Hey all. After lots of internal debating, i've decided to come to a forum and discuss a chronic anxiety/stress related feeling that i've experienced for a few months now.
To start off, I'm a 17 y/o male, junior year in h/s.
I am involved in various extra-curricular activities such as National Honor Society, Y-Club, Future Problem Solving team, Taekwondo, guitar/piano, and even beekeeping O.o
I've recently left Christianity and am now Atheist(will elaborate on this later), and i please ask that if you do choose to respond, do not include anything that remotely points to a particular religion in hopes of converting or discussing my reasoning, unless you would like to debate. ANYWAYS...
It's hard to actually identify with a word how I feel. It's sort of a hopeless, inadequate sense of insignificance. It's not extreme..sort of, and i'll never be suicidal, but it's completely killing any drive/reason i have to try to pursue what i think is the most fulfilling and productive life. It's funny because i've identified what is making me feel the way I do, (and it isn't absence of religion, more like an absence of purpose if anything) But I'm afraid that i've simply lost control of my mind and i cannot find reason to change the thought patterns i possess. And although sometimes i spontaneously rebound and feel that i'll be fine, i can never shake the former feeling permanently.
This summer, before i was involved in the many activities i currently am in now, I had lots of time on my hands. And being the very curious, persistent person i am, I decided to both research and examine my existence; my thoughts, my emotions, my opinions, my interests, and basically everything that a person builds themselves on. I wanted to examine my core at its fullest in the hope that I would come to a consensus, with my mind and heart, that everything I experienced/percieved had unbiased and unique value, so that i would never appear to be fake, and i would be able to make decisions based on a rock that i created through endless hours of self examination and research. A rock that i would always be sure of, be proud of, and could fall back on in times of doubt. I wanted to spend time to attempt at mastering my emotions and thought patterns. All of my life, i have treasured emotion and feeling, namely happiness, compassion, and understanding, so that I can live the best life that i can, and also help those that seek guidance and a friend in times where their rock had temporarily been submerged with sadness and feelings of inadequacy. All of my life, I have treasured truly connecting with the inner beauty of others... connecting on a mental level of understanding so that both parties always knew that they would never run out of options.. that hope was always there, and even in the darkest of times, more hope would exist, so that they would never give up, and live with a burning desire to inspire and better help others to gain meaning and purpose in his/her own life.
In that search, I found many of the things that I based my whole well being on were based on, in my opinion, ignorance. Pure, cold, ignorance... At least in some aspects... In other aspects, i became a better person, and i appreciated more of what i had, and countless other things i improved in some way or another. But moving back to the ignorance, in it I found reality, or at least what i thought/think it was/is. I immediately left religion behind, finding it as a false reason for bliss. After being raised for 17 years as a Catholic, you can imagine it was a little stressful.
I was always one for many deep conversations about the universe, and i also was a person who questioned every little aspect of myself to add some authenticity to my emotions and decisions. So, I found that our existence had no initial purpose, and that there really is nothing after death. Although i was sad, i faced this and i still try to accept it. However, to combat the feelings of sadness, I filled my head with our current scientific progress, and i found much hope in knowing that aging may in fact be solved, and we could theoretically live indefinitely. I found that the best theory we have for the end of the universe is a flash freeze, where temperature universally goes to absolute zero, a temperature where molecular movement stops, ceasing all life in the universe. I then found out that if we don't blow ourselves up with our own ignorance, and continue to progress, we could eventually change the fate of the universe through use of cosmic sized energy reserves to reverse the possible inevitable fate of the universe.
I know it all sounds a bit farfetched and out there, but there is some truth to it, and to recognize that truth as actual truth is .. weird at best.
Yes, we could exist forever in one of the possible universes of the multiverse of every possible combination of forces. We could make every advancement possible. But to what avail?
I'm not trying to convey a message that because i'm atheist, i have no hope. Many atheists live in complete happiness with their families, bettering society as a whole. Hope can exist without religion, I simply remain unsatisfied. And that is where my discontent lies. No purpose from the beginning, and ultimately, if we even exist forever, a pointless existence at best. Reality seems very distant and almost like a simulation now. A simulation because like, if you have ever played a game, the game exists on a grid, like an internet grid, that never ends and there isn't a finite way of describing things. It simply exists. Do with it what you will, sort of like grand theft auto, when i ran around various cities, randomly doing crimes until i was bored and just turned the game off and just stared at my ps2 for an hour. For some, religion answers the question. For some, even science answers the question. The question is of course: Why? Why this, why that... you know.
Science is a double edged sword, it attempts to explain through reason and observation, both very legitimate ways of proving something to be accurate. And just for the simple fact that it does explain things, some people are okay with this, and put their worries to rest about whatever troubles them. I am almost like this, but I function in a way where i want to know that my actions directly affect an ultimate outcome, and i know that whatever i did, positively influenced and affected myself and others in a way that contributed to a certain final result.
Regardless of what ends up being true, I just am having a hard time continuing on. It's scary because i once thought of myself as a very strong individual, but it's sort of like a flower wilting, and it's like my mind is adamant on subject matter that we only have theories for, not actual legit facts and certainties about. I understand that everything we know could be different in 5 years.. or even 5 minutes for that matter... But all in all, i am just having a very difficult time coping with my constant thought processes of insignicance and inadequacy. I find that sometimes, even when i attempt to get out of the whole, i find that my self image is very damaged, because i am a very harsh critic of myself.
I have found that I am a hard critic because i want to do something in my life, (possibly an acting or music career), that influences others to make positive changes, and it's hard to cope with my imperfections sometimes.
With acting and music, many realize that they are two of the most hardest industries to expect to be at least remotely recognized in. And I currently find that i want to work in an industry that has a very low success rate, so as to further my challenge and motivation.
I just feel very isolated, and i feel that everything i now feel is fake..- synthetic, inadequate, nothing more than a simulation, no worth, and to let that sit and marinade in your mind is maddening in the least. I need other's opinions on the matter, because everyone i am close to does not share the same views or would understand how I feel, trust me.. but anyways...
In conclusion,
I may be setting myself up for failure with unrealistic expectations of reality, and i know that I take many theoretical things as truth. I come here to seek help from you all, for i feel that I am losing my mind. I want a reason to live, a reason that i can always clear doubt with by fully understand its purpose. I know that only I can find the ultimate purpose of my life and It's a lot to ask, but please, share your thoughts of my situation with me. With a very demanding school schedule, it's very difficult to maintain good grades while constantly living with such a burden filled mind. Thank you all very much for reading this enormous wall of text, and im glad i didn't make it longer although i could probably write a book on this.Thank you again for your inputs if you decide to post.
~Dj.
Saving 
