dont have anything to say on the phone.. ya know. I mean my day is the same as yesterday so i call her and dont know what to say. But i know if i dont call her she will take offense and get mad. To give you some background info.. i am an only child. My mother had an AWFUL childhood and left the house when she was 16. she really doesnt speak to anyone in her family, and i have met her parents, my grandparents once when i was like 4. My dads parents disliked my mom and they never had anything to do with her. that set of grandparents and family were never really around me either. So my mom and dad are really the only family i have known. I am struggling because she is always so mad. nothing is ever good enough and it is starting to push me away. She hates to hear if my boyfriend and I do something with his family. so i try not to talk about that. I just dont know how to handle it. It has always been her way or no way type of deal in our house. I was the perfect highschool student/athlete. did EVRYTHING she has ever wanted me to do because i was afraid to dissapoint her and afraid of her wrath to be honest.
I feel guilty in a way because i am so happy with my current life. She is so negative i feel like i should be negative as well. My dad kinda stays out of it. and then she tries to make me feel guilty at times saying "you never call your dad". but the phone works two ways! he NEVER calls me. why is it my fault all the time? i didnt even tell her i got a dog for the longest time because i was afraid she would get mad and yell and tell me how stupid of an idea that was. I am two states away, 23, paying my bills, and have yet to ask my mom for a single penny. I am a responsible adult!

What do i do!? how do i handle my mom? i feel like i can never truly make her happy unless i am living under her roof again, and still then there would be something i did/didnt do to upset her.
Did you find this post helpful?
|

User Profile
replied May 11th, 2009
Supporter
i am glad you are happy! save your money to make sure you would never have to go back home again.
you are an adult!
i m 32 y.o and i call my mom everyday,she's in a bad relationship right now so she dont call me as much (stress) and i get mad.

but it sounds like your mom is very controlling.
i dont know anyone on my dad side of the family, and i dont like anyone on my mom side of the family, and my son and i moved to the sunshine state by ourselves.
but if she acts like that you have to tell her how you feel, or dont call her as much and tell her your busy.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 12th, 2009
frustrated!
Thanks for responding. Its nice to know im not the only one with problems like this. I hate to like cut my mom and dada off seeing how i never see them and im the only child they have but it feels like they are driving me to do so. My dad never calls me and no matter how many times i call my mom there is always a problem. They have done a lot for me, and I appreciate everything. but there comes a point in time to realize im an adult and i have made a decision to move. Why cant she understand that its nothing against my parents. Its very frustrating.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 23rd, 2010
I feel for you...I moved away when I was 21, My parents seemed proud of me for being independent at the time, when I had my first baby, we moved back to our hometown, thinking that was the right thing to do. We were treated like second class people, my brother was and continues to be the royalty...we finally had a job opp to move out of state again...In doing this I believe we saved our marriage and added many more happy moments to our kids lives...I am 47 years old and have only missed one Christmas at my parents home...ONE~~~ When I get there all I hear about is my brother and his kids, they do nothing with my kids, I have visited and visited to keep my kids and my parents happy...I feel like a delivery service....This past Christmas was the end...We got up and left early...I was told I was a failure of their parenting, and my kids were horrible..Which they are not, they are in college, varsity sports, and get good grades and are well behaved....They hold such a jealousy type thing against me...I feel they should be proud of my family, they always say they raised their kids to be independant, So here I am INDEPENDENT....but, instead they coddle my brother who basically lives at their house, there is so much more to this...Big unequalities of treatment of grandkids, When I said, you know, I have given up my immediate families holiday traditions to come home and be part of their traditions(out of respect for my parents) They said that is Your Choice....we packed our stuff and left....I have no intention of visiting again, I have put up with my kids being mistreated for 21 years, and always thought it wasn;t physically abusive or anything, but, it is mentally abusive when they were always treated inferior, my kids are older now and see the difference in treatment...and they understand my choice of not going back to visit...I always wanted them to make that decision, instead of me making it for them....I hope I have made the right decision...It is an unhealthy relationship for my kids, my husband and me...I told my kids it is a learning experience, and do not let people use you or treat you in any way that you should not be treated....
|
Did you find this post helpful?
Users who thank cgh555 for this post: QueenEleanor1 

replied May 10th, 2010
UNHEALTHY ATTITUDES TOWARD PARENTS
If there was a perfect way to Parent there wouldn''t be a million + books on the subject. I am an emotionally abused parent being told that I did not turn out to be the mother that my daughter wants a relationship with. Well guess what?????? My mother didn''t turn out to be the kind of mother I would love to have a relationship with either....but she is my only Mother. I treat her with respect, recognizing that she probably didn''t get the kind of mother she wanted either. You all sound like a bunch of spoiled snots. Get over it!!!!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied August 27th, 2010
Reply
@unspoiled1

Evil begets evil. It's like in college fraternities, the people who get a hazing will continue the tradition on new students, and then they will do it in their turn, and it just goes on and on.
I think we are taking a vital step towards resolving not only personal but eventually global problems that stem from childhood mistreatment. A happy person doesn't commit suicide or go on killing rampages.
Recognizing how we feel and discovering why we act, feel and behave the way we do can only lead to us becoming more aware of ourselves, and can then act in a different way compared to how our parents or whoever has mistreated us, towards our children and other perople. Isn't the point of evolution to make it easier for the next generation to survive? How can we exclude the emotional evolution? Or rather, how can we still exclude that?
Humans have made great advances with technology which makes it easier and easier for our physical bodies to survive. Granted, there are still numerous diseases like AIDS or cancer that have no cure, but the human minds is equal if not even more fragile than our bodies, and matters just as much. It is funny that we can now alter our physical appearance through plastic surgery to strengthen our self confidence, and not treat the cause for the need to boost our self confidence.
Imagine if Hitler had gotten a little more love in his life. Or if the Columbine shooters hadn't been bullied.
I have a friend whose father was either absent, drunk and/or abusive. She didn't get his love, no matter how hard she tried. The need for appreciation and attention from a father figure has driven her to sleep with men as old as 50 when she was 16.
We can mend a broken bone, but have a real hard time to heal a broken mind.
It is time that psychology catches up, and that people stop the kind of medeival thinking that leads to them saying things like "get over it". Minds matter.

@gatorgirlsrock

Stop calling. The power your mother has over you is icapacitating. She actually has you thinking it's your fault if she gets mad at you! Well, it isn't!
Cut all ties for a while, write down all the things you think are wrong and how they made you feel. And when you have the courage, tell her. If she doens't appologize and change her ways (maybe not directly, but over time), then cut all ties again.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied April 26th, 2013
Prom Probs
i lied to my mom and told her i was going to wear a dress, but i didn't. same with the shoes. she found out, and asked me about it, and i lied to her about the shoes, not knowing she knew about the dress. we got in a huge fight and i got grounded. the whole time it has been eating me up, and she asked 3 days later what i wore, and i lied again. it got even worse. she asked me what i was doing on her electronic device, and i told her another lie. this is all in the span of 15 mins. she realized, she doesn't want me in the house anymore or want to talk to me. and tells me to stay away from her. she calls my dad and they are threatening to send me away. i don't know what to do. She wont talk to me or anything, and i am alone. i really need help. Thanks
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied May 7th, 2013
I had this problem with my mother when I moved away to study. I work in healthcare and read some research saying that when people are dying lots of them regret living their lives according to other people. This made me realise that I can't live my life how my mother wants because it will only end up as my regret. It was hard but I stood my ground and continued my studies away. My tutors advised me to see a counsellor to talk about how my mother as impacting on me - this may be an idea for you if you feel like it is too much. I would also suggest not calling her so often.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied August 23rd, 2013
I totally regret that I moved back to my home country. My mum makes me walk on tip toes 24/7.
Everything I do, she either has to tell me off, lecture me or look at me with disapointment. It is really absurd. She only aproves when I do exactly what she wants. Be it how to cook food or making regular choices in life. Im 27. So automatically I just completly stop giving a hoot and does exactly what she wants me to do. But then she can sense that im distancing myself, obviously, because Im not acting like myself and gets all "you never enjoy spending time with me".
When we are sitting around the dining table, she is only happy or talkative when she decides the subject. When me or my dad starts talking, she turns away her head and looks angry. She even sends hatefull eyes. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I don't know what her problem is. The times I have tried to communicate these things to her, she blaimes me for being meen and hurtfull, and tells me im just like my dad. She even said once, after I had to tell her off for being so unfair, that she had really looked forward to me returning home, but now she was really disapointed because im always so evil to her. I tell her that I have my own opinions and that I wont chose sides. Most times I do lean towards my dad's opinions, but thats because they are more like mine. It is not because I want to team up against her. But she can't see it. She wont listen. She only gets hurt and ignores me for the rest of the day. She is always trying to be a victim. Always wanting to misunderstand, even though it is crystal clear that it cant be misunderstood. An example: "too much salt consumption ties fluid to the body" and she hears "she is saying that im fat, she is telling me that my food choices are wrong, she always have to pick on me" .
And it is always like that. You have to be so carefull of what you say. I have to toss and turn stuff in my head before I speak it. Even if my dad says something, and she misunderstands, I have to come up with an excuse to what he ment. Just so I can prevent her from making a scene and make the day unbareable for myself.
When my brother is visiting she always tries to win him over to her side. She makes him tell me off and tells him stuff about "dad said this, dad did that". But when my brother is not here, she constantly complains about him and tries to make me agree with her. She plays everyone up against eachother and makes it so akward to be a family. She once told me that she was scared of the day my brother and I would move out, because then she had nothing left to live for. She would have to divorce dad and leave.
Why would you put this fear into your childrens head? Make us feel guilty for a future divorce? She also told me, that she was scared dad was depressed and that he would kill himself with the airgun he has lying around to shoot pigons. I was only 17 when she told me and the pictures that she put in my head are still hunting me today, 10 years after, and makes me super anxious. Why would she do that? I dont know if she also told my brother?
It is like she has a controled madness. She is very clever and knows how to act. Manipulative, might be a good way to describe it. She knows how to observe, but not say a word. And when you lees expect it she uses it against you. She hides agressions but she does never forget them. One day, out of the blue, she will bring something up from long ago, and you get so surprised that it was even a problem because she never confrontred you in the first place. And then you have forgotten half the story and cant argue against her. You can only try but it ends out pretty ugly with her crying and telling you how evil you are..
I think I have given up. The last couple of times she has tried to start a fight or act like a victim, I have just walked away without speaking to her. I can't do it. I can't give her the satisfaction of feeling asulted and unloved. I can't stand listening to her pittying herself. She always tells stories from when she was a kid and how evil her mum was to her, and how much the teachers hated her. The blaim she took for her sisters. Etc.
But I feel very sad about that we may never sort out this relationship, that makes it so hard for us to function like a normal family. A mum/daughter relationship. I can't even be alone with her, that is how much she has turned me against her.
I have seen a therapist about this before, but at the time we concluded I shouldn't involve her in my progression. I should just distance myself. Which was pretty easy at the time because I lived in Australia for 5 years. We communicated on skype 1-2 times a week. A part of me moved back because of the guilt of being away. But now that I am back home, i am fearing it will escalade.
Can anybody give me some advice please? I dont know how to go about this.

Thank you for listening.
Xo
|
Did you find this post helpful?