I to suffer from PTSD. I also suffered physical and sexual abuse at a very young age. I block everything out for years, then the flashbacks started. I too went through several years of thearapy, and took medication for several years. And I too had thought I had overcome my PTSD. However now years later, I also suffer from severe anxiety attacks, migrains,I tremor and shake, sleeplessness, and I startle so easily. I'll smell or here something that instantly triggers some sort of memory, but much like you it doesn't frigten me the way it did once upon a time, the memories are just there, I don't dwell on them, or I too would be sucked back into a depression and I promised myself that I would never go back to that dark place again. I manage my daily life, but I seem to come back to that feeling as though this is some sort of long term affects from the PTSD. I have had some of my symptoms check out by Doctors, some of the ones that may be nuerological issues, and none of them seem to dimiss that the PTSD could be causing these symptoms. I think once you have it you always have it. I am not at Dr. and by all means cannot give you a direct answer. But I can tell you that since you do not have insurance to have bloodwork done, I recomend doing some research on vitamins B12 and D, and if you do not want to reasearch it I suggest you try buying those vitamins and taking them once a day. They definatly won't hurt you, and you would be suprised at the positive affects they have. Also all those years of thearapy try to remember your coping skills. Meditation is a great tool if for nothing else do it when your going to bed. I know your not supposed to but if I can't sleep that can do the trick sometimes. Anyone who has been through what we have knows that sometimes happiness doesn't come easily, so smile at least once a day then twice a day, and so on, even if you have to force it, and there will undoubtedly be days that you will have to force it. But do, even if you don't want to make yourself. Eventually smiling will become a habbit, and your brain associates this with happiness and it will eventually trigger feelings of happiness. It doesn't need to be a real smile, but in time it will be. Exersize as well, it is proven to help with depression. Even if its just a short fast paced walk. When you are having a panic attack remember to take deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, and for some reason breathing into a paper bag helps, I don't know why but it does. And remind yourself that you had the strength to get through this once know you can do it again. I also tell myself that if I fall apart now, if I let my abuser get the best of me in the end, then he won he got what he wanted, and I figure he has taken enough of my life away. I wont give him anymore of it. He wont get the best of me, no matter how much I struggle I will always rise above it, because I am the better and stronger person. And you need to tell yourself those things too, because your abuser has already taken enough of your life away from you and the people who love you as well. Don't be to hard on yourself either it will only cause you more stress and anxiety, and it's a vicious cycle that's hard to snap out of. Everyday is a new one, so when one day is bad know there is always tomarrow, and another day after that. You must already know that happiness isn't going to just come to you, it's something you will have to work at. But if you do then someday you will get there. I know what your feeling, I have been there, and I am truely sorry that you are having such a tough time. I wish you the best of luck, be strong, and seriously look into those two specific vitamins b12 and D, or just take them they won't harm you. Take care!