Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

Married but in love with another woman - the love of my life (Page 1)

Hi,

I am posting this in an effort for some help and support. I am 35 years old, I have been married for 5 years and have a 2 yr son and a 3 week old son.

When I was 14, I fell in love for the frist time very deeply. This girl and I dated for two years and it was a really intense relationship for our age. She eventually ended our relationship - more because she was a time in her life where she wanted to be more with her friends. I never really got over her. We would reconnect through a coffee or email over the next 10 years or so. At one point I had hope we would get back together in the late 90s but nothing ever happened. She married in 1999 and I in 2004. I never stopped thinking about her.

My marriage had been rocky from the beginning but my wife was and is a wonderful and caring person. We don't communnicate well and often have had conflicts we didnt recover well from. When my first son was born in 2007, he had some serious feeding issues that took a toll on our marriage. While i felt I devoted all my time and effort to our family, my wife pushed me away. I tried hard to find solutions and I was very emotional..my wife felt I wasn't stable. In order for me to be ok in the marriage, I shut down and stopped communicating.

In February of this year, I messaged this old girlfriend through facebook. We started chatting and decided to meet for a drink. She was just coming out her really bad marriage. Our connection was still there for eachother and I felt incredibily drawn to her. It wasn't long before I realised I was still in love with her. Shortly thereafter I found out my wife was pregnant with our second child (he would have conceived the weekend before I messaged her on facebook). For whatever reasons..wrong reasons..we couldn't stay apart. She had been my best friend when we were young and she became that again. I fell deeply in love with her and still am today. She is the love of my life.

Throughout this time, things have not been great with my wife for obvious reasons. I recognise my behaviour is wrong and I am carrying an incredible amount of guilt. I have told my wife about my feelings for this girl but not the extent of the relationship. My wife and I aren't able to see on how to create a situation best for the kids outside of us being together. We have not been intimate and I have expressed my doubts about being able to remain in the marriage. I am just so torn up about what do to about the children. Leaving the marriage with two young kids is not great - i don't have any support for friends and family and that would not change anytime soon. And even if I did want to put the marriage back together, I don't know even where to begin because I was completely honest, I doubt my wife would forgive me. I do believe she still cares for me a lot and wants our family to work. I am so consumed with guilt and emotion either way that I am paralised. I fear giving up the girl I love so much will constantly cause my heart to break and never truly be able to move forward and staying in the marriage would be really hard. If I leave the marriage, what kind of person and father can I be and will I forever be horrified with what I have done to my small boys. I have no peace and don't know how to find any peace. I'm not ducking what I have done to myself and how I am sufferring but I'm heartbroken either way.

Thanks for listening
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First Helper I2HAveiSSUes
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Users who thank arrowhead94 for this post: dondorah 

replied November 14th, 2009
Experienced User
Hi,

I understand the feelings of having someone cherished come back into your life. I will add this cautionary note: Sometimes it's not very real when the other person behaves as if they are on the same page as you. Clearly, this woman from the past is someone you carry a torch for her. From how you tell it, it seems like you have a lot of emotions focused on this friend. She may not and probably does not carry the same torch for you. The reason I say that is that you found her; You were the one who sought her out. I went through something like this and the other person sounded grateful and said many wonderful things, and she also didn't feel the same as me--as it came out later. Just be cautious about investing yourself in this woman who you really don't know that well after so many years. She maybe using you. I know you don't want to hear that, but it could be true.
I think the aforementioned subject is basically separate from your marriage difficulties. It sounds like it's a very unhappy marriage. I definitely understand the concerns about breaking up given the children. I won't give advice on this. I think discussing this issue with a therapist is your best bet.

Good luck.
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Users who thank PS39 for this post: dondorah 

replied November 15th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
You know pursuing this other girl is wrong. Your infatuation with the old girlfriend is obviously taking energy that you should be using to fix your marriage. The time for the other relationship has come and gone. You need to look forward and concentrate on the responsibilities you've taken on in your life before you fail in them. If you can't see a path to take towards a working marriage you should strongly considder a marital counselor
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Users who thank W0LF for this post: dondorah 

replied November 17th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Messaging this girl was wrong in the first place...if you'd never messaged her you wouldn't be in this situation would you? There is a guy I'd absolutely love to talk to and message just to see how he's doing and what he's up to, but I KNOW that it would cause problems and I love my bf very much, WHY would you walk into that sort of temptation? You made a promise to your wife...you seriously want to RUIN a marriage to your wife and split your family apart for a girl that it clearly didn't work out with the first time around? Good luck buddy
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replied November 18th, 2009
You are not the first and will not be the last to go through this but let me give you some advice. Before I met my husband, I had a wonderful, exciting fling with a man that I worked with. Our conversations were exhilarating, the sex was FANTASTIC, etc. My husband is the exact opposite. He is a GREAT guy but very boring. At times, I would sneak off and visit the other guy. I thought I was in love with the other man. That was until I got to know him. He was absolutely dreadful. We still had great convos but I realized I did not wasnt to leave my husband for grass that I THOUGHT was greener. It's never greener on the other side. I would say it's not a good idea (seeing that the other woman just got out of a bad relationship- I spell REBOUND)to pursue a relationship with the other woman. People change with time. You're holding on to a memory..the way things were. Your memory is not reality. Just think before you make an irrational decision. God Bless.
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replied November 20th, 2009
Supporter
i've been on this website for almost a year and i came across many married men and women in your situation. all of them ended up bad.
your not leaving your wife because your not getting along, the second reason is you have a strong interest in another women that you want to pursue. so in other words you think the grass is greener on the other side.

i also experience something like this, where i had communication issues with my ex at the time a women was showing him interest. 2 1/2 years later im in a happy relationship and he is miserable and begged for me back.
you can leave your wife, but i can tell you the outcome. if you dont mind i m going to direct you to the people who were in your situations on this site in hope it can help you.
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replied July 20th, 2013
Sanctimonious C U Next Tuesday
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replied November 26th, 2009
I'd love to know how this ends for you, because I'm in the same boat. I can't give you advice, just support. My best friend from high school days and I were in love, but neither of us expressed it as we did not want to 'ruin' the friendship. We both got married young to people we hardly new, and my husband made me break contact with my bf. Over a decade later we found each other again on fb (Damn you fb to hell!!!) and all the truth about how we really felt for one another all those years came out. The friendship is as strong now as it ever was, and much more. Both marriages suck, and we both have a small child (3 and 7). Our spouses want to work things out, and we just want to be together. But, how can we do that to our families? good luck to both of us!
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replied December 2nd, 2011
Well guys, here's my 2 cents worth. There are high school sweethearts that reunite years later and they make it great! Some don't. Regardless of someone else being "in the pic", I say you need to get a divorce. Do things right, you'll get your time with your children, they'll adjust, they do it every day. If you love them & want what's best for them, you'll divorce. Point to ponder, do you want to see them grow up happy with happy parents, or grow up in an environment of 2 unhappy, bitter, resentful, cheating, possibly violent, etc., etc.? You get the picture. And you have to face the facts, some women just can't be happy & satisfied!!!! BTW, I am a "non typical" female, 47 3/4 very, very wise years of age!
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Users who thank I2HAveiSSUes for this post: dondorah 

replied December 3rd, 2011
Hello. I must say that eventhough you feel this "love" for this woman, you need to understand it is an infatuation. Everyone remembers their first love, and seeing that you are having maritial issues, you go back and relate on that feeling you feel is missing from your marriage now. You may think you are deeply in love with this old flame, and you may be. But you need to think logically before people get hurt. Think, if it was meant to be, it would have at that time. For certain reasons, you guys broke apart and moved on. Now, she didn't have these feelings that you still felt when you guys first started talking again, so why all of a sudden is she showing an interest now? I understand the communication levels between you and your wife are almost non-existant, but you need to at least try, from both ends, to make it work out if the marriage is salvagable. Don't stay together for the kids, those types of marriages are always the worst, and the children grow up seeing their parents in a loveless relationship that can affect them in the longrun. Divorce because it can't be mended, not with the hopes of ending one relationship to end another. You seem to be looking for the love from an old flame that you are missing in your marriage, I dont really think you are in love with this woman still, but you are in love with the fact that you used to feel this way. Your in love with love. Talk to your wife, see what steps you can take in making it better. Talk to this old girlfriend, and tell her how you feel and see her reactions. Make sure you do it right though and do not cheat on your wife. Why cheat when you can always divorce? Then there is no blame game on who was the bad guy and no hard feelings!
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replied February 1st, 2012
Ok.. I'm in an almost identical situation. My school sweetheart and I reconnected after many years and neither him nor I ever stopped loving each other, even though he saught me out does not mean I love him any less!!! So that doesn't mean your girlfriend loves you any less. I was married for 29 years but like you was never in love! I just went with the flow cause it was the right thing to do, stayed for the kids...bla bla!! If I had it to do all over again I would of ended my marriage yrs ago!! Matter of fact my grown children wished I would of divorced when they were young! Younger kids adapt more, my grown adult kids had a harder time. My boyfriend and are are truly in love, soulmates!! Beyond a shadow of a doubt and no one could tell me otherwise!! Do not stay in a marriage that u dont wamt to be in just for the kids. You will always be there father and in their life you can make there life just as happy or even better then it would of been if you stayed married. If it works out with your girlfriend great of not life goes on.. Life is too short and you only get one!!! By the way my boyfriend is also married with small children and in a marriage he doesn't want to be in. We and I say (we) are in the process of planning his divorce, finances, custody, all of that isn't easy. It wasn't easy for me, but I can tell you I am happier now then I've ever been!! I wish you all the best!
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replied April 22nd, 2012
MistyGirl, I want to thank you and other people who have overcome marital relationship issues. I served 29 years and retired from the U.S. Marine Corps 4 years ago. I've been married for 21 years. My wife has always been ashamed of me. She cheated on me in the late 1990's while stationed in California. Since then, no communication, intimacy etc. I just accepted it and went with the flow cause it was the right thing to do, stayed for the kids. I've been sleeping by myself in a room in my own home for the past 5 years.

Two years ago, I met a woman who has integrity, honest, who I admire, trust, makes me laugh, smile, understands and continues to support me and what I have done for the Military. I have communicated more with her in 2 years than in my 21 year marriage. We are in love. As a father I will always be in my grown son's and daughters lives. You're absolutely correct, life is too short and you only get one. I can tell you I am happier now more than I've ever been. I wish you both the best! Thank you.
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replied April 7th, 2012
Wow. This was so good for me to read today. My heart is aching from a similar situation, and reading your responses has given me something to focus my obsessions on. I would like your advice.

I'm a 51 year old man in a 27 year marriage to a 48 year old woman. You can see by our ages that we married young. Together, we established a happy thriving home environment, and guided our three children (22,21,1Cool to accomplishment-laden, promising young adulthoods. We are both proud of the life we have established.

The problem is, during the raising of the children, we both encountered "other people". Her bad choice took the form of spending the night in bed with our friend and Godfather of our daughter and making advances to him in the morning that eventually ended in a stalemate. This took place about a year after a guy from her teenage years fell in love with her and she was "confused" but eventually cut off the relationship because I gave her an ultimatum.

About a year after that happened, I began falling for a woman from work (currently 41, on her second marriage, 2 kids 7 and 5) and we had a fun, flirty, friendship for about 3 years. When I accepted an offer from another company, it was clear that she had feelings for me, as I had for her, but neither of us fully declared our love for each other. At that time, she was recently divorced (which I helped support her through). Not seeing each other week in week out was going to be hard for both of us.

Fast forward to today. She and I have remained in contact through business for the last 17 years and recently met for dinner where it became apparent that we had renewed chemistry. Her energy was daring and seductive (i.e., she gave me her hotel room key, we hung out there and did a little partying and even just watched a tv show together). My energy was joyful and exuberant. I gushed on her about how much I delight in her presence. I spent most of my energy holding back declaring my undying love for her. The encounter reignited all of my past feelings for her, and I even had thoughts of making a commitment to divorce my wife and plan to move to be near her. She talked about the importance of compatibility and how she doesn't feel compatible with her husband, and posed the question "who says you have to stay married to the person you raised the children with? Why couldn't it be that the person that's right for you is someone you meet in your 20s who is married to someone else at the time?"

So, I need your advice. Because of the previous betrayals from my wife (and two others that I did not detail here), I have a lot of unexpressed anger. I also have anger that she is not interested in me sexually (3 times in 2 years) and that I make 95% of our take home income while I support her artistic pursuits that generate no income.

My current plan is to:

1. find out if "the other woman" is considering marrying me and would be open to "taking it to the next level" with me;

2. proceed with divorcing my wife;

3. consider relocating to be closer to my friend.

What do you think?

Kinda Blue Kinda Hopeful
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replied April 19th, 2012
...27 years is a long time to give up on woman based on the fragility of the heart. i may not be as old as you but i know that practiced and entertained emotional cheating for the means of 'feeling special' was wrong on both your parts. she initiated the cheating but to lose sight of one anothers needs and seek outer refuge in a weakened partnership lends a great deal more to inner dissatisfaction. my thoughts are this.

the relationship seems unsalvagable, but since her infidelity have you really worked through understanding the motives behind hers and your curiosity in extra matiral relations. have you discussed your feelings and addressed what can aleveate the pain?
or is it that you both have ground up all the ill thoughts and emotions and added it to a burn pile you intend to set aflame when you find other people to carry the burden of making you feel special.

others do not make or uplift you. their behaviors promote you to emote and carry yourself according to how you wish to feel.

i realize the hardship or self affirmation, but running of to someone else based on sexually tantalizing events and flickers of chemistry only retain that you have the ability to once again find yourself infatuated with an idea. not a person.

connections do not make a relationship strong. a healthy outlook of ones self and another are what make these types of things last. ignore the sexual component and focus on what is strong and intertwining between two. Mental capacities, physical carraige, and emotional stability. love is the promise of due loyalty to an individual, a combination of mental physical and emotional that is unifying, bonding. it does not carry the burdens of others to uplift their spirits, but supports that they carry their weight and manage it well for the both of you.
if you cannot make these to your wife or reflect and realize that you cannot for this woman. be with neither. moral capacity will be strengthened and as an individual you will understand fully your own worth and others can sense that.

on this lady on the side. think about it, shes had a few marraiges, she must be able to scout and entrance men if she can get two rings. another note is that both those marraiges have ended. so shes looking for something, maybe something unattainable. she is easily guided by her emotions because she can allow herself to wander off into fantasies of you through flirtations at the office. she is whimsical. she may be strong in many areas in her life, have passions and goals and seem very strong but women are clever to hide such things.
as humans we either create an illusion of what you want others to percieve of you or manifest a delusion of what you think you are or wish to be.

point being, there is a past that has brought us to this moment in time and an idea from that which will either entice or move us to be somewhere that we want to be in the future. you, all and i are caught in this. seems shes been letting life drag her, you as well, your wife the same. move yourselves, this is your life, just take caution and be mindful of your actions for the best parts of you annd not the immediate.

its feel so much better to make something beautiful than be given something beautiful. there is a lot more to invest in when something is earned.

find happiness, i hope it becomes you in the best possible way.
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Users who thank d0f1 for this post: dondorah 

replied April 19th, 2012
...27 years is a long time to give up on woman based on the fragility of the heart. i may not be as old as you but i know that practiced and entertained emotional cheating for the means of 'feeling special' was wrong on both your parts. she initiated the cheating but to lose sight of one anothers needs and seek outer refuge in a weakened partnership lends a great deal more to inner dissatisfaction. my thoughts are this.

the relationship seems unsalvagable, but since her infidelity have you really worked through understanding the motives behind hers and your curiosity in extra matiral relations. have you discussed your feelings and addressed what can aleveate the pain?
or is it that you both have ground up all the ill thoughts and emotions and added it to a burn pile you intend to set aflame when you find other people to carry the burden of making you feel special.

others do not make or uplift you. their behaviors promote you to emote and carry yourself according to how you wish to feel.

i realize the hardship or self affirmation, but running of to someone else based on sexually tantalizing events and flickers of chemistry only retain that you have the ability to once again find yourself infatuated with an idea. not a person.

connections do not make a relationship strong. a healthy outlook of ones self and another are what make these types of things last. ignore the sexual component and focus on what is strong and intertwining between two. Mental capacities, physical carraige, and emotional stability. love is the promise of due loyalty to an individual, a combination of mental physical and emotional that is unifying, bonding. it does not carry the burdens of others to uplift their spirits, but supports that they carry their weight and manage it well for the both of you.
if you cannot make these to your wife or reflect and realize that you cannot for this woman. be with neither. moral capacity will be strengthened and as an individual you will understand fully your own worth and others can sense that.

on this lady on the side. think about it, shes had a few marraiges, she must be able to scout and entrance men if she can get two rings. another note is that both those marraiges have ended. so shes looking for something, maybe something unattainable. she is easily guided by her emotions because she can allow herself to wander off into fantasies of you through flirtations at the office. she is whimsical. she may be strong in many areas in her life, have passions and goals and seem very strong but women are clever to hide such things.
as humans we either create an illusion of what you want others to percieve of you or manifest a delusion of what you think you are or wish to be.

point being, there is a past that has brought us to this moment in time and an idea from that which will either entice or move us to be somewhere that we want to be in the future. you, all and i are caught in this. seems shes been letting life drag her, you as well, your wife the same. move yourselves, this is your life, just take caution and be mindful of your actions for the best parts of you annd not the immediate.

its feel so much better to make something beautiful than be given something beautiful. there is a lot more to invest in when something is earned.

find happiness, i hope it becomes you in the best possible way.
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Users who thank d0f1 for this post: dondorah 

replied April 21st, 2012
Thank you dOf1. I will take your words to heart. I am off my major emotional reaction after 3 weeks and am beginning to get my priorities straight. I will stay the course. Thank you again....and good fortune to you!
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replied April 27th, 2012
please know i am on your side, through the preaching i have a more solomn stance in my own moral dissonance that is very hard to wrap my head around. I am a very reasonable and logic based personality, emotions are more of a confusion and hindrance, however, i do know that if you are not happy and you find the hoplessness to be bleeding from your very soul. Do what makes you happy.

youll be better for yourself and world for it. nevermind the banter of a stranger. i should have prefaced my first comment with that very fact.

again, well wishes and a thanks for those given.

D
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Users who thank d0f1 for this post: dondorah 

replied February 9th, 2013
I cut it off with the other woman. It was painful painful painful but I absolutely know it was the right thing to do. I have seen my life improve in all areas: health, outlook, wife, work, friendships, mainly my relationship with myself. I still think about her all of the time, but instead of wondering what I should do next, I simply think back on the relationship and appreciate what I valued about it. Each time I don't act to keep it going, I know it is an investment in my own happiness. I thank this forum for helping me through this.

May you all find peace by detaching from the other.
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replied July 3rd, 2013
Just passed my 1 year anniversary from the separation. I am happier. Thanks again to this forum!
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replied May 11th, 2012
wowee
It is so refreshing to read human stories about human people. Follow your hearts and divorce if that's best, I say.
I'm so sick of judgmental haters. I've always been faithful to my husband but when i was coming of age I was a little flirty and went through some minor growing experiences, but not so much as a one night stand with a guy w/ gf. But still WOMEN in oregon where I leave are catty, gossipy, lying **tches I told them my small past so they wouldn't hate me but now they hate me more. (I have inferiority complexes big time). Crazy!!! Then there's me....mature, open-minded, live and let live. I HATE women but I like the sound of some of you women on here. Geezus.
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replied May 17th, 2012
Here is my story...I have been married or 22years to a beautiful woman who was diagnosed with cancer and may only have a couple of years to live. So, by the time I am 50yrs old I will be widowed. I recently ran into a former collegue that I use to work with. back then it would be harmless flirting and nothing ever happened. Our jobs let us go in different directions. I recently spoke to her and found out that we shared attractions to one another. I was married at the time and did not consider for one second thinking of starting a relationship or ever divorcing my wife, I was happy. I find myself now being very attracted to her as she is to me. We are both very clear about not taking things to another level, I still love my wife and she respects that. My question is I found my soulmate in my wife and was planning to be with her for the rest of my life but God has different plans for me. i can see myself with this new woman and maybe continuing to be happy once my wife has passed. unfortunately, there is no timetable for my wifes passing, a year or 2 ect..I just feel that it is bad timing for this person to come into my life or maybe its good timing. My motto is "everything in life happens for a reason". So maybe fate will find a way to bring us together later in life or maybe not..
God Bless
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replied June 28th, 2012
My story begins with an adventure of 5 friends who just needed to get away, some single, some not. So we went on vacation, me without my wife. I'm married and have a 4-year old son. I was not that happy in my marriage to begin with, but meeting the person who I met just pushed me over the edge. I wasn't looking, but I was trying to help my friends meet girls because I'm the one with in the group with the big mouth. I met a girl... She was purely a vision and even though I knew it was wrong, I had to talk to her. Her name was Willa and we hung out. I wanted more from her, in fact, I wanted everything from her, but I knew it was wrong. Not to mention that I didn't tell her about my wife back home. We talked, we gazed... we kissed, and in the end, I believed she was my soulmate. I think about her constantly and already cut her off once after coming home because it was, "the right thing to do." Hardest thing I've ever done, probably the dumbest. I don't think Willa wants me, and I don't blame her because I lied to her... And she caught me. But now I've talked to my wife about separation and just don't know if it's worth it. I have a son and I know what the right thing to do is, but I also want to be happy. The hardest part is the uncertainty. I don't know if she wants me. There are many more details to this story, but my question is what should I do? Do I chase something that might not be there? Someone tell me that I'm not taking crazy pills?!
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replied February 9th, 2013
I recommend not chasing something that might not be there. I know it hurts to leave the excitement of the time with Willa, but if you put it behind you, you'll see improvements in your life. I can predict this because I have seen it happen in my own life based on good advice from people in this chat thread. You'll be proud of yourself for feeling the pain but pressing on with your previous vow to love, nurture, and protect your wife and child. When you feel the pain, contact someone you trust to grieve, or simply come back to this website, read others' responses, and recognize that this stuff is difficult. I'm with you man, it sucks....but having talked to others, it sucks worse to see the look on the face of your child when you tell him that you are going to live somewhere else because you love someone else more than you love his mommy. It will change his life significantly forever.

You are smart for turning to this forum. Best of luck.
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replied October 16th, 2012
Reading all of these have inspired me to post my story and reach out to others, something I have been sort of afraid to do. I know this forum appears deserted, but hey I found it so other can as well. First off, I've recently turned 18 (right off the bat at least one person has to be thinking "here we go" but please consider this seriously) and I've been married almost 4 months now right out of high school. I know that was my first mistake, but a lot of people have been there. When you're in the moment you do things. We had a small wedding with family and close friends, but nonetheless it was special. I'm not saying I regret it even though it sounds that way. I love this girl with all my heart and even if it comes to an end, we've admitted we would remain friends. A couple of months ago we moved from my parents house to go to college together and for the past month and a half I've been depressed and it seems to be slowly getting worse. We fight far more than we should and the level of stress is far more than I thought could be possible for people so young. We always make up and try our best but sometimes it isn't enough. It used to be less but now I'm finding it hard to sleep every night because I'm constantly thinking of how my life would be if we were to separate. I know marriage is sacred and I completely feel that way, but I'm basically forcing myself to try and go on. I've never been one to make independent big decisions. I always ask someone else what they think and I believe that's why I'm having such a hard time. It's just my wife, me and a couple friends up here that I have. The worst part of this is that I'm constantly haunted by a girl from my past. And it really doesn't make any sense, even to me, but I believe I'm in love with this girl and have been for a couple years. I first talked to her and met her the summer before my sophomore year and her freshman year in high school. Since then and up until the middle of my junior year, we had been "off and on." She was my first real girlfriend but not serious relationship. She was the first girl that I spent time with outside of school, with my family and my first kiss, but due to our lack of relationship experience and our immaturity at the time, it could never have went anywhere. Also she kind of cheated on me by kissing somebody else which it was sealed our fate because I could never get over that and it's all I would think about when i was with her. So after we broke up for good, I found comfort in her best friend. She had been trying to get over her first serious relationship for about a year and found comfort in me as well. She put off liking me for about a month because she didn't want to betray her best friend and my ex but she eventually gave in and we dated for 3/4 of a year. That was my first serious relationship. In the beginning of it, I despised my ex and couldn't look at her without being literally repulsed. With time, however, I got over it and began to miss her. I talked to her somewhat just because I missed talking to her so much. (During that relationship, we always just texted pretty much. We talked almost 24/7 for that year and a half) so to have some of that back, was comforting. But I was betraying my then current girlfriend so I had to stop. Nearing the end of that relationship, the two of them became friends again though which made that harder on me. When my then current gf hung out with her friends, the other girl included, I was there a couple of times as well. Once actually at that girls house and another at another friends house. Both were really hard because I was once again around my first gf. Finally I had started talking to my wife on a school field trip my senior year and I started to like her because I was unhappy with my then relationship. I never cheated on her nor said anything to my wife about liking her until I ended my relationship but literally the night I ended it, I revealed the truth which I do regret. I should have waited a little while at least to heal and allow my new ex to heal but I didn't. And it took a good while to hear the end of it from the whole school. A lot of people disliked me because turns out I was a douchebag but I was I only doing what I thought was finding happiness. Another bad thing was that my wife is an ex best friend of my first girlfriend (I know right). So a couple weeks into that relationship and I caved and talked to her. I was so confused (who wouldn't be) that I actually broke up with my wife and all out attempted to get my first gf back. However she was in a relationship since about a month after I started dating my first serious relationship girl and I knew that but I used every bit of hope I had and hoped she would be mine again. I was wrong and not really surprised but after that I went back to my wife. All in the same day by the way, actually a few hours (I started to believe the douchebag theory) but she took me back probably due to the fact it was still so early and a lot had happened in so little time. But since then me and my wife have overcome numerous problems and here I am. I miss that girl so much and want to talk to her so bad but I can't bring myself to do it. It's been almost a year since I had talked to her or been around her. I've told myself I'm going to wait out this school year and take it from there but I don't know if I can do that. I'm doing horribly in college because I haven't been attending class. I can't bring myself to really do anything. Our fights are getting worse and so am I. Very few people know what's even been going on with me right now amd only one knows all of this and it isn't my wife. My family doesn't know anything except I haven't gone to class and that's because my wife told my mom in an attempt to help me but my mom hasn't admitted to me that she knows and I haven't admitted anything. I can't keep doing this to myself, my wife and everyone else. I don't want anyone to suffer from this so I keep everything bottled up but that takes a toll on my wife. If I had it my way and nobody got hurt, I'd move back home but get my own place with my best friend (the one that knows everything) and try to talk to my first gf but that seems impossible. I know I'm doing the very thing that i stated in this story but I really feel like I'm stuck. I know nobody can do it for me but just getting this out and receiving support from anyone would help at least a little. Thank you for reading.
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replied December 7th, 2012
Firstly, accept my huge sympathy if you are in love with another woman. There is no greater pain and heartache, and regardless of what you may have done to contribute to this situation, I feel for you. You are now on an emotional rollercoaster of intense pain, guilt and sorrow. You will hurt all of the people you most love, and you will hurt yourself. I write this because I fell so completely and utterly in love with another woman that I cant even put it into words. Over this journey I discovered that this intense love and desire was not about this other woman at all, it was about my broken relationship with my wife.

We had spent years in what was a loveless marriage. We lost our way. I thought she didnt love me anymore. We had no intimacy at all. And then I met this beaustiful woman and fell madly in love, and she gave me everything my wife wouldnt. So I tasted the forbidden fruit, and moved in with the other woman. When I had taken my fill, months later, I was still desperately unhappy. I started to miss my wife, and I missed my beautiful child. I was lucky because my wife never gave up on us, and now we are together again, and after lots of grief and hard work, we have an amazing relationship again. I carry huge guilt from my actions. Guilt at how I hurt my wife so much, and guilt at how I hurt the other woman too - she didnt deserve to be treated the way I treated her.

Anyway, for anyone reading this who is going down the same road, I hope my post will stop you from doing what I did, and save some pain. Again. let me say, I feel for you if you love another woman, the only thing that will get you over that is a huge self discipline. I went right to the edge, and nearly ended my life because I could not see a way out of my predicament, thats how desperate I was. My advice is to try and take some time alone and get some independant counselling. And no matter path you take, there are people you can talk to. Goodluck.
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Users who thank itsnoteasy for this post: dondorah 

replied February 9th, 2013
good for you itsnoteasy! Thank you for sharing your story. It emboldens me to hear your example of how to make it work with the mother of your child. It's brave of you to share your story and admit that you were wrong.

I encourage anyone who is reading this that has been entangled in a relationship with someone who is married to someone else or is not your spouse to admit that you were wrong, that you're sorry, and that you are simply human and doing your best. We are all vulnerable to pain and suffering....embrace it and go hug your spouse and kiss your kids.

Again, thanks itsnoteasy for sending the sign of caution to others. I, too, say STOP. I know it hurts but you must STOP. It will get better. It got better for me.
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