I'm posting this after reading "Alone and Depressed", by Sliepnir16 (http://ehealthforum.com/health/topic56417
.html). My life is pretty much summed up in his words, save for a few variations, but I'll take it from the top:
I'm 17, and I just got out of a six-month relationship. Yeah, six months. Ages, right? Well, I've been close friends with the said person for about 6 years. I've confided and invested, emotionally, into them more than in anyone I've ever known. They, in turn, know me better than anyone else on God's green earth... Now its all over and we part ways, and I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Coupled with in-satiated boredom, its a rough existence.
I tried to be perfect with her. As perfect as I could. Everything a "good boyfriend" would do, I tried to. I can't say it didn't work, however, because the reason she decided to end it once and for all was her own problems, which she "didn't want to drag into my life". To name a few, she had a disabled mother who, due to diabetes, was mentally unstable - leaving HER to care for her drugged up sister's ... three, now I think, fatherless children, and a family history filled with incessant drama and such problems, to boot.
After growing up into this and two years short from leaving for college, she couldn't handle it anymore. She became increasingly prone to verbal fights (all that existed in her household), somewhat suicidal, and going into eating disorder relapses, which led her to start purging again. Some of you may consider me lucky after reading all that, or can at least justify her reason for leaving me. Keep in mind, though, I've only told you things about her 'bad side', which, when compared to the 'good', barely seem to matter (at least to me). She had a brilliant mind, effervescent personality, knack at being cuter than you can imagine and, last but not least, looked absolutely gorgeous overall - something that, for whatever reason, she didn't want to realize. I also thought, that if she could hold out until we were both on our own, the cause of all those issues would be left behind, and so would they. Our last month together she decided to end the relationship twice, and both times I lost it, and pleaded for her not to. She replied, "Alright, but if I decide to go it can only hurt me that much, and you'd carry it forever." I dismissed this as just drama on her end, and a sum-up of the fact that she had problems. And, really, wouldn't anyone else in her shoes? The second time around it didn't end, but I certainly felt a chill from the matter resurrecting itself after a fight courtesy of her paranoia that I was secretly talking to a friend of her's over the smallest coincidence imaginable, because she was absolutely opposed of me talking to him - which once again, my dear reader, I wasn't, and tried desperately to get across to her with final but bitter success. 'Little' things like this seemed common in our final days, and (personally), after being dragged through so much psychological barbwire, I steeled myself against the third and final time she decided to reconsider our relationship. Having anticipated it, I agreed to ending it, and felt not bad, not good, but rather nothing at all... only an emptiness, or confusion.
I really thought she was, if I may, "the one". We already planned our college plans and, by extension, life together (I know, I'm just 17 - her 18, but nevertheless). So having broken up, a thing quite unthinkable to me before, all of that was gone. It was as if I had a definite road to follow in life, and, just before preparing to embark on it, it was suddenly swept away. I had everything I wanted, someone that loved me deeply and whom I was prepared to share my life with. Now I have nothing. I have no friends, despite some loose acquaintances I talk to regularly, at this school - after being transferred twice now, and having made good friends at the two prior schools my social resolve was gone.. I've spent thousands on her and things for her sister's abandoned children over the course of time we were together, and've tried to support and care for her the best I could - and what I get in return is her "sparing" me from her problems and life in general. Her, with a cadre of friends to take care of her, and I with, literally, no one for any type of back up. I am, truly, alone (hence my being here).
Finding another girl isn't easy, especially not to replace her and our history together. I also don't fall for any type of girl, putting a higher standard on intelligence rather than appearance. Horrible to remember I once had both. It still, makes me sound vain though, right? Its not out of egotism, I simply want someone I can deeply connect with... School's not exactly the perfect environment for searching, either, for a myriad of reasons. But, I already commend anyone who actually read this much of my moping. *Laughs.*
If anyone did, whoever you are, thank you. I'm not looking for some miraculous solution here anymore than anyone could ever offer one. Broken and defeated, all I can hope for is that someone may give their mind about it or, even, feel less alone in their own loveless plight.
i'm here if you want to talk.
as i said, no real solutions, but sometimes having someone caring to listen helps, and well - if you wish - i'm here for you.
I can't tell you just how much it helps, Riftwarden. =] You, being one who read the sum of my sorrow, have already done enough to alleviate my woes of solitude. I could not, however, actively burden another with my loneliness and feel right about it.
Afterall, however painful all of this can be (or was), it is a chance for me to learn, or grow stronger, right? To that end, and aside from your very kindhearted and unimaginably appreciated offer, I feel like I have to tough it out alone; at least for now.
You may find my writing somewhat more spirited than it was in my initial post because I am, fortunately, healing. There are many simple things I can focus on that make me exceedingly happy, I found. At night or the afternoon I grow particularly more doleful. Yet during the day, looking at the ocean or a great day outside, for example, always soothes me. Such an idyllic, poetic surrounding somehow inspires me to forget all my troubles. I loathe being negative or sullen then, and in that moment forgive all my contacts, loves (or past loves I should say), and relations for their offenses, and bless them. I wish to remain like that forever; To lead a blameless, beautiful life - and go on thinking those tender thoughts until reality somehow broke my reverie. Ah! If that's not too over-sappy, I don't know what is. =P
All that aside, thank you again, Riftwarden. Seeing that another person - a complete stranger - cares, if only remotely, about another's troubles is something that has always made me smile... If, by some bizarre (well, not entirely, but at least somewhat comical) chance you happened to need someone to listen to your sentimental ranting, I'd be happy to volunteer, in turn. =] My heart goes out to you.