I have a theory that a coping mechanism of the build up and prevention of flare ups is to destress by meeting people in pairs or groups and avoiding individual contact with people which causes stress. I have noticed when I have contacted my friend with lupus and it's in a build up to a flare-up (which I don't get told about anymore) - she turns very protective over her own space, she gets almost cheeky if she feels lousy and I find it's best to steer clear or meet up in a group only, not on my own. The problem was: she would then turn to other people in the group and make an individual friend out of them in her build up to flare ups so I knew there must have been an individual problem with me. On gentle confrontation she admitted that a lot of people in our local town mysteriously seemed to know about her condition who she hadn't told and she had put two and two together that I knew a lot of people, and indirectly asked me if I had let me know the news!!!! All I could do was somehow work out that a mutual friend of mine and distant friends in the local town somehow were quite inadmittently spreading news about each of us in a friendly way and had no idea that it was affecting my friend with lupus. So I have stopped all of this by really going carefully about what I tell my friend in the local village so that news about my other friend with lupus doesn't get shared by the village friend to others in the town. Problem almost resolved!!!
What I don't understand is - since we were able to somehow limit news being shared about us (seperately and news about our group meet ups) - I have been able to resolve the problem with her constantly wanting to be friends with and meet up with my younger sister. The way I was able to resolve this was again to gently directly confront my friend with lupus - emphasise that my younger sister and I were in communication and that I needed support from my sister. I gently suggested she made friends in the local walking group and to people in her distant local town, seperate from us, and so far so good it seems to have worked. No more odd insistant meet-ups around the station giving lifts to my sister, discluding me and inviting her back to her house - phew!!! So all that's stopped now - thankfully!
Now, what's happening is: within our social old school friend group - another thing has started happening which I would like to control a bit - she's now talking about me to the others behind my back within the old school friend group! Now so far it's not been particularly hurtful or nasty but I would like to control it before it changes into unbearably nasty. I have stopped my younger sister from meeting my friend with lupus because my younger sister, I don't think really realised that she was actually making the ongoing commentary about me by my friend with lupus unbearable (she used to say I was stupid not being vegetarian, she used to laugh about my lifestyle, she used to dream up anything she could think of and laugh about it behind my back if I'm honest!). So since I stopped the contact between my sister and her, most of this laughing has stopped but it's still going on in a bit of a way. The problem I had with stopping my sister contacting her was my sister felt so sorry for her with her lupus - that I just couldn't make my sister see light that she was actually making the situation worse.
What I don't understand is where all the laugh and the giggles between me amongst my old school group of friends is stemming or originating from. All of them have been into my personal living environment for a cup of tea and have seen where I am living. I have noticed that people from my volunteer work don't seem to collate and laugh about me at all, they are sincere for most of the time. It's just the old school friends who have been in my living environment who seem to laugh about me in a very childish way. Trouble is I have no way of escaping this group and it's meet ups at the moment because it seems the right thing to do to meet up in a group (it's fun for the most part until one specific lass whispers something about me to another friend - the other two friends don't react to the bully).
I don't know how to tackle this particular bully because what she is saying is seeming harmless however it kind of really makes me on edge and really nervous about the situation and I'm really really not enjoying people whispering about me. I just find it really babyish, unecessary and quite immature.
Does anyone know how I can control the odd whispering about me and enjoy being in the group of old school friends meetups?