i have bipoler i am 29 years old i had
bipoler since i was a kid . my mom and dad
had me hopitalized when i was 16 chemical
imblanced they said . i was not normal
they said . i had mood swings they said
and i was exsperimenting in risky behavor
like bi sexual tendinsies . but i felt
more angry then anything i felt fine it
was them that bothered me i wanted to live
my life like i want . I get in moods where
i am infensable and there is low mood
swings that i am feeling to give up it is
not worth getting out of bed for.
I am married now and have kids and i feel
worse then i ever did. i feel so weak and
helpless half the time . there is times
when my hubby comes home from working 10
hour days a night in the morning i don'r
get up because of feeling the way i am and
the kids complain to their dad that they
are hungry or thirsty. i feel like why
can't u get it but then i relise that is
why i am there for .
sex wise i want it all the time and when i
don't get it i get angry . anger issues is
not the part it is when i am manic i feel
out of control.. people tell me take your
meds and go to counsciling . i feel that i
am fine with out it i hate the side
effects it is more efficiant to get stoned
then to pop a couple pills to get the same
way i could with a little weed.
I think about that all the time how many
times i was in and out of the hopsital
with drug reactions and over doses . it is
to the point the dr gives me a
perscription i toss it in the trash i tell
my family i do not want pills give me the
weed . let me tork up for a while and be
mellow that is the only thing that can
mellow me out is a nice bong with some
grass in it but then again people tell
me no .
and no is the word i hate so i get pissed
and then start drama where to the point i
have sezuires. I tell my family and
husband to back off and leave me alone i
do not want to be babies nor treated like
a kid .
i tell them i am who i am leave me be . so
i have spending problems and filed for
bank ruptcy and had my ulitilies shut off
for non payment i always get the money and
get it turned back on . it is my life not
theirs and i am not hurting no one i am
happy the way i am and they think they
know better.
so what if i like to go on shopping sprees
and buy things i want then give it away to
people or resell it i can i paid for it
comments i hear is what she is giving
things away no it is mine i can do what i
want with it.i feel rich when i have a
little money in my pocket and i like to go
out to spend it that is my money and
people seem to think my business is their
business and that is when the anger and
depression starts then i feel so low about
my self and horrable . it lasts for a
while to the point i don't wanna eat just
sleep . i think i am fine who i am and
that is all it matters
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Georgia59
Moderator
Joined: 11 Apr 2007 Posts: 5557 Location: Along the Mississippi, USA
Thanks: 90
Thanked:32
Posted: 03-18-08 11:52am
It doesn't sound to me like you think you
are fine, I read a lot of sadness and
desperation. Have you continued to see a
psychiatrist at all? I know you don't
want to take drugs, but they can really
help YOU control your feelings and
behaviors, so you are really doing what
YOU want, not your illness.
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antigone
Moderator
Joined: 27 Jan 2008 Posts: 965 Location: IL
Thanks: 48
Thanked:18
Posted: 03-18-08 22:56pm
Weed is a temporary fix to a life long
problem. It will not help in the end. You
need to seek some help. Go back to your
psychiatrist. Let them tweak the
medications you take. Be honest. Let the
doctor know how they make you feel. There
are ways to help but that will only happen
if you say something to your doc. You need
to feel better. You deserve to feel better
and be there for your family. Hope you
will go back to your doctor and get things
straightened out.
|
CarolDiane
Supporter
Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 2396
Thanks: 111
Thanked:156
Posted: 03-19-08 01:08am
I agree with both of the above. Seek some
help and get started on a new road to
sanity. Theropy really does help.
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lintek
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 03 Aug 2006 Posts: 50 Location: New York
Posted: 03-19-08 09:13am
I too used to hate the medications they
used to give to me. I had such a hard time
taking them because of the horrible side
effects. I denied I even had bipolar and
i"ve been diagnosed with it by different
doctors all at different times.
I'm JUST beginning to agree I have it
after having gone thru 14 jobs in only a
ten year period. I have four children who
are now young adults and unfortunetly at
the time I decided to have children I
didn't know I had bipolar, therefore never
knowing I could pass the genes onto my
children.
each one of them have psycological
problems and I feel so darn guilty about
it.
they have it from both of their parents.
Both their father and from my side of the
family.
they're two maybe 3 are alcoholics and one
has very bad social anxiety and
depression.
to get to the point of the story.
I never thought I could get better. I
really didn't see anything wrong with me
till just this year. I"m now 47. It took
YEARS of denial and suffering and my life
being so darned discombobulated all the
time, never knowing those are all common
symptoms. oh, and not to mention self
medicating myself.
after my divorce I got into snorting
heroin, doing cocaine, drinking too much
and I tried so hard to kill myself but
failed. I woke up in a hospital restrained
to a bed.
it was horrible.
the new drug I was just put on a month ago
is working so well for me....so far
anyway. the only problem I'm finding with
it is that it interferes with my hormone
patch I take for estrogen. I had a total
hysterectomy in 2005 which means I no
longer have ovaries to produce estrogen
anymore. when you don't have estrogen
flowing through our bodies anymore, some
get horrible side effects of not having
it. like me.
I started getting horrible hot flashes
like I did when I wasn't on HRT.
so I did some research and I was NOT told
by my psychiatrist that it possibly would
effect the HRT either. I found out on my
own.
but I"m thinking that maybe I can stand
this side effect compared to all the
others I've tried. this is nothing in
comparison to the others.
you start off on a very low dosage so you
don't get this life threatening rash and
this medication does NOT make you gain any
weight. as a matter of fact, it MAKES some
people lose weight.
it's called LAMICTAL. My dr asked me
what's the harm in trying it? and that I
can always just stop taking it if I can't
handle it. she asked me don't I want to
feel normal?
My answer was "oh GOD YES!!!! I'm tired of
suffering with bouts of rage and telling
people off. the public, doctors,
co-workers, my bosses, etc. you name it, I
tell them off. I just don't have that
inbetween space like others do. I'm either
happy, or I"m not.
there is no inbetween for me. most think
I"m such a happy person who would never
speak out in anger. until they work with
me long enough to see that I have another
side of me. It's like Linda Blair in the
"exorcist". LOL
I'm just joking. I"m not THAT bad.
so my answer if you care, is to try the
medication and the therapy helps
somewhat.
but you have to have a good repoir with
the person. I don't have that right now. I
was given a new one because my other one
left the practice.
exercise really works, so you can take out
your anger on that and plus it starts to
give you energy so you can feel like
wanting to get out of bed. it really
works. I swear. take little baby steps if
you have to. start off by going up the
street and back with the kids. they'd love
to take a walk with you.
before you know it, you'll be going longer
and longer and getting more oxygen and
blood flow to your brain which can set off
natural endorphines that makes us happy
and feel like we're high too.
all these things combined worked for me,
so far.....
I really hope you find happiness or a
place that you can find yourself peace and
comfort. Good luck on your journey.
