Man I don't even know where to start with this. It's funny because I never thought I would find myself on one of these things posting my problems for the world to see haha. But here I am. I guess that just pays tribute to the point that I've gotten to. I mean some nights if I was feeling bad enough I would go online and look up things like "ways to get over depression" or "ways to get over girls" or "how to be happy" etc etc. I would read other peoples stories and relate to them, but never did I actually picture myself taking part in it myself. At this point I guess I'm open enough for it.
Growing up I was always big into sports. Basketball and football from the time I was old enough to play on a team until the eight grade right before I hit high school. During that time I always had friends, the guys on the team were like my brothers, and I was always pretty liked and had lots of friends in school. But then everything changed. After eighth gradeI went into high school and of course tried out for sports but I ended up not being able to play basketball or football because of my grades. For that same reason I was forced to relocate schools after ninth grade and thats when things kind of fell apart for me. I felt like a failre to myself and my parents. Pretty much everyone in my life who ever believed in me and though that I would go somewhere. For the rest of my high school career I was pretty depressed and introverted. It seemed like all at once I had felt the pressure of life fall on my shoulders like a weight I wasn't ready for. I had lost any idea of who I was or where I was going. Through out the rest of high school I fell in with the burnouts and found myself smoking weed and getting high on peoples couches every day, not doing the right things to cope with my situation at all. I was skipping classes, not performing, I was a mess. But somehow I was able to graduate on time.
Haha its funny though because I had this idea that once I graduated everything would just suddenly become fixed. Everything would get better. I don't know why I thught that. I mean I shed my old friends once I realized they weren;t going anywhere and neither was I just getting high every day and doing nothing. But once I did that I was completely alone. No more weed, no more burnout "friends" to distract me. Anyway, to save you the bull, once I graduated last year I got a job, I go to community college, but I'm still completely alone and its eating me up inside. I feel like there is this giant crater in my stomach where something should be--love or acceptance...something. I go to bed every night with a heavy heart and wake up feeling like I cant turn to anyone or anything. I see couples holding hands and kissing and loving each other and it makes me want to scream even though the only thing I'm thinking is "god...what I would give to have that..." I see groups of friends hanging out and sticking together and going through things together and I've forgotten what that feels like. To have a friend to turn to, to feel you, to be there for you. But not someone who brings you down, someone whose going somewhere, who is a good person and makes you better. I need that.
I just feel like I have nothing and nobody. I feel like my life is a dead end and all I want to do is escape. Life is so beautiful...its gorgeous and I feel like 'm wasting it. But then I think to myself "what good is all this beauty if i don't have anyone to share it with?" I just want--hell I need--love. I need people or at least someone to help fill that crater inside me. I know I have so much to give, I know it. But life just seems so...uphill all the time if you get what I mean.
it isn't like I don't try to help myself. I know that a persons worse enemy is themselves. I excersize, I try and stay positive, I write (I write poetry and short stories), but at the end of the day--and anyone who is truly alone and depressed probably knows this--nothing you do personally can truly replace having meaningful relationships in your life.I've loved and Ive losted, I've trusted and been hurt too many times to count,I've been down shits creak and clawed my way back up. I guess now I'm just a guy standing in an intersection at nineteen years old wondering where he's going to go next.
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