I lost my Mom the day after I was born due to childbirth complications, toxemia, and an aneurysm. I was raised by both my Dad and my maternal Grandmother, so my Grandma was like my Mom. I never really expressed my feelings of sadness and confusion to my family because I didn't want to make them sad, especially my Grandma. She lost her Dad a week after my Mom so it was a rough time for her. She would always tear up when my Mom would pop up in conversations. I have talked to family about her - what she was like, looking at photos, but I have always kept my feelings bottled in.
I have expressed my feelings with my husband (and best friend), particularly around my birthday/her anniversary and her birthday. However, I still feel a well of pain and confusion and anger pent up deep inside because I have held it in for so long and pushed it down for so long. This has been my reality since day 1, so it's really hard to let go of that sense of loss. I live a normal life, working full time and going to school part time, and have always prided myself in being an optimist. However, there is still this pain held deep within me. I don't think I can ever fully let it go because it is what I know. What is the best way to deal with this? How can I let go of this as much as possible so it's not pent up inside me, even though I have expressed my feelings with my husband numerous times.
Tomorrow is the six year anniversary for my Grandma, which was extremely hard for me since she was both my Grandma and my Mom. I think that is why these feelings are stirring up again.