Life would be beautiful if love wasn't so ugly

It all started back when I was a young boy. When I was seven my mother forced my head under hot scolding water...reason still unknown. When I cried out in sheer pain my father woke up. He worked third shift at the time and sleep to him was pretty important. Well I can tell you he was not happy. I got my head scolded and was beaten all before I was able to eat breakfast that day.

Another memory that for some reason stuck, I was seven years old and it was Sunday morning. My father was big on church at the time and didn't want to be late for the morning sermon. But I couldn't find my "going to church shoes." My father raced behind me so as to scare me into finding them that much quicker. I remember the tears were flowing down my face because I knew what was coming to me. As his patience wore thin I could hear the mighty jingle of his belt being loosened from his waist. To me, when he removed his belt, the rattling was more like church bells being rung in my head. On my hands and knees I searched and searched for those damn shoes as if it were a mission sent out by God himself but to no avail...and the beatings then commenced. All over my body now. I was scared for my life and crawled into my sisters room and there they were. They seemed to be screaming my name. We're in here! We're in here! I found my shoes!!! But by then it was much too late and the belt continued to rip at me.

At the age of nine years old I ironically tried to strangle myself with my own belt. Unfortunately, my father broke me free and made me regret it.

This continued to happen until my father went to prison, I was 11 at this time. From there I went to countless schools, group homes and other homes that would take me in. In a total of two years I went to 13 schools so my schooling obviously went down hill. I really didn't care about school though. I was much too busy trying to find a reason. Any kind of reason at all and why me?

Some say there is a purpose behind it. Some would say it will make you stronger. But most people, all I ever heard is how stupid, ugly and worthless I was. And to be quite honest with you, I was.

So do I have a happy ending to my story? Did I turn out alright? Where am I now and have I really become a stronger man?

Well...I'm almost 38 years old now and I feel stupid, ugly, worthless and lonely...still. I don't have a relationship with my three sisters and one brother of long ago and feel that that is probably for the best. So what does one do at this point? I feel absolutely ruined inside and out. I'm way below my weight (115 lbs) and feel as though I could die and there is a "want" to die feeling as well. Hmmm, not sure what I'm really doing here I guess. Any pointers?

P.S. I don't wanna be on Oprah, I just want some help!