I am 22 this year and met my boyfriend (24) when we were in high school. We've been together seven years. I was really young when I met him but was instantly attracted to him, uncomfortably though at the same time. Hes always said he loves me but ive never quite felt he has the ability to love me like I do him. A lot of the time I felt like our relationship was moving too fast, and I admit I wasn't ready to sleep with him for the first time when we did. He freed up his cousins apartment and invited me over, I met him at the train station, and that's when I realised he brought his friend & the friends gf along. I remember being really confused and awkward about this but at the same time, I always was unsure of myself. I felt bad to cancel our first time because he went to the effort of organising this day for us and slept with him anyway, with his two friends in the next room, I was so awkward and embarrassed. I regretted it as soon as he said "Is that it? Sex is overrated". The next seven years are a nightmare.
When I met this guy I loved him so honestly innocently and pure, I feel like over the years he has made me a monster,a paranoid untrusting girl who hates women and he then punishes me for being untrusting. I cant understand why I keep going back to him, PLEASE TELL ME IS THIS ABUSE?
The first occasion of him being flirtatious is when I went to see my dad for the weekend, upon coming back a girlfriend told me that he'd asked her out online, told her "what I don't know wont hurt me" and expressed his attraction to her. I was heartbroken, and felt deceived, I confronted him on this and he denied it untIl I went to the extent of showing him the hard evidence of the conversation.
Encounters like these between him and girls (most of the time mutual friends of ours) have kept happening over the years, out of noweher and at times I was my happiest with him and mostly thru online conversations. I am guilty of snooping his facebook account but always found him having conversations with girls thats I would never think about having with a man, sometimes sexual conversations, sometimes him telling her how gorgeous she is and sexy etc etc.
It does like this.. I confront him and he always gets angry and yells at me and denies it.
When I see these conversations I well up with anger knowing he is not being true to me, and knowing I deserve better, bu after speaking to him about it I'm always second guessing myself, and so confused thinking AM I WRONG? He always had an excuse.
I always ended up feeling like the insecure crazy one, and inadequate & threatened by these girls. I broke up with him on the occasions where I gathered he strength to only to find out a day after one of these breakups he took my good girlfriend out (almost a best friend of mine) and made out with her, on another occasion making out with another good friend of mine at a holiday house full of our mutual friends whilst bad mouthing me, showing everyone my texts and saying how crazy I was for trying to call him to get thru to him. I'm summing it all up here this is years of this, and many similar hings happened.
Often.
Like every month or 2 something would come out or pop up. But he always told me he loved me, cried and even turned it back to me saying I drive hm to do what he does, because I do t trust him and these girls do, once he even said, she's drama free, makes him feel good, and I just complain.
For the last two years he has changed, he stopped talking to girls on the net, and he did it was always friendly, but he began to deal drugs and do them, mind you I was unaware of this for the first year it was happening. He had a new company, friends who encouraged drugs and having girls around. And I already didn't trust him fully due to our past. But tried my manage my issues and just believe and trust him.
Yesterday I left him. For the reason that I caught him in another lie..... we made a sex tape, and I had it on my iPad, and said he could have it too on his phone only n the condition he shows no one and has a lock on his phone. He was on my ipd in my car and i asked him whathe was doing and if he was sending the video, and he said no he was just watching it. Later on the night wheni asked him if he really had send it and he said not swear to god baby with a smile and kissed me goodbye. I have a thought to check my sent box and sure enough there it is.....
I caught him in a lie, and the next day confronted him. Based on how he reacted, I left him. He said I was jumping to conclusions, that it technically was not a lie, went into all this unnecessary detail which derailed from the topic, the lie. And yelled at me until the point I was in tears, then said he had to go to see his friends. Enough is enough.
Thinking about what im typing I know what I sound like, I sound so dumb. Or am overreacting? Help me out.
I'm so confused as to why I still go back all the time and love him so strongly if his actions show one thing and his words show another. Funnily enough this guy treats me like a princess sometimes and can be so caring and loving. I got diagnosed depression this year, is it because of this?
Saving 
