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5 months on and still so hurt and grieving

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February 19th, 2012
Last year when I was 15, I found out that I was pregnant. At first I felt shocked and quite scared but soon got my head around it and started to think about what to do and how to tell people.I decided to keep it to myself as I thought my boyfriend (who i'd been with for nearly 2 years at that point)would want me to have an abortion and that wasn't what I wanted as i'm completely against it and so are my parents. All could think about was what was going to happen when it was born. I started to think about names and things I would need to buy for it even though it was days after I'd found out I was pregnant. I ended up being stupidly excited and happy, although I felt extremely guilty about not telling my boyfriend, simply because I did not know how, or how he'd take it.On September 8th I had a miscarriage after 8 weeks. It was only then I decided to tell my boyfriend who was extremely upset and distraught but at the same time he was so so supportive.

Its been 5 months and I'm starting to wonder if this is going to get any easier, I am now 16 and still with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years. I'm left feeling empty and alone as I know as much as he tries he simply doesn't understand what it's like to be in my position. He says he understands how I feel but I think that's him just trying to make me feel less alone. The pain is still very raw for me and I can't really talk to my boyfriend about it properly.

Recently I have thought about having a baby as I want one so much, although my first pregnancy wasn't planned the thought of having that little baby at the end of it seemed to be worth the pain and the arguments. Even though I know it's definitely not going to be a walk in the park I know I would be able to give it everything it needed and be able to give up everything for it. I know if I had told my parents they would have been supportive too and although from previous conversations with my boyfriend he said he would want me to consider abortion, he now apologises for saying it and also says he would have been there to support us every step of the way.

I would like to know if anyone else has had similar feelings of wanting a baby so soon after miscarriage or simply if the feeling is just because of the pain and grieving after the loss of an unborn baby. thank you. x
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littlelindylou
replied March 20th, 2012
Experienced User
Im 18 years old, i had a miscarriage about a month ago. and it kills me to know that i couldnt protect my baby from being taken away from me. its easier to have an abortion i think becase its your choice, but when its taken from you , you dont get a say. i was the same way you were. i was 7 weeks along when i found out and 8 weeks when i miscarried. for those short but long seven days i did the same as you, thinking of names, where i would put the crib and what decorations etc. i sat in a hospital for 5 hours while i was bleeding knowing i was losing my baby and no one helped me. my miscarriage has put such a strain on my relationship that we arent really together right now. i cant seem to open up to him either because i feel the same way you do, he just wont understand it cause he didnt got through it. your definately not alone in this. and its not wrong for feeling the way you do, ive just come to that conclusion myself. and im finally willing to talk about it. maybe not with my boyfriend but atleast on here. thats your first step in this.the great thing about this website is that no one knows you. they cant judge you. they can just give you answers and support and its nice to know your not the only one going through it. i stopped feeling like i wanted a baby about a week ago, because ive come to the realization that my next one will never replace the one i lost and it shouldnt have to. your still young my dear, youve got plenty of life ahead of you. my bestfriend had 2 kids by the age of 17 within a year of eachother. its not easy, i see the hardships he goes through and the stuff he misses out on. im not going to preach about being a young parent, because i know many young parents who are wonderful with their kids. Just think about thoroughly. and dont do it thinking to replace the one you lost.
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kristigraham
replied March 27th, 2012
Community Volunteer
"it kills me to know that i couldnt protect my baby from being taken away from me."

Of course this is not correct. It is thought conservatively that over 50% of fertilized eggs ends up miscarried. The reason is that our bodies have various defense mechanisms to protect us from harm. The egg/fetus gets aborted because of problems in the DNA, or in the way the fetus attached to the uterus. It prevents hugely deformed babies and death of the mother. There are many many things that can go wrong - incompatibilities between mother and fetus, genetic issues with the way the sperm and egg combined. Those are the reasons why we have miscarriages. There are of course other reasons where the mother just cannot support a pregnancy. There is however no indication that it was the case with you.

That does not mean it is not something to mourn about.But unless you did deep sea diving, bungi jumping, mountain biking, sky diving, misused drugs or alcohol, it is not something you did wrong or caused. It is just the natural flow of mother nature. It has been going on for millions of years, and it will continue for millions more.

So please stop blaming yourself, or think that you could have done something about it. It is just not true, and it is not even helpful. It is good to cry, to feel sad, to talk to somebody about your feelings and experience. It is bad to try to blame yourself.

A miscarriage says nothing about you, or your ability to be a good mother one day. It is about biology.

Take care!
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