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Life seems purposeless

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Well, i definitely am suffering from depression.

I take 40 mg of Celexa, and have for over a year (Wellbutrin before that for over 10 years).
I am on disability for severe carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands.
I need surgery to get off of disability, but i have no insurance. I "make too much money" - but don't qualify for other insurance because of my carpal tunnel syndrome. My hands are getting weaker and it's hard to hold anything heavier than a pound in them. They worsen every day and i don't know when and if i will be able to have the surgery to cure them.
I don't have a job anyways.

I have two daughters - one who is 20, and has been a "traveler" for the past year and a half. Most days we don't even know if she's alive. My 15-year old, who i raised alone from infancy, chose to live with her Dad on the East Coast. I live on the West Coast. She's been gone for a year, and i see her 2-3 times a year.

I only have one close friend who just moved into the same town as me. Yay for that.

I was with a man for five years who constantly told me he loved me but couldn't spend the rest of his life with me. We stayed friends (with benefits) for awhile after we officially broke up. Then he found a 30-year old who lives in SoCal where he lives. I live in NorCal. He went from texting me 2-3 times a day to almost nothing. Then he calls me out of the blue, invites me to spend a week in NYC with him, all expenses paid, buys my plane ticket, then UN-invites me 3 days later because the 30-year old can now go with him.

I seriously don't see the point to my life anymore. My parents live in Hawaii, so i never see them anyways. My brother estranged himself from the family over 20 years ago, no clue where he is. I have no other family or relatives.

I am tired of being lonely. I feel that i am drifting purposelessly. I just can't figure out what i am on earth for if i have no one to give my ove to and no one to love ME. The sadness and loneliness is hard to try and ignore.

My only reason to live right now is to feed my dog, Hercules, and my two cats.
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replied November 10th, 2010
41, Single, No Children and homebound. Depression and anxiety
I saw 41, single, and childless and thought google is really good at knowing me...Smile
I am 41, single, never had a child, and I have been unemployed for health reasons for 10 years. I found purpose in volunteer work for animal rights, but that was tearing my heart apart.

It's been my cats that have kept me going for sometime now. I suffer from extreme loneliness and I do nothing about it because I have become so self-conscious about myself, and I have been avoiding for so long now that I have grown accustomed to it. Pretty much afraid to leave the house.

I was raped by the maintenance of my apt building in 1998. I had everything going for me. Century 21 failed to do a $10 back round check. He was on parole at the time for rape. His parole officer was not doing her job obviously.
I suffered a catastrophic loss and I just can't help but wonder where my life would be today had this not have happened.
I struggled with issues before this incident, and had depression issues from childhood trauma, and then abusive relationships.

All you need is one good friend.
Mine are all faceless and voiceless (on-line). I have friends in other states, and know people from high school here that are 2 hours from here, but I have just changed so much, and the anxiety I suffer from paralyzes me...

I love my cat Bailey and I find myself pathetic and it makes me sad. My future is 'fixed' now. I know I will lose him before die and he is all I have. This is making me very sad.

You have opportunity. Life is too short to be fooling around with a man that doesn't respect you. That will leave most anyone feeling purposeless.
If you can date then I encourage you to try and meet someone. Pick yourself up, dig as far into yourself as you need to for hope and get yourself back out there to meet someone. It's amazing how love can heal.

Lacy
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