Lonely, tired and such..Depression and anger...

Can't sleep and it's 5:33am. Having all of the normal issues, relationships, anger, depression. Been with a polyamory man for 1.5 yrs. Was told all of the regular crap, I don't have alot of time (dating others, lots). But how do you expect someone not to fall for you after so long? Can never do anything because there is no time. I get no support in what is important to me, but if I was one of the others he would be right there. I have been fighting depression since I was 14, maybe younger but that's the age I have been using. I'm tired of feeling less than, being kicked in the face rather than having someone helping me stand tall. I have so much anger inside of me..I feel dead inside. I don't have the sparkle in my eyes anymore. I don't even know why I'm here. Want to end it and be free, but too much of a chicken to do myself in. I should understand that I will always be alone, but it hurts so bad. I can't smile, can't do anything. Alot of this is from the "person I'm dating" because it always happens. I'm tired of being stepped on and being the last man out. Self help book s dont help, friends dont help, the therapist doesn't help and I refuse to give her anymore money. I just want the pain to go away. I want to be normal.