Hi I am Angie. six years ago my husband died and I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was so unwell so often that my children were put into care.. all my trips to hospital meant I couldn't give them a normal life. Losing my kids is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me, however I get to see them lots on weekends and school holidays.
My problem is meeting new people. It starts off with small talk "have you got kids, are you married" etc. Then they ask what school my kids go to and I reply truthfully which school they go to.. they are in 3 different schools in different areas. Then they ask why I would put them in school in different locations and I am forced to admit that they don't live with me.
Then they ask why they don't live with me, and I reply truthfully that I have been 'unwell'. Then they ask what is wrong with me and before I know it I have told them that yes I am married, widowed actually, my husband committed suicide, I have schizophrenia and four kids in two different homes.
So now I don't want to meet new people. I used to work in Childcare but who is going to want someone looking after their children by someone who has lost custody of her own kids? (and is schizophrenic to boot)
And if I even remotely manage not to tell everybody my life story in the first 5mins of meeting them I feel like I have lied to them and live in fear of them finding out because the minute I say my kids are in care they assume I have abused them in some way instead of the truth, which is I have never hurt my kids and if I didn't get sick so often or I had a partner or living husband I would never of lost custody.
I don't even want to get back in touch with people I used to know because that would involve updating them on my train wreck of a life
Ah getting that all out has been great. Does anybody here relate to that? Not knowing how to NOT tell people? Or not knowing HOW?
Heres my advice, one you don't even have to tell them and it wouldn't be wrong if you didn't, two, if they don't like it or they just assume things about you and wrongfully judge you then why would you want to hang out with someone like that in the first place.
Thats no fun to be around.
You sound intelligent from your post, there are a whole heap of other people out there just like you, you sound like you need to find them. Maybe you could find a group and meet some people that know what you are going through. Worth a shot anyway.
What was your "episode" like by the way, did you hallucinate, or were you delusional, and hear voices, what did you see hear or think?
Perhaps you even had the other two more uncommon ones where you hallucinate tastes and smells.
Hi, thanks for replying. I have paranoid delusions that completely take over my life.
My first episode was after my husband died. (Ed) The day before he died I rang his psychiatrist (Dr.S) and told him how he had said the kids and I may as well be dead because he felt like we were anyway. I told Dr.S about the threat and he said he already knew that because Ed had told him. Ed killed himself the next day.
I was so angry.. why did Dr.S let him go after saying that? I began to get paranoid that Dr.S now wanted ME dead. I had a wisdom tooth resting on a nerve, (very painful!) and I thought Dr.S was controlling me through my tooth and reading my mind.
I did a lot of writing on my computer and became convinced Dr.S was watching what I wrote. I made myself play solitaire on the computer.. I had to win three times in a row to keep him out. I would be up until 5am and then I had to get up at 6am for the kids.
I ended up in hospital for three months.
I was fine for a while and then I came back from dropping the kids off at school and made myself a snack. There were Weevils (little bugs) in my biscuit! I made myself a cup of tea, and there were Weevils in that too. I resigned myself to fact that I would have to chuck out all my food and start again.
I was hungry so I went to the cafe. Weevils in my cake! They were everywhere. Evil Weevils everywhere!
You've probably figured out by now that there were no Weevils.. Just in my mind. Back to hospital for another three months and right up until the end I wouldn't eat or drink anything but sealed Fortisip. Fortisip is for those who are very underweight or elderly so I actually put ON a lot of weight.
Fine for a while again and then one night my cats surprised me by jumping out of the linen cupboard. It gave me such a fright! Upon looking at them I 'realised' that they had grown very big. They were hungry but I couldn't feed them as I thought they would get even bigger and attack me. A friend took me to psych emergency and back to hospital again.
While in the Intensive Care Unit at hospital (Psych) I kept sitting in the hallway waiting for a bus to come through the two sets of double locked doors, to pick me up and take me away. I fantasised that my dead mother would be driving the bus and would take me home.
If you've ever been a smoker, and caught the bus you have probably figured out Murphys Law... which is if you light a smoke the bus turns up and you have to throw away a perfectly good ciggerette. So I would plead with the staff to let me smoke in the hallway.
All these episodes are hazy in my mind now but as I write this I can feel the absolute conviction that the experiences I was having were true and real, very real.
I am lucky enough to have enough insight in my first days of being unwell, that I can reach up and get help. A few days into it though and I lose myself in my mind and can not be convinced these things are not true. One of my main signs of starting to become unwell is that I cannot sit on a chair or sleep on my bed. I have to feel grounded. I will sleep on the floor for months during an episode. So If I start feeling that 'pull' towards the ground I know to ring my nurse, who will monitor me.
Well I consider myself a very high functioning schizophrenic what I've learned is to LISTEN to the voices (delusions) and see what they are trying to communicate with you.
I believe they want us to live without fear of anything (including death), I can very much relate to believing someone wanting me dead! This happened to me while I was out of town with noone around that I knew and no cash, I thought the whole city wanted to kill me!
Anyway, they tend to make what I am insecure about manifest itself in the most humiliating of ways, embrace this!
Most important to remember is:
Don't worry about what schools your kids are in, I am sure they ok!
Stay positive and obedient!
Schizophrenia does not exist. Anyone who believes that the human mind would formulate proper sentences and paragraphs of logical statements in there mind as voices, needs to be checked (truthfully, ignorance is not an illness). A deteriorated brain does not function well enough to accomplish coherent thoughts that, for no explained reason, always are negative. Voice to skull technology, which can sound like a whisper or a loud voice in your mind, is used for brain research and or electronic harrasement. It completely bypasses the ears and feeds the brain with sub auditory modulated frequencies. Very slowly, but happening nonetheless, this technology is making grounds into public awareness. Very few people know about it, but artifical telepathy has advanced far more to maturity then most people would know.