I am about to turn 33 and have never lasted more than a few weeks with a guy. To be honest, I have now totally given up on finding love - I just don't have enough self esteem to deal with any more knocks. I also have an ovarian problem which has left me unable to conceive, so even if I did somehow find a decent guy, I am sure this would understandably make him lose interest.
My main trouble is - the reason for this post - all my old friends have grown up, settled down and, for the most part, have children of their own now. As a result, I am not really part of their lives anymore, and to be honest, I don't really want to be their token single friend, so I gradually lost contact with them. All I really do these days is go to work, go to the gym a couple of times a week, and go home. I have a decent job but its not enough to keep me going, and life just seems so pointless now.
I think if you have lots of friends around you in a similar situation, the single life is a worthwhile life, but it doesn't seem to be working out for me. I have heard friends from work describing single ladies in their 40s as "spinsters" and wondering what was wrong with them. i.e. why didn't anyone want them. They probably think this about me already. I feel like I can not relate to other people's lives anymore, especially happy events like weddings and pregnancies, as they make me feel totally inadequate. I live in fear of being invited to weddings. I have been invited to a wedding later this year, which is a fair distance away from home. It would involve travelling by myself, staying two nights in a hotel by myself, and I won't know anyone except the groom at the day itself. I will probably try and get out of it nearer the time by pretending to be ill!!
When I take annual leave, I don't know what to say when I come back and people ask me what I got up to. I don't have anyone to go on holiday with, so time off work - while a welcome break from the daily grind - just makes me feel even worse about myself.
I have a pointless and unhappy existence and to be honest I just want it to end. Do lots of people feel this way????
You never know whether the guy will 'lose' interest? That is just a mere speculation which you have made. There plenty of guys out there that will love their woman even if they have a difference, remember we all come with some sort of defects, honey, no one is perfect. Life is never pointless, we can never say it is pointless, we only have one life, and the only way it will get better is if you go and make the difference! Hmm...Your friends are rather quick on making judgments? Ever question whether they are happy? We all act like we are happy but sometimes is just all an act cause we want something more in our life. Honey, being 40, single and having a job a lot of women would crave for that, an independant woman life. Don’t hide, be proud of yourself , you seem to be ashamsed cause your not them, you shouldn’t try to be them, you are your own person! You want to end your life? Honey! Your not the only one, yes there are alot of people who feel like they have to end their life, but you got to ask yourself, is this all you want in your life? Your only 32, turning 33, shessh that’s so young! There should be things you want to do? Create yourself a bucket list, maybe giving yourself some personal time would be the best, travel and maybe who knows your life will change cause you decided to make the change. Remember be happy or tell people your happy, and watch your life it will turn around in a flash, put some high heels, make up or what ever you want! Remember we all are unique, and NO you should never end your life, life is to short, you will miss out so much things!
I've only just noticed your post, so this is a bit late. However, I can relate totally to what you express and feel pretty much the same. I think it's very hard to be alone, especially if a person's own expectations and hopes are not fulfilled. I generally feel that all people live lives of quiet desperation, as the old cliche goes, but those desperate lives are probably not so desperate when there is the shared illusion of being in love, or having someone to share the ups and downs of everyday life with. It just seems a bit boring, lonely and futile, when there's no-one special around. The knocks of living tend to make people defensive and wary of being emotionally vulnerable again, and I admire the people that just pick themselves up and start again with another person. If you don't risk being hurt again, life stays static. Annoyingly, I don't seem to be like that, and will probably always be alone. There are positives to every situation, but if it's too far removed from wyhere you hope you'd be, it's hard to keep reminding yourself of these positives and to remain grateful. Hope things pick up for you, and anyone else in a similar situation.