So for the past two months I have been growing more and more depressed. Just some facts about me.
-18
-female, 5'9,165
-mixed race
-never had a boyfriend
I am so sad all the tine. I wake up and just cry sometimes. I often wish that I had someone to help me get through this pain and stress that I feel. But I don't. and I never have. I have nevr had a boyfriend. I don't let people in like that. I am attracted to men but I have extremely low self esteem and I do believe that I an ugly and no one will ever.love me. I don't think I'm funny or smart or attractive. lately its been like I can't even focus. It's embarrassing and I feel retarded. I don't have any friends anymore and the only person who has paid attention to me long enough to notic the change in my moods is my older brother and he's worried about me. About two years ago I became dependent on the drug xanax. It last about 3 months and ended with me attempting to kill myself by overdosing on sleeping pills. I didn't want to die. I just wanted to escape. They coated my stomache in charcoal. I realise now that at that time I was very unstable, I was also sleeping around with anyone who told me I was pretty and feeling very down on myself. I had no desire to go to school and eventually I ended up with few ciends and no aquantinces.
That was about 3 years ago. My mom has chronic anxiety and I believe she is manic depressive. Growing up with her ,she never really paid attention to me or my sister. At 9 years old I was looking at porn on the internet and its something that I struggle with now. When i was about 5 or 6 my cousin exposed himself to me and told me to touch it. I think I have carried that with me all my life and I feel as though my innocence was taken from me young. My dad left before I had any real memory of him. I feel like a disgusting shell of a person. I have no self worth. And I don't understand why. I have always found it easier to sink into myself. But when I do that I can't function, I tried this past time to sink into myself to escape all this stress and anxiety buy I couldn't. I have to many stresses and responsibilities. Sometimes I cry while I get ready for work and sometimes I cry as soon as I get home for work. My phone can go days without getting a notification. I'm alone in this ,but I do want to fight it. I don't know what I am expecting from this post. I just feel like I have alot to get off of my chest.
I am socially awkward, i have no friends. Whenever I create friendships I become to reliant on the person emotionally. I know its unhealthy but I am always feeling so unwanted so that whenevrr I open up to someone I have many insecurities. I just want to be normal or as normal as I can be.
Alot of who I am I think comes from my mother. She's put me down a lot and I hate who I am because of it. She blames me for acting out as a child but I do believe that I have a chemical imbalance and I blame her for not giving more patience,love,and affection to her first born child. Easily I've been cast aside and she had new children. But I don't want my past to hold me anymore.
I want the personality that I grew when i was away from her to come back. I've escape that stress just ti be presented with new ones. I'm working on it, but its hard to wake up. It's hard to shower. It's hard to look in the mirror. I dontbhave an eating problem, but I wish I did because I hate my body too!
I don't know what happens to a person to make them as broken as I am, but I'm a sad relic of what could have been. I wan
I h to change that. I've been extremely suicidal lately and think of the different ways I could kill myself. But I keep think back to the last time I almost killed myself. And at that point in my life I was so sick and desperate for an escape. I was just extremely weak. I don't want to give in to that again. But this is the hardest its ever been because now I have to go to work and college. I'm just hoping I get help in time and I'm praying that I'm not actually crazy!
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