Congratulations for experiencing pure happiness, even if it were only for a little bit. Many people aren't fortunate enough to experience that, so cherish it!

I am really sorry that you are unable to reach that point again so far. Maybe you are thinking about it too much? If you get your mind off of trying to be happy and longing for it, it might just naturally fall into place. I bet you can get there again someday.

Huge hugs to you. I know how hard it must be having a taste of what its like and losing it. It's like licking one finger of icing off of a cake and never getting to taste the rest of it.

I am praying that you are able to experience true happiness once more.

Bp meds are not a magic wand. It is my opinion that there still well be hills and valleys for us. Maybe not quite as often. I have mine too, although very seldom. The meds will help eleveate most of you symptoms but, there still is the normal human side of you that will come out now and then. I too hope you are able to reach that wonderful feeling of the wall coming down in front of you. It is truly a wonderful feeling.

~Carrie~

Thanks guys...I appreciate the fact that there will still be lows and highs but at least, there is a major difference between "mental illness low & high" and "Normal low & high"..., I really appreciate the support, especially in the face of insensitive family members...

This morning my mom has utterly destroyed everything I have worked so hard to achieve this week in terms of my mental well being...through just a couple of careless words...I am utterly broken right now and finding it terribly difficult not to break out into tears at work.

I am so low...and feeling so lonely...My heart is absolutely broken into a million pieces. My mom and dad are the ONLY people I have in this world...and now... Why do they have to be so DAMNED insensitive...why do they ALWAYS try to find SOME way of blaming everything on me. If it wasn't for this forum and/or the fact that I could phone up my shrink... On my way to work, I was literally so close to turning my car around, racing home and just swallowing every single pill I could get a hold of.

But this will pass too...and I will just have to start again...

I don't think they understand. When there is something wrong with a child, a parent panics and usually doesn't know how to react. They want everything to seem perfect and normal and everything to be great and once that perfect image they had for their children is skewed, sometimes parents don't know how else to act.

Sometimes parents hold inner anger because they believe its their fault that their child is depressed, and unfortunately, they take it out on the child. It shouldn't be that way since you are fragile and depressed, but its the unfortunate truth sometimes.

Have you talked to them about how they are making you feel when they say things to you? Sometimes talking to them can be of a lot of help. Often parents don't even realize that they are going harm.

I know its hard, but you have to hang in there. You aren't alone. Even if you feel lonely, you are not alone. We are all here for you, your shrink is here for you, and even though it may not seem like it all the time your parents care for you and are here for you too. You will get through this. Be strong, and keep working towards your goal of happiness. There will be tons of ups and tons of downs, but hopefully over time they will start to even out and things will start to look a bit better as the days go by. Hugs

Hanging in there...and thanks for being there...even just to listen to the venting.

In an emotional state, it gets even harder to think clearly and stay calm. I should know better by now... My mom does tend to do it...when a problem arrises, she is supportive for the first cpl of hours and then all of a sudden, she would turn around and have a total change of mind/opinion to the situation with no sympathy what-so-ever (Sounds familiar...?...apple doesn't fall too far does it ). She was apparently on medication when we were kids and dropped it...so I suppose it shouldn't be all that surprising...

At any rate, confronting her is NEVER a good idea...not because of her, but because of my dad. My dad knows when me and my mom had a falling out or when I had discussed things such as you suggested...and he would immediately start "attacking" me verbally ... even as a child ... for making her feel sad/bad (Mind you, two years ago we did almost exchange fists). As kids, disciplining was never about "having done the wrong thing" but more a case of having upset our mother.

He would treat me like a total outsider who is trying to hurt his wife...like I don't even belong...even as a child. His excuse was always that she is a woman and as such are very fragile and easily hurt and even though she is wrong, she should not be told so... I guess, in a way, it is because he didn't want her to get depressed...and doesn't realise how much I struggle with the same ailment...if not worst...

But like you say, I do know that they care and do love me...even if it seems a bit weird and misplaced...

Some parents have a pretty warped way of showing love. I'm sorry that they aren't more supportive, but its great that you at least know that they do love you.

Do you have any friends or other family members you can go to for support?

Not really...

My sister has always been stand-offish towards me and only calls on me when she needs someone to house-sit for her. My one "friend" is basically the same story...him and/or his sister only calls on me when they need someone to look after their house.

I guess I keep on falling into the trap because my sister, my friend and his sister all have four dogs each whom I love to bits...

Other than that...no one...

The psychiatrist has pointed out that I do have social-anxiety/disorder that I don't admit to...that might be part of why I don't have a lot of friends...otherwise, I have just usually thaught of my self as being very shy. Even in terms of finding someone to love...

I'm the same way socially. I was always really shy growing up and found it hard to make/keep friends. It's pretty hard to get out of that funk (I'm still half stuck in it).

Do you personally have any pets? I know you love your sister and friends dogs, so maybe having one of your own will help you out some and make you happier

It is very hard when you do not have a supportive and understanding family or surrounings. It makes it very hard to control the disorder and keep it under control. That why I said a pill can not do everything. You have to recognize those "triggers". I know at a younger age you just can't leave the house. My only suggestion would be to just go to your room when you feel overwhelmed with them or just block it out.
I think the idea of a pet is a very good one. For some reason they bring along with them love and understanding and sympathy. Why do you think the humaine society brings animals to nursing homes etc...they bring a smile with them every time.

~Carrie~

Well, I am doing much better after the weekend...I'm trying to say "Bad anxiety! Go to your room!" whenever it starts welling up . Without the pills, it would not be possible, but they can't do all the work either .

We also have two dogs, whom I totally adore, which is also one of the reasons why I haven't moved out yet. I also have a Russian Gold hamster...it is like you say... Odd that a small little ball of fluff can give so much love . I do tend to from time to time to turn to my pets...giving them hugs and holding them tightly when I need consolement. Strangely enough, our one dog only allows me to do that in the first place..

I suppose it's like PenguinsRus said, I think about it too much. I always seem to try too hard at things.

This morning I realised something...Although my mind doesn't admit it, my shrink has identified a bit of compulsive obsessiveness/perfectionism...and now I know why. It makes me anxious...believe it or not...when the one row of the blister pack has one more pill than the other! How stupid!!! o.O And that is just a simple example...somehow, without me noticing it, I have this esatiable need to have things "balanced".

Any hew...thanks for the continued support and understanding. Hopefully I can help someone else in turn again...

Glad you are having a good weekend. I am going through a small cycle myself right now. But, I deal with it and know it is only temporary. Ya just have to try and redirect your mind to things that make you happy. Try playing some of your favorite songs. That's what I do.

Carrie

The best of luck to you Carrie *HUGS*...

P.S. What kind of songs do you like, maybe I can write you something to cheer you up on your blue days

Journey
The Bee Gee's
Pink Floyd
Jimmy Cliff
Bob Marly
Stevie Nicks
Jersey Boys

It's about time I dusted off my keyboard. I haven't done much as of late due to wrist problems and...you know the run-of the mill depression "blah" feel like nothing feeling

But I will most definately see what I can do

ooh Pink Floyd. Love!!

You write music seraph? I play, but I'm not creative enough to write.

I try...when I have the time...inbetween bouts of depression...and joint problems...

I have an uncanny ability to play by ear...one or two whacky attempts and I have most tunes down. I can't play sheet music to save my life tho.

I had about 20 songs on a cd in my car when I had an accident...I never saw the cd again after getting my car back from the panel-beaters. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket.

I'm hoping to get some songs going soon again. My moods are lifting quite a bit with the help of some meds and great support from you guys.

On a much sadder note...check the Genetic Disorder forum.

PenguinsRUs and MsCarrie would be happy to know that it hasn't made me depressed...sad but not depresively so...at least not yet. It might just be that it hasn't sunk in yet...and at least it explains a lot...but opens a whole new can of worms.

I'm really sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with that. It sounds like something that is hard to deal with, but its definitely something you can work through. Look on the bright side...now that you have a diagnosis, you know what you are dealing with and what you can do to make your pain less. A diagnosis, although sometimes sad and scary, is often VERY helpful in making things better. You and your doctors will now be able to work together to find out exactly how its effecting you and what you can do to improve your life.

With that aside, I have to say that its pretty awesome that you are so good at music. I was never very musical. My boyfriend (we live together) has a music making computer/drum machine/keyboards/guitar/bass/etc, and he plugs it up and makes songs all the time. Sometimes I try to sing backup. I always wished that I could make music like that on my own. It seems like such a great way to release and express how you are feeling. I'd love to hear something sometime if you'd like to share with us.

Thanks. It is very much a factor of acceptance. Acceptance that there is nothing they can do about it, except slow the progress of deterioration. Acceptance that I will suffer from chronic joint inflamation/pain/problems for the rest of my life. Acceptance that I am never allowed to do any straneious activities as the risk of injury is almost double that of a healthy person. This is especially important in terms of "protecting my tummy" as the doctor said...He drilled it in pretty good...

All of this still has to sink in properly but for now at least, my major concerns is only joint and ligament related, which I have been dealing with more and more as of late. The more life-threatening side, which is cardio-vascular complications, still needs to be determined. I am seeing a cardiologist next week Thursday (And will have to see one on a regular basis) as I always will have the risk of mitril-valve prolapse/enlarged aorta as it is apparently progressive. Depending on the results from the cardiologist, it can either mean:

1. Regular visits to the cardiologist.
2. Taking Beta-Blockers to slow down the process by bringing down my blood pressure and so doing relieve the pressure on my aorta so it does not inflate and eventually rupture.
3. Open heart surgery to replace the main-aorta/heart-valve.

But yea...enough with the sop story

To me, music comes as naturally as speech I instinctively know which keys to press, which base key/treble key combination to use. I WOULD like to be able to further expand my chord and "run" tho ...but I can't seem to find anyone willing to teach a "practical only" pianist...they are all stuffy book-worms with the motto of "Theory comes first". I can't do theory...been there, done that, got the T-Shirt and burnt it .

I still have one or two VERY old songs which I can post. But please note they are VERY old and I wasn't as experienced when I did them. I am trying to get a Joomla! page up and running but that's going to take soooome time. I will see if I can open up an FTP folder on the free-server I am using.

Man...this makes me angry from the start again over the fact that some panel-beater is running around with a CD with MY original work on it...grrrr!

As for you, what is your great pleasure in life? You might not be great at music but I'm sure you are brilliant at other things that I totally suck at .

I have a friend who's like that too- he's brilliant at just sitting down and playing things but he can't read music worth beans. I think it's awesome.

They have some piano books that teach like that (more practical less theory), just teach how to build chords and stuff. I'll bet there's a "piano for dummies" or something that doesn't go too deeply into theory. Or even just a wall poster with piano chords on it, you can just look up and know what other keys to use to build it.

Well, anyway, I was trying to focus on the problem I might actually be able to give advice on and ignoring the rest.