You're not lost, 15 years ago, I had a spontanious lung collapse, it just "happened". Spent 8 days in hospital. Since then, I've suffered horrible bouts of anxiety, I had to stop motorcycling, because I kept panicing that I was "breathing to much" and was worried I'd faint whilst driving. I stopped driving for 3 years. I get panic attacks even now, just going on motorways. I am scared of heights. I mean terrified..I get almost paralysed with fear looking down 2 flights of stairs. I hate driving home from work alone in the dark.
Whilst I've never experienced what you describe, the almost insane animosity you have to being in a human body and the inability to recongnise what you are when you woke up, I do recognise the fear, the panic.
Essentially, you're suffering from stress, the problem is, you're not recognising when it is happening and you don't know how to get into a safe place when it does. You need to go and keep going to see the psychologist..he can show you how to find a safe place, it's where you can put yourself at ease when these strange attacks occur. My safe place is a cave on a shoreline, near a lighthouse, the wind is blowing gently, a stong breeze perhaps, I can hear the waves breaking on the shore. I feel safe there. It's where I put the fear when the fear grips me. I used to be a soldier, I used to be stong, I need to be stong, my family needs me to be strong. Being afraid is alien to me, it really scares me when I am afraid, because I know it shouldn't.
You need to find this centre, you need to know when you need to do this and you need to learn. Once you've done this, when the moments come, you'll know what to do and how to overcome the fears.
In the mean time, the only thing I can suggest, is to sit down, after reading this, and think of a place which you find calming, a place you feel safe, picture this place and remember it. Use this memory as your safe retreat when you're afraid, when you're safe, you'll be better prepared to understand and breakdown and diagnose what made you afraid and I think, understanding why it is, the best way to stop being afraid. Experience is key, wisdom etc..
What you must not do, is hide away, you need the experience to find the cure, so steel yourself and push into life, when you feel the fear dragging you down, retreat into that safe place, look around at what and why, understand the fear, overcome it and push on again.
As for your questions, what is sight, what is light? Add them to the list...where is forever? If you jumped off the world and just kept going, never hitting anything, where would you end up? To try to encompass these thoughts in your mind is something probably every human or sentient being has tried at some point in thier lives. If it really worries you...don't think about it! Some things can be safely left alone.
