Broken Hearted Forum - military man relationship

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Q: military man relationship

asked by: Gorgeous78 on August 8th, 2008

New User

Hi, i am having a very difficult time. 3years ago i met a man, we had a kind of relationship then, but we kind of knew it was going to end as he was just finishing his studies in my city and had to go away - he is a soldier, studied medicine. But i was deeply in love with him and was like a moth and he was a flame. after he graduated he went back home for holidays and promised he'd be back, but when he did get back he just sent me a text saying he's back with his ex and things are great. I was shocked and hurt... my friends took me on holidays to croatia to help me forget.

2 years passed... in the meantime i was in a relationship with a guy, but only now i understand it was not what i wanted and i never loved that guy (he's happy with a girl and a baby now by the way), just when things started going bad after two years of a relationship, i got a postcard from... the soldier. He wrote that it was the most stupid decision in his life and he has been regretting it ever since, and that i am a wonderful woman and he is very sorry for what he has done to me.

naive... i wrote back. Within a week he was on his way to see me (400km to drive) although i was very nervous when we first saw each other we just started cuddling and snogging - just as if nothing had happened...

i was in heaven... it was tough cos he lives and works in a military basis 400km away from my city, but he came over whenever he could, we had great time on new year's(i met his family then and his close friends, they were all lovely and warm and i felt so happy), and in february when we went to italy, he even wanted to make a baby on st.valentine's day...

in may we went away for a few days biking. I met his soldier friends and things were good... BUT i noticed he stopped telling me he loved me.

he's a very difficult person to talk to, he doesn't share his feelings, so i tried to ask what's wrong, but he wouldn't answer. Besides he acted normally apart from that 'little' thing. He drove me back home and he said he'd try to come over the next weekend...

Next day i phoned him... and i heard it's over between us. I was so shocked i couldn't understand his words, i told him i was unable to put the phone down, he said he wasn't either, so we talked for four hours that night. In the end he said we should try again.

he came over for a weekend, it was lovely, we had a greta time, we made love and we enjoyed ourselves in ZOO, park etc but he would not talk to me about the serious stuff - so i thought: if things are good between us, perhaps i should let it go and concentrate on the good stuff. WRONG!

he left on sunday, on Monday he told me over the phone it's over for good.

That happened on 2nd June. Today it's8th of August and i am still crying and can't move on. I wake up with tears, i cry myself to sleep, during a day i act kind of normal, put on a brave face for my family, but mum gets annoyed with me when she sees me crying again and i just can't control it, i can't stop it.

i should also mention that about 3 weeks ago i got a text from him with a picture of his smashed car, saying: easy come easy go. I know i shouldn't have, but i replied: Why did you text me?What do you want from me?Do you want my pity?Do you want to know if i still care?Yes i do, and yes you're still afraid of being happy. He replied then: I don't need your pity,I am not afraid of happiness - I am looking for it.
I answered then saying: Are you looking for happiness again with me? If i was just a mistake please don't ever write to me again.
But he replied: No, you were not a mistake. Ok, i won't write, perhaps.

I never replied back. But this PERHAPS...it's killing me. And not only that... everything is connected with him, i should throw away the little things like postcards or letters and photos, but i just cannot face doing it, i can't look at them, they're tucked away in different parts of the room. Now my cousin is going to the seaside and wants me to go with her for holiday and I start crying cos i know i will be closer than ever to him, to the town where his military base is, although still away, and i want to move on.

I have been taking herbal pills for the past two months to calm down, although they first made me calmer and i could sleep better, now i think they make me cry more, not sure. but without them i am all emotional all the time...

I can't talk to my mum, i can't tell her that i have been thinking of finishing with myself cos the pain is too big to go on. She wouldn't understand that and that would really hurt her, i can't do that, but i don't know how long i will continue like that, i feel i am losing the battle for my life. it's an existence i want to finish.

as i am typing it i am crying again... i thought of writing a letter, to him, to give vent to everything inside me - i didn't necessarily want to send it. I tried it, but i cried too much to continue... i just don't seem to be able to face it anyhow.

i feel i am going crazy, a friend gave me a number to a psychologist, but i can't get myself to phone the woman, i feel somehow that it would me my final defeat, that i'd fail completely, i just can't go to a doctor with that although i feel i do have a problem... I work at school teaching kids, in September when holidays are over I really don't know how i am going to cope....

what can i do... how to move on... i did move on once but the second time seems impossible to make...

Replies(39)

JohnnyD

replied on August 8th, 2008

New User

Well first off let me commend you for writing in this forum. That was your initial step in trying to let go, and if you're serious about doing it then it's possible. Is he a smart guy, as in, can he look into your eyes and tell you what you're thinking?

Users who thank JohnnyD for this post: Gorgeous78

claudia+jorge

replied on August 8th, 2008

New User

Sweety first of all,I honestly think u should seek professional help, that does not mean u r crazy, its just gonna help u move on. Well, I have a younger sis that been tru the same situation,he broked her hearth so many times that I lost count, he would also treat her like a princess when he was around and soon enough break up wit her over the phone when he was back in base,3 years after a on and off relationship,he broke up for good, 3 days later she seen pictures of him and his (wife) in myspace gettin married, all this time it was really hard to understand his unstable kind of relationship,it wasn't a relationship excuse my language but it was just and extra love when wife wasn't around. My sis also wanted to end her life,I'm gonna tell u exactly what I told her when she was in this situation.there is a lot of fishes in the sea, and trust me I know its a painful time for u, but soon enought u'll get over him, one advise I give u take it or leave it, do not give him another chance this will go over and over again and the more u keep him around the more its going to hurt u,I don't know the whole story but for what I read he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't even know what he wants its not fair the way he played wit ur feelings and he probrably doesn't even know how much damaged he has caused, sweety u need to move on, go out wit friends and cousin, try not to think abt it( I know its hard and I feel ur pain but u can do it) now my sis its engaged to a wonderful guy, abt to get married and her ex could walk in front of her and ask her back and she won't even look at him, it was hard work, and its completely normal to feel sad and cry especially when u trutly love someone,but don't let that thought get to u, what is he? The only man on earth?u and nobody has the right to take a life away, god gave u life and god will take it away whenever he wants not whenever u want,I know its hard and painful,I know honey I know, I seen my sister cryed for over a year everynight and everyday not wantin to talk to anybody just wanting to kill her self and nothin in life made sense to her witout him, look at her now she laugh about it now with her soon to be husband.its hard to do it alone not impossible just extremely hard, but wit professional help to smooth the situation and friends to help u forget the situation u would do just fine its hard but u will be okay, I don't even know u and I wouldn't forgive u if u ever do anything to ur self, imagine the pain u would cause ur mom, and friends they would always hate u for doing that, sweety be a strong women put ur head up and keep on,a lot of women been there and they came out of it u can do it too.I wish u the best and I would love to be informe on how u r doing, ur story really touch me cuz of what had happen to my sis before and I felt ur pain like if it was mine, hope u can work this out and remember god gave u life and only he can take it away not u! Take care and move on u can do it.

Users who thank claudia+jorge for this post: Gorgeous78

Gorgeous78

replied on August 9th, 2008

New User

JohnnyD wrote:

yes, though he's not easy to talk, as a soldier he hides his feelings, though i have always felt more and knew what he felt like - that's what i thought... he appreciated me for that though. No other woman had enough patience to make him talk, i ve often succeeded, and he knew my feelings too. But does it matter now? he's gone, lives his life without me 400km away and i will never see him again. i know it's eating me and it's not good for me, but it hurts like hell and for the past two months i have not been able to let it go. i am honestly so tired of that...

Beline

replied on August 10th, 2008

Supporter

Hallo, Gorgeous. I read your post and it just broke my heart. It brought back such painful memories. Honey, I’m greatly opposed to taking drugs, but sometimes we need meds just to help us through a difficult time. I implore you to go and see a doctor. You are suffering from severe depression and meds will help you through this very, very difficult time. And try to find the courage to phone the psychologist. You need someone to help you put things into perspective.
I know there is a lot of fish in the sea, and people told me this when my heart was broken. It just didn’t help much because I didn’t want any of those fishes. I wanted the one that got away.
Hang in there, and keep us posted.

Users who thank Beline for this post: Gorgeous78

Gorgeous78

replied on August 15th, 2008

New User

Another day....

another day with tears again... I felt better for a few days, it was nice at the seaside with my cousin and her bf - we did so many things i had hardly time to think... now back home i am getting emotional and upset again. Tomorrow it's his best friend's wedding - we were supposed to go there together... I feel a complete loser and that i failed - i keep asking myself why it happened, what did i do wrong... we didn't argue, we didn't have problems - just usual life stuff... how could it be so wonderful for nearly nine months and then just end like that? over the phone... one day i was happily in love with a man of my dreams and had a whole life there... the other i have nothing and feel this terrible amptiness.
I am not afraid of being alone, being single. I've done that, it's not a problem... i just can't forget him, i miss him so bad and it's hounting me. how can i still love so much a man who has hurt me - twice... am i insane?
THANK YOU, all of you who have posted warm and supporting replies here. Your words give me comfort and the feeling that i am not alone, that there are people who do understand. I need this. xxx

Beline

replied on August 16th, 2008

Supporter

Gorgeous, please Honey, get the help you need. It’s okay. We all go through situations in life that we just can’t seem to cope with. And no, I don’t believe that things like this make us stronger. It hurts like hell and it leaves scars which manifests in us being reluctant to trust and love again.
You deserve a good man in your life, but you might miss out on him because you are holding on to the wrong one. You need to start your healing process and a psychiatrist can help you with taking the first steps.
Hang in there. You are in my thoughts.

Users who thank Beline for this post: Gorgeous78

Gorgeous78

replied on August 16th, 2008

New User

the story goes on...

today it's a wedding of his best friend from the army, we were supposed to go there together. When he told me about the invitation i was so happy, i felt he changed cos he wanted to "show me" to his friends, to the other side of his life which i never knew... I was so looking forward to that...
now am at home brokenhearted, thinking if he's enjoying himself and whether he went to the wedding alone or with some girl...
my friends say i am getting better... perhaps i have just got used to the pain and i ahve cried enough... i still do, though not all the time, is the healing process taking place? am not sure. Funny thing is i have met lots of nice people online and in real life who do care about me and it's amazing... thanks x

Users who thank Gorgeous78 for this post: Beline

Beline

replied on August 18th, 2008

Supporter

Only you can answer that question, Love. Does it still hurt as much as it did when you broke up? You say that you are crying less, but does it actually hurt less?

Users who thank Beline for this post: Gorgeous78

Gorgeous78

replied on August 21st, 2008

New User

another episode...

Another day passes - yesterday I returned from a 4day trip to the mountains with my cousin and her bf, it was veyr nice - finally no associations with him as he never wanted to go there with me and didn't even like the sound of the name of the place, but i love these mountains and i had a few nice days there.... I did think, of course... but... somehow less. Now am back home again, and i am pretty sure there will be another breakdown moment, another night filled with tears... but at the moment i jsut feel empty and just sad. I don't despair as before - does it mean it's better? For me it's just different, when i start thinking about it all tears come to my eyes as before and nothing has changed really, so yes, it still hurts the same - i might have just learned to deal with it better, not sure...
I am filling my time totally - meeting friends, going to the cinema, going shopping, just NOT TO THINK... soon my work starts again... I still feel this heavy burden inside, and i still unfortunately think he's the love of my life ('s = is or was?) and it is sad and hurts.
Thanks Beline for your support, you're an Angel.

bottledwater

replied on August 22nd, 2008

New User

as a soldier i understand the no feelings part, my girlfriend constantly tells me to tell her things that are wrong, and although somehow she always can find something in my face that shows something is wrong, noone else can tell. (i suppose thats sortof normal) but she gets really annoyed when i dont tell her, because as soldiers we are all trained to remove the human element. you dont want that stuff clouding your mind when you pull the trigger.

i know from the guys i work with that some are players, and some are one girl men. this guy here sounds like a player, he comes in for the sex and the fun, and leaves when the steeper stuff comes.

if he is or isnt one, either way from what youve said here, he has no care for your feelings, and even for a soldier this is very wrong. this guy is horrible, and even though i know it isnt easy, not only doesent he deserve you..he doesent deserve 5 minutes of your sadness over him.

i think you should find a group, or counsoler to help you through this. and open up to your mother about it. she seems to take a interest to your depression, you need someone to vent too.

Users who thank bottledwater for this post: Beline Gorgeous78

Beline

replied on August 22nd, 2008

Supporter

Don’t mention it, Sweetie. I’ve been there. I know how much it hurts.
Listen Gorgeous, there are plenty of men like Bottledwater out there. I’m getting married to one in November. I know it doesn’t help much now, but soon enough a really good man will come along and he will treat you with respect and he will love you for who you are.
In the meantime I have to agree with Bottledwater: go see a counselor. It’s no ‘quick fix’ as it sometimes takes years to get over this kind of hurt, but you need some coping skills. I wish I took the time when it happened to me, but when you’re in the situation.., I don’t know…, for some reason one just can’t seem to get the help you need.
Hang in there, Hon.

Users who thank Beline for this post: Gorgeous78

Gorgeous78

replied on August 22nd, 2008

New User

What does he want?

Hi there everyone, it's me again Smile

joking... last night was staying up late, i like to get myself tired before going to sleep recently as i don't think so much in bed then. At 1am i got a text. It was from him. I think i need to explain that i did sth stupid when i was at the seaside... just couldn't help myself and i hope you will not think bad of me for that. I sent him a postcard with: IRONY-CLOSER AND AT THE SAME TIME FURTHER AWAY THAN BEFORE. PS. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY...
So in his text he wrote: thanks for your postcards, you seem to be travelling a lot:) I replied: I am doing my best.
He texted me again: Where else have you been? - so i wrote: Italy,seaside,mountains,hospital,with my dog,cinema etc
He replied: hospital??? - but i ignored that (didn't want to tell him that i had to ask for help my other ex who works at hospital cos have problems with my hand and now it turns out i need a surgery). I wrote that i was going to bed and he wished me good night.
In the morning before 8am i got a text with his picture saying: greetings from work. He was obviously on duty at a local hospital. I replied a couple of hours later saying: thanks for the greetings, have a nice day. In the meantime he sent me another text with another photo of him saying: what did you mean by that PS on the postcard?
I tried to ignore that, but after an hour he sent me another text asking again about the PS. Eventlually I wrote: And what do you mean by your texts? But he said it's not nice to answer by question to a question. I haven't replied so far...

So here i am, sat at home thinking what he wants. He sent me the first text to the phone i always use, and not the one i used when i was with him, i think he wanted to make sure i get it. And why does he keep pushing about the PS? I think it's pretty obvious what i meant by that...

Obviously you will all think i shouldn't have replied to any of his texts and i am making a mistake... To be honest i don't know what i am doing. I am calmer though, but it is bothering me. I know i sent that postcard, but he could as well have ignored it, but he didn't. The last three months have been very difficult for me, i have gone through a lot of pain because of him, and because of the image of him i created in my head i think. But my feelings for him are still there, how to switch off?

Thank you Bottledwater - you're a decent guy and I hope things will turn out well for you and your girlfriend. My ex is in the army, but he is a medical doctor, he doesn't carry gun. Though i do know that there are mostly guys and it's very peculiar world. And just to be precise - it wasn't just sex, as i live with my mum who is very religious so we slept in separate rooms (a bit difficult at times i admit, though i think our sexlife was better than good, although not frequent due to the distance).

So why a guy sends his pictures to a woman he left a few months before?... i am at a loss.

CoolGlassofH2O

replied on August 23rd, 2008

Experienced User

hes a jerk for dragging you on and on and just playing yo yo with your feelings. my boyfriend was in the military and believe me they have a hard exterior to get thru. he wont compliment me on if i looked pretty today, or my hair looks nice, etc lol but only when hes a little tipsy is when his true emotions come out Smile

this guy however is simply playing with you. be strong when you txt him, try not to show him your still lovey dovey (i.e sending cutesy wootsy sounding txts) be strong and blunt when talk to him about anything in your life. you.ll slowly have to let him go until one day no txts, to phone calls, no pictures. that way he gets the point that he cant treat you this way.

hes proved to himself that he has you in the palm of his hand so he.ll keep playing with you just to give himself an ego boost. be strong dont let any guy play you for a fool. goodluck with everything Smile

Users who thank CoolGlassofH2O for this post: Gorgeous78

Gorgeous78

replied on August 24th, 2008

New User

My feelings now... NOT SURE.

Thanks LadyT02. I am trying to be very careful with texts and my feelings, don't want to give everything again just to get hurt. I even find it surprising how calm I am - a month ago I would cry and feel so low when he sent me a text, now I am nervous, I do admit that, but... been thinking a lot - i'll give it time, let him take the lead - will only reply if he sends the text. And today i am going out to meet a nice guy i met online - i think i need to prove myself that there are plenty of other nice men and he's not the only one... It's not so much about him now as about me, my feelings, my desires, my dreams...how do i go on being happy leaving my dreams behind? I don't know. Will keep all of you posted... in a funny way it helps to share this.

Gorgeous78

replied on August 30th, 2008

New User

this texting has been going on for over a week and a half... recently we have been sending lots of texts... today he wrote that he misses me sometimes. I replied that i miss him not sometimes but all the time. My phone has been silent since then. He may need the time to think all this over, but... but yes, i knew it would happen - i feel shitty and i am trying to be strong. Promised myself i won't text him again, i won't let him hurt me again... there are decent guys out there and i do deserve to be loved for who i am and not beg for love any more...

keep thinking of me - i hope i will be strong enough to stick to my promise and in my belief.

Sukki

replied on September 8th, 2008

Experienced User

im glad that u are fine.
dont treat him as someone u love, just some penpal u never met..play around this way and guess everything will be alright..
i think he is stressed..needs someone to talk with and he is lonely.. needs someone to share his feelings with but he doesnt want to be committed in a relationship coz of his soldier ways..soldier life..

Users who thank Sukki for this post: Gorgeous78

Gorgeous78

replied on September 11th, 2008

New User

THANKS EVERYONE....

another post from me. Things haven't changed much recently, but when I look three months back - there's a drastic change. I am glad I have managed to get through this, though I don't think it was necessary... but obviously up there they're playing with our lives. Anyway, i don't know where I am going and how it will end, I am still in love with the guy, and now he has texted me about spending a nice weekend and said he'd explain more soon. Another friend of his is getting married and we got an invitation over a half a year ago, he reminded me about that a couple of weeks ago - does he want me to go with him? I think so, though he wouldn't dare tell me that openly - but am wandering: if i should go, i'd go there as who??? his ex? his friend? sb he knows???...
i wish and hope i will be strong enough to turn this situation to my advantage, if you know what i mean, have good fun and let go. Perhaps i need to see him again to realize he doesn't have so much power over me as i think he has, or perhaps i will fall for him again - in that case i should stay clear of him, either way i really don't know what's going to happen and take each day as it comes, though it's not easy. But i am still here, making progress - albeit small steps, and i want to thank all of you who were there for me and supported me - well done for you Smile

Gorgeous78

replied on September 16th, 2008

New User

GOING TO THE WEDDING WITH HIM...

Hi everyone... this coming weekend i have agreed to go to his friend's wedding. After going through hell because of him it might be a huuuuuge mistake, but since i don't seem to be able to erase him from my life, i thought something needs to change - i will either start hating him and despising or will understand sth and will be finally able to move on with my life, i don't know. I try not to expect anything more - it's not a fairy tale and i'd rather be surprised than disappointed.
so... here i am... making another mistake?.... perhaps my story and my mistakes will help somebody here... i hope so. take good care of yourselves x

Sukki

replied on September 18th, 2008

Experienced User

As his friend, u should just see him as a friend and nothing else because there will be no *fairy tale ending* and anyway, i think this guy has somewhat no good friends.. other than u.. Just move on with your life, u can be his friend, just a friend!

all the best to you

Users who thank Sukki for this post: Gorgeous78

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