I've been married for 21 years to a man who has OCD and has narcissistic personality disorder that I'm finding it difficult to live with. Ever since my first child was born 16 years ago, he's been putting me down in front of strangers or staff (we have a business together), he also belittles me and snaps for no reason, he's manipulative, controlling on every aspect I do, disrespectful, patronising, that I'm beneath him and signed away my rights the day we signed our marriage certificate, threatening to bury me under the patio if ever i ask for alimony. I'm always walking on eggs shells and if i want to discuss things with him and ask him a question, he'll explode into a rage, this question myself whether I'm stupid for asking such a silly question. He loves to tell whoever listens that he wished he had no wife or kids and he'll be a millionaire by now (he'll say it happily when the kids are around), he has no concept of the things he says can be hurtful and disrespectful to us. It's like he's living in his own bubble, what he says and do matters matter more than anything else, whether we like it or not, yet if it was reversed and i challenge him as a person he'll go into a huff. Talking to him is like a brick wall, it doesn't get through to him and if it does, it doesn't last long. I have no friends, they all seem to abandon me, partly because I'm very shy, timid and awkward, relationship with my family are futile, my parents were also abusive to me as a child and i've got no-one to turn to. My confidence and self esteem are at an all time low, the only thing that keeps me going are my kids. I was diagnosed with diabetes 2 years ago yet he never ask how i'm coping, he never comes to the hospital with me because he doesn't want to pay parking charges. He's a miser, he moans day and night yet he's bubbly and fun around my family, his friends or strangers. The only person who understands my frustration is my 16 year old son who he's been verbally abused by his father before so he knows how it feels like. He adores my 13 year old daughter and she'll be devastated if we divorced yet he'll ignore her when he's in his moods. Financial wise, he holds the purse strings and one thing in life that makes him happy is MONEY so if I was to take that away from him, he'll fight tool and nail to keep his hard earn cash. Suggesting counsellor would be impossible as English isn't his first language, sometimes I wish i had the courage to end this marriage or end this life, triple dose my insulin but I've got my kids to think of. I'm scared of his outbursts and of the consequences of getting a divorce. I can't stop crying...
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