I feel deeply disturbed by my mental state when it comes to sex and relationships, I started having sex at young age about 14 and I was made fun of for the size of my penis which affected me alot. It never grew very much which could be the source of all my problems but I feel Ive gone to another level than most people. I watch alot of porn, mostly just regular hardcore but sometimes I like bondage, BDSM, extreme stuff because I feel that I cannot please a woman normally and my sexual worthiness cannot be rated based on normal aspects, but on my level of perversion and thats why i feel a certain comfort when watching or imaging vulgar sexual acts. I am extremely paranoid in relationships, i spy on and follow my girlfriends (when i have one), I think angry and often violent thoughts and react violently when I think of us having sex because I can always imagine her having sex with a bigger, stronger man with a larger penis and having extreme orgasms, which builds feelings of hate and blind rage and causes me to go out into the streets and look for a target on which to release my anger, ive sometimes burnt myself or put myself in life threatening situations, and sometimes I just masturbate to these thoughts of my girlfriend having sex with someone else and me getting beaten and forced to watch. I also get very cold and angry when an attractive woman talks to me because I move to the future in my head where I would often say something uncomfortable or stupid and embarrass myself therefore to save myself from failure I develop anger towards these women simply because they remind me of my inabilities, I have even gone to the level of sleeping with transexuals because I felt that since they have something to be embarassed about, they will not judge me, I have often engaged in very disgusting sexual acts with a partner and then became angry at them because i felt dirty, even though it isnt their fault. so I am young, in my early twenties and attractive to make it worse (I wish i wasnt so I wouldnt feel as bad). most of the time I avoid attractive women because just looking at them can turn the rest of my day into a violent rage in which I might hurt others and or myself., ive never been satisfied with sex because I can feel the woman being turned off by my patheticness, and I want this anger to stop. sometimes I feel that there is a force of evil controlling me and that these angry feelings deriving from sexual subjects are fueling that force and producing thoughts of hurting or sometimes even killing women, I believe that I need serious help, can someone tell me what you think.
You have answered your own question. You are having thoughts of violence and fantasies of violence. Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist? These thoughts sound like they may have an obsessive quality to them. Whether you will act on these thought is not something I can tell you. It is clear that you are struggling with this and need to see a professional for help.
you are half the way better man.. you have acknowledged you have a problem.. sounds like you do an enormous amount of projecting your probs onto other people. maybe see a sexual psychiatrist and get it sorted.. good luck
This should be enough for you to know that you need to talk to someone!
A sex therapist might be a good option (one with a ph.d, not just anyone who likes to talk about sex) or just a regular psychologist. They will help you deal with your thoughts and behaviors better. You sound like a genuinely nice guy, and you know that you need to get help for this. You can't continue having relationships if you are going to feel this way towards your girlfriends- that's not healthy for them or for you!