This is going to be drawn out. I feel I need to give a description on how I got myself to this point that i'm at. I know I need some kind of advice because I am losing hope.

For starters, I hate being alone. I try telling myself all the time I'm okay but, I miss having someone to share myself with at nights. Even if there is just silence and we're just laying close together, that's all I need...but, I don't have that anymore. I'm getting very depressed from this all. I'm an extrovert and long to have a fulfilling relationship with someone.

Now, to start the story. I am almost 36 years old and going through a divorce. i'll be divorced to my soon to be ex of 12 years next month. A great guy and we definitely have been through a lot. We're friends but it took us a long time to get to this point that we are at.
The reason for us splitting would be another man. I'm ashamed to admit that and I'm sure I'll hear a lot of backlash and judgement calls, but, I feel I must seek advice. I have clinical depression and currently take zoloft to function on a daily basis. Without it, I don't think i'd be here.
So, back a few years. I came to find out that my soon to be ex had slept with my aunt. (This was before I came into the picture.) My husband's best friend at the time told me. I knew he wasn't lying...I just knew my ex and my aunt were trying to cover it up. It hurt because my aunt was the one who set me and my soon to be ex up. I have no jealousy issues when it comes to past sexual past that my ex had or with ex girlfriends. All of us have some kind of history or past..........and we move on. However, knowing it was a family member angered me because I felt like I should have known. I wouldn't have ever committed myself to a relationship with a man who had been sexually active with someone else that I was close to. To me it was a respect issue and I felt like both of them didn't let me decide what I wanted to do...they decided for me. I was angry and hurt. Then a month after that, I found out that my soon to be ex was thinking of running around on me. It hurt incredibly...especially thinking we had this great marriage. I adored that man...and would have given my right arm for him. I looked up to him and wanted so much to have a great marriage. By the way, this was my 2nd marriage. I divorced my first husband because he was an alcoholic and very physically abusive towards me...and so I thought I had finally found my prince. Not long after finding out that information (and yes, his best friend told me again) that he started running around on me. After this, I came and confronted him with all that I knew. In the beginning, he did deny it but after confessed and told me he wished he would have never done it. My heart was broken. After that, I never felt the same for him. I started gravitating towards his best friend and eventually, his best friend became mine. I turned to him for support and then our relationship evolved into something more. I actually was looking for a sexual relationship with him because I was very attracted to him and I wanted some kind of revenge for what my soon to be ex had done to me...except it did backfire when I fell in love w/him. Me and my ex tried to make it work, but, couldn't. I do understand now he made a mistake, just as I did and he truely is a great man. He is an excellent father and I couldn't ask for a better man to be a dad to my children. Anyway, back to his best friend. Our relationship was now no longer a friendship..it was sexual and we both had fallen in love with one another. He asked me to lean on him and he shared himself in a way no other man had ever shared with me. His feelings and thoughts were deep and I felt a connection I had never felt with anyone. Our affair continued for awhile...until we both confessed and I left my ex for him. After I left my husband, I started seeing him on a regular basis...in his home. We have never went out publicly...and not because I wanted it that way. I beg him to take me out.......and he says that now he feels guilty for what has happened and that he does love me. It hurts me tremendously knowing that I didn't try to make it work with my husband and walked away knowing that he is this way. He is alone...lives with no one, has no children.....and yet, I am an embarassment to him. He says I'm not...that I'm a beautiful woman and any man would give his right arm to be with me but yet, he can't get over the guilt. I haven't met any of his friends. They know nothing of me..and he gets with them every Friday night. I beg for his attention...and don't get it. However, in the beginning, he wasn't that. He taught me to cuddle...something I never really did before...and I learned to love it. Now, I get none of that from him. I also found him to be hypocritical. I socially drink every now and again w/some of my best friends....we'll have a glass or wine after work. Yet, he calls us drunks and knows none of my friends because he chooses it to be that way. However, I caught him at a bar not too long ago with his friends..I was ignored and he was drinking. He had never drank anything in his life until then. I was crushed, hurt and humiliated. I spoke to him that evening on the matter....I let him know how disappointed I was in him...how hypocrisy doesn't sit well with me. Especially when he in the past has called someone names for being a hypocrite. I lost respect for him that night............and yet I still do love him. He uses me for sex right now and I'm try to deal with that daily. I'll go to see him, we'll have sex and I'll leave right after. I don't try to stay and I don't fight it...........I keep telling myself that's all I need from him. I'm angry at him, I love him and hate him all at once. I want so badly to rid myself of this because I continue to let it happen and I'm a very caring person....would give my right arm for him or anyone that I care for. My father tells me to walk away and that if I'm worth it to him, that he will come back to me. Yet, it pains me to do this. I knew a long time ago that our relationship was doomed because he always told me he had a hard time dealing with the fact that I had children when he has none.....and that in itself broke my heart. He hurts me on a daily basis yet I alway come back. I don't know how much more I can take because I am so exhausted from him and tired of crying. Can someone please give me some advice on how to handle this other than counseling? Thank you.