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maybe schizophrenia

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maybe, maybe not, and either way i don't intend to do anything about it, but i'm kinda curious.

it is true that my imagination is extremely active, possibly overactive. i have a BA in literature with a concentration in creative writing. i knew the alphabet by the time i was 3, and read books to my kindergarten class (which my teacher thought i had memorized). i've always been "the smart kid" and i'm very creative, so really i'm lucky and i'm not complaining. but intelligence and creativity are not symptoms of schizophrenia, so i'll try to stay focused.

i am easily distracted. i can be intensely focused on one thing, but for a short period of time. once i lose interest, it's hard for me to gain it back. other times, it is difficult to pull myself out of focus on one thing, even if i am aware that i need to do something else. my thoughts are consistently multiple, like i'm thinking ten things at one time, and it feels very overwhelming. sometimes i get so many ideas at once that i imagine i have already fulfilled all of them, and so i accomplish only a fraction of what i intend to do because i think i've already done it, and having to do it again would also be overwhelming. it feels like my brain is full, like it's trying to expand, and i'm kind of convinced that it is expanding in a way. i'm certain that my mind is capable of many paranormal-like things, like telekinesis and telepathy, but i'm just afraid to give into the abilities. last thanksgiving i was in the bathroom for a ridiculous amount of time, just staring at a basket of towels because i was certain that that was the night that i'd move something with my mind. i'm honestly not sure if i did move it or not, because when you stare at something for a long time it turns into an optical illusion. i do that a lot, though - i'm so sure i could do it. but i worry about what other people would say or do or think if they saw it. i've also always felt like i had a very high intuition; i can read people and situations very deeply and accurately. lately, it seems a bit more predominant and powerful, like i can literally read thoughts. it's no longer just a general sense, but a specific and clear premonition/understanding. one night i dreamed that i was in my sister's car and she crunched the hood into the facade of a building: the next day she called my mom to say that driving scares her. as a kid, my grandmother had a dream that her brother's hand was sticking out of the ocean and he told her he was gone, and her mother told her it was just a nightmare: the next day they learned that he had gone down with his ship in the war. she also frequently sees and speaks with the spirits of her dead siblings in her house. when one of my cousins was young, he repeatedly left a large branch (like a club or a bat) on the side of my aunt's bed, and she kept removing it. but he continued to place it right by her bed. that went on for probably a week or two, and then one night some man broke into my aunt's house and tried to attack her. she hit him with the branch. just recently, my five year old cousin was at the home of a woman she had never met before and there were two birds on the yard. she's a creative kid, and she was making up a story about the birds. someone asked her what the birds' names were, and the two names she gave were the first and middle names of the woman's dead son. some kind of clairvoyance runs on my mother's side of the family. and since i've brought up genetics, my father's aunt had schizophrenia. but that is the extent of what i know about her.

i can still clearly remember my thoughts from childhood. they never faded. i don't know if that is anything abnormal, really, but i find it pretty interesting. some people remember very little, and i'd say they're not old enough to be so forgetful. but i remember so clearly, like i'm still there. like i've been me, this way, for all of my life, but i haven't, you know? i was always afraid to get up to use the bathroom at night. i remember doing it once, when i was about 7 or 8, because i thought it was silly that i couldn't do it. i went out into the dark hallway, and i tried so hard not to look into the living room. i remember specifically trying to stay focused on walking into the bathroom, but i couldn't resist looking up. i remember seeing, in the darkness, people sitting on the couch and on the bench by my father's keyboard. they were just sitting. and i ran back to my bed. i couldn't sleep with the door closed, and i had to have my mother sit in a chair right outside the door until i fell asleep. some nights she would tell me that our dog was going to sit in the chair instead. i had two large stuffed toys that were used to hold the door open and guard the bedroom. i remember one night (i was somewhere around 6 or 7 years old) when the door closed, and the humpty dumpty lamp flipped on and started to play the humpty dumpty tune. i screamed for my dad. i can't rationally figure out why that would have happened, and i also can't understand how my parents didn't think that was any sort of problem. maybe there was something wrong with that house. i was also very afraid of my parents' bedroom closet - i had seen the glowing, beating heart of E.T. in there. i knew he lived in there. oddly enough, i loved that movie, but even so i was so terrified of that room. there was a little coneheaded boy that used to appear around my backyard, and a wooden marionette shaped like a typical coneheaded alien would run alongside our car whenever we traveled quickly (usually on the parkway, or on any high-speed road in a wooded area). i remember that her name was fifi. the boy did not have a name, and he wore a purple cape and was very pale. i told people that my imaginary friend was rolph from the muppets, but that wasn't even true.

now i am very preoccupied with the things that go on inside my head. i have "inner company" that is so real to me, it distracts from what is considered to be reality. i also find myself more and more frequently being some kind of stuck - and this is a big part of the reason why i started to seriously wonder if i have schizophrenia, because i recently read about catatonic tendencies associated with schizophrenia - especially when i'm in the shower or just in the bathroom in general. it's like i'll suddenly become aware of the fact that i've been doing absolutely nothing. and i have no concept of time when this happens. i'm often running late because i can't get myself out of the bathroom. i stand with my face very very close to the mirror and closely examine every pore of my face, and in my head i yell at myself to move, just move, just go, just walk away, but i don't. i have insomnia that is often either exacerbated by a conversation with people in my mind that i just can't get out of, or it is ameliorated by putting myself into the character of someone else so that i may fall asleep. my mind just won't shut up, even when i'm dead tired. i get up at 5:30 in the morning five days a week to get to work by 7 and work an 8 hour day, so i should be exhausted by 10pm. and i am exhausted by 10, but i just can't get to sleep. i always think of something to do or to talk about. i may clean out my closet, or change my sheets, or sew, or write, or just talk for hours about my philosophies or some situation that has never and will never actually occur that exists only between myself and these people that i talk to. and i make up different identities for myself when i talk to them - i am never "my name" when i'm doing this, which is very, very often. even when i'm talking to real people, i'm usually thinking about the unreal people. a lot of the time i hurt them, but mostly just so i can make them feel better. i care about them a lot, and many times when i'm talking to them and i realize that they aren't real, like i'd forgotten, i feel upset. i apologize to them for wasting their time. i also get thoughts (that i'm sure others have) where i have this strong urge to do something completely antisocial or irrational, and they have been increasing in intensity. when i was in school, i'd find myself talking to a teacher and contemplating extensively about what would happen if i were to reach out and slap them in the face. but over time it became less of an innocent curiosity and more of an urge that i needed to put effort into fighting. i've come so close to giving in at times that it was simply a matter of a last-second realization that i really shouldn't do whatever i was about to do. a little girl-sounding voice once told me to pour a glass of chocolate milk on my friend's couch. at the last second before i would have tilted my wrist to pour it, i simply said aloud, "pour it on the couch," and the urge was squelched. nowadays, whenever i stop at a traffic light, i get this intense thought in my head, though i do feel like i have some control over it still, that tells me to drive into the middle of the intersection; that if i were just to roll out into the cross traffic that i'd discover something enlightening, like nothing bad will happen and it will give me the last piece of the puzzle of existence. i call it "chickening out" at the last second, but is the abortion of action on what is typically considered a bad idea really a "chicken" move? isn't that a "good decision?" but somehow i am still a coward. i'm too afraid to be fully enlightened, and i wish i weren't. i'm otherwise afraid of nothing. why should i be afraid to completely open my mind and spirit?

i just realized that i've been typing for a very long time. my social skills are also, lately, a bit off: i feel more emotionally detached, yet more spiritually connected with the world. like i said, i feel so close to some form of powerful enlightenment, but i'm still afraid to give in entirely. i do often believe that i am being harshly judged by others. sometimes when i hear bits of conversation out of context, i worry that it is about me, that people are talking about me, and that they think i'm weird or crazy.

i have a lot more to say, but i'll cut myself off. i could easily go on and on.
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replied December 1st, 2009
i'm no doctor but i think u might have schizophrenia u should look into some more examples and match up some of your incidents and see if that helps Smile
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