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Life keeps getting worse

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Hello everyone. IƂĀ“m writting here today because i truly feel really depressed. IĀ“ve suffered for depression for years. IĀ“ve taken meds, unfortunately since I continue having difficulties in my life, I just canĀ“t seem to get any better.
My life has been a bit sad I must say. Since the day I was born, until now, people have always told me that I am very ugly. I am so ugly that IĀ“ve been confused with a man. This has nothing to do with make-up or clothes, trust me, itĀ“s my faceĀ“s bone structure and my small breasts. When I was a child and a teenager, I would always get teased and bullied at school. I had very few friends. Due to all the teasing and bulling, I became a very shy girl. People would always tell me that I was not too intelligent either.
Unfortunately, my parentĀ“s have never supported me spiritually, only economically. Whenever I have a problem, they just tell me that itĀ“s no big deal and that I am just a drama queen. As a child, my father sometimes laughed at the comments other kids told me and he would just say "well if they say it, they must be right!". My mom would just get angry at me and would tell me that kids bugged me because I was weak and stupid. This really hurts me because IĀ“ve always felt that theyƂĀ“ve never really care about my feelings. It seems as if all they did was make sure to cover my material necessities. However, I do really tresure my parents above all and consider them one of the few things that keep me alive today. I have an older brother, but IĀ“ve never had a good relationship with him. When we were young, he would also bully me with the rest of the kids at school. When we grew up, he would get drunk and hummiliate me in front of other people. Other times he would attack me not only verbally, but he would also punch me and he even spitted on me once. I live in a country in which some families still treat men as a "dominant figure". This is also the case of my family. Thus, my borther never really got a punishment for his behavior. I grew up watching how my father often treated mom as his slave. He never remembers anniversaries and heĀ“s hardly romantic with her. My mom just spends her life attending his nessecities and tolerating his screaming and constant reproaches. Fortunately I concluded my university studies and now i wish to continue a Graduate Course (my dad stood against this for some years, but I was able to convince him).
I grew up being put down by society. Everyone was always telling me that everything was wrong with me. Hence, my self esteem is VERY low today and I have find it impossible to do something about it. I have tried so hard to move on and be happy, but thereĀ“s ALWAYS something that happens in my life that doesnĀ“t permit me get what I wish.
Now, IĀ“m 24 years old and I have nothing of my own, except for a Biochemistry Bachelor Degree that seems to be worthless. I say itĀ“s worthless because I havenĀ“t been able to get a job. I send my resume, go to the interviews but never been called back. I canĀ“t not even get other kind of jobs that donĀ“t have anything to do with Biochemistry. IĀ“ve applied to 3 Graduate programs and IĀ“ve been rejected from 2. I still hope I end up in the third option, but lately since everythingĀ“s been going wrong I feel quite hopeless. People tell me not to give up, and I guess I have no other option, but I find it really difficult to continue due to my depression. As the days go by, I feel more apathic, weak, melancolic and hopeless. Anything seems to get any better.
My love life is also very crappy. When I go out with my friends, they get the attention from the guys. If I try to socialize with any guy, they just treat me as if they felt disgusted by me and push me away. Guys rarely ask me out, almost never. IĀ“ve only had 1 serious relationship in all my life. We were together for almost 2 years, but due to many problems we decided to end the relationship. After that I thought I went thtough one of the worst episodes of my life. I started being really promiscous, even having one night stands with guys I didnƂĀ“t even know. I know it was wrong, but I did it because I thought that was the only way I could get to be with a man since IĀ“ve always felt very disgusted about myself. I started losing some of my few friends because of this. Later I got involved with a guy that took clases with me at my university. He had problems with alcohol and drugs. When I started going out with him, I also started drinking a lot and I started smoking pot too. I started having a lot of serious problems with my parents because of this guy, but they never knew that I smokin pot. At the end, this guy just used me for the money and he cheated on me. I left him, I quit excessive drinking and I also stopped smoking pot. I have been alone since then. IĀ“ve only dated 3 guys since then, but 2 left me for no reason and I had to leave the other one due to distance problems. Now I am alone, and I came to the conclusion that only one man has ever loved me, and that is my first boyfriend. Now he is living away (in the US), is married and has 2 children. When he was my boyfriend, I often was unfair with him because I must admit that my constant depressions didnĀ“t help me think right. Now i guess I am paying for everything I did to him. At this moment, I donĀ“t know if I will ever be in a serious relationship again.
As you can see, my life has been a bit sad. I know that other worse things happen to other people. Still, I feel in a lot of pain everyday. I am aware that I am responsable for many of the things that happened to me. Yet, I just wish to forget all that, find a job, someone that loves me and to be stable for once in my life. I probably donĀ“t deserve it, but I do really wish to be happy. I guess IĀ“m paying for everything IĀ“ve done cause I know I have been very wrong. IĀ“ve even been wrong with my parents, because sometimes IĀ“ve also been wrong with them too.
I am not perfect, and honestly I believe that I deserve a second chance. However, I fight and try and I donƂĀ“t get any results, only rejections and failures.
I see other people that have made me unhappy and treated me badly, like my brother for example. Now, he has a very good job and is about to get married with a girl that really loves him. I know it might sound immature, but sometimes I ask myself how he deserves to be happy and I donĀ“t. DonĀ“t take m the wrong way, above all heĀ“s my brother and I donĀ“t wish him any harm, but I belive that if he deserves to be happy, then I deserve it too. But IĀ“m simply not and I canĀ“t get what I want.
Sorry If this was too long. I really donĀ“t know what to think of all of this. Any advice?
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replied December 19th, 2009
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I went through most of the same things you went through with being teased, no support etc.
there is a way you can deal with and over come your problems. i know how it feels to feel that way.
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replied January 26th, 2010
This might sound cliche but time is probably the only remedy. Engaging in things that are fun and safe to you will help pass the time. Being with good friends also helps especially. You gather from them a sense of belonging, which carries you through the best and worst of times. What you did, which was to write about what was bothering you is another way to cope with your situation. If you can't talk to someone, then writing about is still a good option. From this, you can reflect on your troubles and in itself is a form of therapy without having to go to a psychologist.

Sometimes depression isn't resolved through medication but requires merely a change of mental state. Having faith that your situation will change is really what can help you get through this. I know this all from experience. I wish I knew your location but I do sincerely hope you can find a job so that you have that economic security and independence from family. Being away from them might help you with your self-esteem.

Above all, strong personalities I think are appealing to people. Not like being mean to people but I think if you show who you truly are, then someone out there will like you. It is just a matter of patience. Best of luck. Hope this was of any help and/or comfort.
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replied September 15th, 2011
Hi, I'm Nephillium. I don't really understand how to start . but first of all bluemoon life keeps getting worst for me too. i cant believe the first attempt i am making on being truthful to myself is the fact i came in here and read bluemoons story. How can i stop my life from getting worst?. I'm 26 years old and this past december 2010 i was diagnosed with M.S (Multiple sclerosis). i knew there was something wrong with me from the beginning and im pretty sure me looking for what i had i have harmed myself. ill explain. at a very young age i began to have convulsions i remember being in school in Puerto Rico and everything going black. that was the first seizure i ever had. to make the story shorter thru time. at 16 the mother i thought i never had appeared took me with her to new york and here i am. ohh she just abandoned me 2 weeks ago. i found a great man he loves me he helps me he is my world i also have a baby her name is leelu. and thats all i have. is very hard to do it here in new york. my husband is not going to fall he will never fail but i on the other hand already gave up. im always in pain, having seizures made me brake my teeth so now i look horrible the copaxone injections for m.s hurt so much and the whole skin hurts and gets red and itchy and is hot. i have a therapist and physh. but i dont want meds. i take about 11 pills a day i going to mess it my body. ohh well if the m.s dont get it the meds will. i wonder if my husband will leave me.? will he get tired? will i be alive to walk my daughter down the aisle? will i be able to see grandchildren? or achive a goal in life? i have become putyful to the point that my best friends are the character in any series am watching. (i love lost) i have lost interest in everything sex,love,romance,passion,joy happiness, i just possess a blank stare. i feel so bad for my husband and he works for hard for me and we still about to make a cardboard box our next home. he has alot of faith. and he is the only faith i have cause honestly i dont even know what day it is.

be back soon
Nephy
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replied November 24th, 2011
My name is unimportant, the problems of my life also - but I know this: all it matters is you are still alive and as long as you are life you have thousands of reasons to smile. What was yesterday, last month and last year IS NO MORE, what is gonna be tomorrow, or the next year hasn't gone wrong YET. YOU have the capacity for SELF-HEALING, at any level. Instead of looking for help in anyone else externally - look inside. Behind the unfair self hate, behind the illusion that the rest of the people ar lucky and you aren't, behind all the beautiful lessons you LABEL as failures is the capacity of a lovely, warm human being that can CREATE and ENJOY the wonderful and eternal NOW and TODAY.

If you have the time watch this, don't focus on the romanian subtitles - probably you haven't even heard of such country, it's as unimportant as how much money you make.
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