I have been married for a little more than
a year now, and have a near perfect
relationship with husband(who I think is
the best in the world), but whenever we do
fight, or almost all our fights with hubby
are when my in-laws are over .
Initially(when we got married) my MIL came
across as a countryside simpleton who
loved me or pretended to love me a lot.
But hell broke loose after my FIL expired
recently, she blamed me for anything or
everything that went wrong. While she and
FIL were staying with us , they hardly
complained about anything, but the moment
he died, she started badmouthing me in
front of all her relatives, complaining
about my cooking, cleaning and house
keeping skills. Portraying a picture of a
compete witch who never takes care of old
in-laws. The whole event came as a shock
to me as , me and my husband never did
anything to earn this reputation. We
pulled all stops to make them comfortable,
yet she openly kept criticizing me. She
openly blames my upbringing, and keeps
saying how my mother never taught me
anything. This hurts me beyond words.I
cant quite understand her complete
disrespect of privacy, as she has a habit
a saying %u2018whatever she knows%u2019 ie
everything to everyone. Whatever I told
her in confidence is out in the open the
next day, so I%u2019m very scared of what
I tell her, her favorite topic is to
discuss food, and me being a very health
conscious person likes to keep and serve
nutritious things, which is tantamount to
committing a crime in her eyes as its not
tasty enough. I%u2019m very worried about
my husbands health as his father was high
diabetic, my husband is a non-exerciser,
is vegetarian and loves fries, so I make
sure I serve him things he likes without
the added oil and make homemade non fried
sweets for him. Between the two of us, he
eats them, but I%u2019m sure with my
mother in law%u2019s love for fries and
high calorie sweets , all my efforts will
go down the drain. She has never been to
school, so it%u2019s very difficult for me
to make her understand the importance of
nutrition. In these circumstances I
don%u2019t know what to do. Since my FIL
expired and my MIL is alone, my husband
plans to bring her over to stay with us,
imagining all the rude comments and
playing all her unreal antics in my head ,
my stress levels have gone beyond control.
I cannot concentrate on any work, I feel
fatigued and irritable all day. Please
help me cope with the situation. My
husband is the last person I want to pick
a fight with, but we break out in frequent
fights, I can%u2019t handle the stress
anymore.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-11-08 08:10am
Your mother in law is most probably still
dealing with the loss of her beloved
husband.
When something as traumatic as the death
of a spouse occur, one goes through the
different stages of grief. Some of which
is denial (not MY husband), the tears
(which is vital), anger (how could he do
this to me?), self pity, (why did this
happen to me?) and then the ‘reverse
button’ (if only I …)
It seems as if your mother in law got
stuck in the ‘anger’ phase and has
difficulty moving past that. Try and
convince your husband to talk her into
going for therapy. This will ultimately do
all of you good, as it seems that you
husband wants her to move in with you.
If she does move in with you now it will
only add to the problem as is seems that
she can’t adapt to being a widow. To
expect her to adapt to being in another
woman’s household on top of that means
that she will only take longer to heal the
hurt.
Good luck to you, and keep us posted.
|
bijnil
Supporter
Joined: 21 Apr 2008 Posts: 25 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:9
MIL stress continues Posted: 05-11-08 09:13am
My MIL (who is recently widowed) has moved
in with us...and i'm having a hard time
re-scheduling all our activities aroun we
enjoyeverd her. it sems whated doing as a
couple has to be retimed...we used to
enjoy wathing movies...but now have to
watch it after she sleeps as she does not
understand english...we used to go for
long walks but have now stopped as she
cannot keep pace with us and my husband
feels guilty of leaving her alone...we
used to enjoy drinking wine...but had to
cut down as she feels its unholy and
ungodly...Even our healthy sexual life is
non-existant...we cannot have impromtu
sex...i hate this life...my husband is too
attached to his mom , so he thinks the
best way to make her happy in this age is
to stay glued to her...i canot cope with
this...although i love my husband more
than myself...i cannot handle this
situation. Please help!!!
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-11-08 09:48am
This really is a difficult situation, and
I strongly suggest that you sit your
husband down and talk to him. Don’t
threaten him with ultimatums - just talk
calmly and tell him that you love him
dearly, and that you have great respect
for him because he treats his mother with
so much respect, but that the two of you
need to spend some time alone as a married
couple. Maybe taking up the long walks
again is a good idea. Your husband needs
the exercise because of his family’s
medical history, and it will give the two
of you time to be alone and out of the
stressful environment at home.
If you feel that you cannot talk to him,
write him a letter. Words spoken in anger
can never be taken back, but a loving
letter can be kept as a reminder of how
much you love him, and how much you
treasure your relationship with him.
|
bijnil
Supporter
Joined: 21 Apr 2008 Posts: 25 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:9
thank you!! Posted: 05-11-08 10:05am
thank u advisor
will do the needful
im so relived
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-11-08 10:24am
I’m always here to listen. I’m not
sure which country you are from, so we
might be in different time zones, but I
promise to reply as soon as I get your
message. If I can’t help you, I’ll
make sure to get somebody that will be
able to help. There are a lot of very wise
people on this forum.
Good luck to you, and keep us posted.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-11-08 10:25am
I’m always here to listen. I’m not
sure which country you are from, so we
might be in different time zones, but I
promise to reply as soon as I get your
message. If I can’t help you, I’ll
make sure to get somebody that will be
able to help. There are a lot of very wise
people on this forum.
Good luck to you, and keep us posted.
|
mominashoe
Supporter
Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 1774 Location: , KS USA
Thanks: 40
Thanked:24
Posted: 05-11-08 14:46pm
The advice you gave is very good Beline...
I couldn't have said it much better
myself.
To the OP, you have not been married a
long time and it is vital to your marriage
that you solve this problem or you could
end up in separating from your husband, no
matter how much you love him. Marriage
is between 2 people, not three, and he has
to realize that. Bringing your
mother-in-law into your house might be
what he wants but you have equal rights on
this matter. She is not being nice to
either of you and she is destroying the
life that you should be having. A certain
amount of imbalance is allowed from the
trauma of her husband, but enough is
enough.
What is her situation if she doesn't live
with you? How old is she and is there a
single relative that she can stay with?
Or maybe there is an assisted living
facility where she can stay. Why is it
that she NEEDS to live off you both?
Therapy is a really good idea. It will be
up to the counselor to see, but maybe even
her living with you isn't the best for her
mental state. Seeing you with the only
person she has left, in a happy marriage,
is making her jealous and making her feel
very alone. She needs to open up her
horizons and find a hobby.
I do have sympathy for her since losing a
partner is life is very hard, and it
affects people differently. However, she
is a mature adult and all because she is
your MIL, doesn't mean that she has the
right to do whatever she wants, or make
you do what she wants. She is a guest in
her house. House rules apply, you make
them, and if she doesn't like it, she
needs to find another place to go.
|
nightangel73
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Nov 2005 Posts: 2603 Location: ,
Thanks: 17
Thanked:13
Re: MIL stress continues Posted: 05-11-08 15:52pm
bijnil
wrote:
My MIL (who is recently
widowed) has moved in with us...and i'm
having a hard time re-scheduling all our
activities aroun we enjoyeverd her. it
sems whated doing as a couple has to be
retimed...we used to enjoy wathing
movies...but now have to watch it after
she sleeps as she does not understand
english...we used to go for long walks but
have now stopped as she cannot keep pace
with us and my husband feels guilty of
leaving her alone...we used to enjoy
drinking wine...but had to cut down as she
feels its unholy and ungodly...Even our
healthy sexual life is non-existant...we
cannot have impromtu sex...i hate this
life...my husband is too attached to his
mom , so he thinks the best way to make
her happy in this age is to stay glued to
her...i canot cope with this...although i
love my husband more than myself...i
cannot handle this situation. Please
help!!!
oh god I can relate to you so
much!!!!!!!!!!!! My MIL imposed to live in
my house since january. She found a job in
my town and just decided to move in with
us until she find a place to live. So she
said it was going to be for 3 weeks but it
was lie, she wanted to stay longer. It has
been a battle here. My husband doesn't
have the courage to kick her out so I can
relate to the difficult situation. She
moved in my second month of marriage!! So
you can say now I have been six months
married and only two months I have only
lived with my husband alone. I have told
her in everyway to go but everytime she
needs to move she comes up with a new
sickness. I'm desperate and I tell my
husband everyday. I just got pregnant and
I'm now concerned of the high stress and
this pregnancy. If she stays this week I'm
planing on threathen heavily my husband
because I can't stand this situation no
longer. And the kicker with her is that
she has never offered to pay any bills
during this 5 months, she doesn't cook,
clean or do anything in the house (no
wonder why she doesn't want to go). She
came to FREE LOAD and the job she got is a
100k job.
So my advice to lady in the begining. DO
NOT LET THE MIL MOVE IN WITH YOU. It will
potentially harm your marriage.
|
Users who thank nightangel73 for this post:
bijnil
bijnil
Supporter
Joined: 21 Apr 2008 Posts: 25 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:9
Thank you all...but afew tips please.. Posted: 05-11-08 22:25pm
Thnaks you for all those advices,
sometimes it just helps to listen that I'm
not the only one in this whole wide world
suffering.To give you a backgrounder, I'm
staying in INdia (needless to mention an
Indian) and here we have this age old
model of children, specially sons taking
care of their parents. India is still in
teh phase of trasitioning, wherein the
women have an equal rights and are out to
earn a living.While i belong to this new
age women brigade, who worked and stayed
alone for quite some time before marriage,
my MIL is not. She is from the old school
of thoughts and yet to come in terms with
role trasitioning.
In my case my MIL is quite old (around 65)
but quite capable of taking care of
herself, but my husband out of guilt
factor brought her to stay with us.Now her
staying with us is interfering with our
day to day living, our simple pleasures
all seem robbed.She seems to do all sorts
of thing sto attract attention, and food
is her weapon--who cooks, how is it
cooked, how is it kept...and it goes
on...
although i keep my interactions with her
to the bare necessity, but it still is
difficult to cope. How else can i tune her
out...is it okay to speak to her
...although her level of understanding is
quite poor...how can i approach her, and
what is the best way to handle it without
upsetting my relations with husband...
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-12-08 05:56am
When it comes to things like tradition and
religion things can get very complicated.
Add a generation gap as big as yours,
different backgrounds and outlooks, and
you are heading for a disaster.
It seems as if you have been grinning and
bearing it - which at this point is a good
thing. No harm has been done from your
side, so there is no need to mend the
relationship. Women from the previous
generations were obviously more concerned
with women’s more traditional roles like
cooking, cleaning and raising children.
(Same in my country)
It can be really hard, if not impossible,
to change your MIL’s outlook on how the
world has changed.
I gather from your post that she is very
religious. Are you?
Maybe if you start meeting on her ground
(the kitchen), and asking her for advice
on recipes, making her feel important, she
will feel needed and wanted. Try and stick
to dishes that won’t affect your
husband’s health too much. And try to
convince her that the two of you should
take turns in the kitchen, cooking
alternative nights. That way she can get
free reins to cook whatever she wants
every second night. The down side to this
is that you will not be eating as many
healthy meals as you should.
Try and compliment her as often as
possible. You don’t have children yet,
so ask her advice on how to raise
wonderful children like your husband.
Tell her that you love her son dearly and
ask her advice on how to keep him happy.
She was married for years, so she should
know. Even if you think that she is
talking a lot of nonsense, it doesn’t
matter, just try to keep the conversation
going.
Once you have her on your side it will be
easier to talk to her about things that
has been bothering you. And yes, it is
okay to talk to her as long as it is in a
respectful manner.
Thnak you Beline...i think whatever you
saymakes so much sense...i was very
confused about tackling the issue..i did
not want to pick up a fight , as i know
taht she will clearly not understand my
standpoint. issues which are important to
me, personal space, health etc. now she is
someone, who will have a permanent
presence in my life (whether i like it or
not is a different issue) so i wan to deal
with it on a mature basis.
With cooking , i guess she behaves like my
competitor.When last time she was with us
, she kept criticizing me, bearing taht in
mind i hired a cook, but now she crticizes
her ability as well, as well as my
inability to do something as basic as
cook. Although she is not fond of it, so i
cant presurrize her, but seems like she
wants to cook, only if something i prepare
is appreciated by my husband. i'm finding
it difficult to understand her emotional
upheaveals and constant hanketing for
attention.Quite difficlt. But i will of
coyrse try and ask her advice on neutral
things and cooking. ..and no, Im not
religious, so we cant have a common
footing here.But thanks a ton.
Is your society too very similar to ours,
or did you ever have a MIL liek this to
deal with?
Whatever you say touches the cord
somewhere. Thank you once again.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-12-08 10:00am
Oh, no! My mother in law was just the
sweetest thing you can imagine. Even today
we still call one another just for a chat.
She stays about 7 minutes drive from me,
but I don’t visit her as my ex-husband
remarried and I don’t want to cause
tension there. But I still cal her
‘Mom’, and I love her to bits.
The problem I had was with my
sister-in-law. She is the youngest and the
only daughter. Her brothers were very
protective of her when they were children,
and when they grew up and started families
of their own, she considered my other
sister-in-law and me as really huge
threats - you know, taking her brothers
and security away from her. She did her
utmost best to make our lives a living
hell.
It was hard to find common ground with her
as well, because her only passion in life
is drinking, and I don’t touch the
stuff. So yes, I guess I can relate.
The only thing I tried to do with her was
to boost her self esteem, so she
wouldn’t feel so vulnerable when her
brothers left.
I guess it’s the same with your mother
in law. Now that her husband is gone, she
might not feel protected anymore, and is
competing with you for her son’s love.
You are a smart, beautiful, well rounded
young woman, and I think she doesn’t
like to be compared to you. Have you
talked to your husband yet?
|
bijnil
Supporter
Joined: 21 Apr 2008 Posts: 25 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:9
hi Posted: 05-12-08 22:11pm
I heeded your advice...and as an ice
breaker i bought a carton of ice cream for
her on my way back home, partially as my
husband is away for a day on a business
trip, so i wanted to make her feel
better.ah!well once i reached home i made
a special icecream shake for her...and she
quitely ate it without thanking me or
saying a word, even refused to have dinner
with me...ate only after i was done with
eating.Asked for her help in one of the
recipe...uhm she cooked it , and put so
much chilly in it that it was hard for me
to take a bite, leave alone eat it.
Its a precarious situation.Can speak to
husband only after he returns...but
Beline,,,thanks a ton for all the
compliments:) nice words boosts the self
esteem much beyond imagination...specially
at times of crisis like these.
|
bijnil
Supporter
Joined: 21 Apr 2008 Posts: 25 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:9
Posted: 05-12-08 22:13pm
you lucky to have an angelic MIL..wow..its
so far flung for me.lucky u
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-13-08 03:00am
My Word! She really is a tough cookie.
I think you should give it a day or two -
and keep up the compliments - and then you
should pour her her favorite drink (tea or
whatever she likes) and sit her down for a
chat. Tell her that you love her, and
because you do, her vindictive attitude
really hurts. If you didn’t care about
her, you would just have brushed her
behavior off and wouldn’t have given it
a second thought.
Ask her what you can do to make her stay
more comfortable and pleasant as you want
to make sure that there is a warm, loving
atmosphere in the home so she could enjoy
staying with you.
Do not attempt this conversation right
after she did something nasty - just do it
out of the blue. Speak softly and calmly
and don’t start your sentences with
‘You always…’. Rather say something
like ‘I feel that…’. That way she
won’t feel that you are attacking her.
If this does not work you are going to
have to talk to your husband. I’d hate
for it to come to that because that would
put the poor man right on the middle of
two very unhappy women.
Keep in mind Bijnil, that it is your
house. You have the right to a happy,
relaxed atmosphere at home.
Please feel free to come here to vent. We
are all here to help as much as we can.
And thank you for the compliments.
|
bijnil
Supporter
Joined: 21 Apr 2008 Posts: 25 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:9
Posted: 05-13-08 09:02am
Another day, im planning to go home from
work, thinking whats in store today...
Quite braced up with your advice, so
confident:)
I know its tricky to hanle fragile egos at
this age, specially when all they have to
do throughout the day is THINK..and we all
know whereall our imagination can take
us..if the thoughts are negative, then
even the well meaning things go haywire,
top it up with the difficulty of coping
with a life without husband. I do
understand, but alls futile are we are way
too digressed in our thought process and
actions.
Things would be normal if we can just
create two private spaces in the same
house, wherein each one of us can have our
private life yet be there in times of
crisis. Looking for such an apartment
which fulfils all this criteria,hoping its
a great solution.what do u think?
Anyone else here who would have changed an
apartment for MIL, i guess better than
changing a whole lifestyle which is not
going to help.
aint it?
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-13-08 09:28am
That is a brilliant idea! I glad you can
afford it.
I’m in contact now with a lady whom has
years of experience with depression, and
she will probably be able to give some
advice on how to deal with your MIL’s
negative thoughts. I think she’s a
supporter/ moderator here as well. Great
woman.
You might want so suggest to your MIL that
you put up a special place in her
apartment in memory of her husband. Maybe
a little table where she could put some
photos and some things that belonged to
him like his wedding ring. Buy her a nice
vase to put on the table and see to it
that she always has fresh flowers in it.
Good luck to you, Sweetie, and let us know
if you need any support, advice or a
shoulder to cry on.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 481 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 123
Thanked:142
Posted: 05-13-08 10:48am
Hi, Bijnil. I’ve asked Birch to take a
look at your posts as well. She is a
mature, intelligent and sober thinking
lady. I’m going to be a little busy the
next two weeks, but I’ll pop in here as
often as I can. Promise.
I’m leaving you in very good hands
though.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
Hi Bijnil and Beline, I read your
conversation and I think Beline you gave
some good advice!
A few comments that came to mind:
~What does your MIL do for leisure? Does
she engage in any meaningful activities?
She might have just cared for your FIL and
now that he's gone she has no direction.
~She may be feeling guilty about living
with you, and it manifests itself as her
treating you terribly.
~Have you spoken to your husband about
this? What has he said?
I think separate but together apartments
are a really great idea, and I like how
you are trying to break the ice. What is
the old saying, "Kill it with kindness" or
something?
In the end, her behavior towards you says
more about her character than your own.
If you are honorable, no one can fault you
for that.
