Life hurts...

Hello, my name is Zach. Im 17 and from some of the stories I've read on here, mine will look pretty pathetic. But I'm desperate and I've got no one else to talk to so here goes... I've had a pretty ok life, it was all going well and the world seemed "perfect" but pretty much went downhill from 3 years ago. I was told that my mum had indeed not died from a terminal illness it was from suicide because of me, and yes at the time, I had a little "circle" of close friends, and I lost them, one by one, Hannah, she was the closest, she helped me through everything and I loved her as much as one person could love another, more than family. Long story short she started to suffer from serious clinical depression, started self harming, and from that looking into cults etc. Well after 2 and a half years, 1 simple text, that I happened to ignore, and 3 hours later at 3:03pm on Monday the 18th February 2009 she was dead, cut her own throat, destroyed me completely, then on I myself went into depression until I met someone called Rachael, she was a sweety and she was always perky. Then until later certain circumstance come to lead her to depression (that she neglected to tell me about) after 2 arguments when I was angry I told her to and she did, a week later I got a weird text from her, (she lives down my street) saying "Goodbye" I went to her house (this was at 1am) and I opened the front door and found her hanging in the bathroom, she was done for and I watched her die in my arms. I've never forgotten these 2 people in my life. And now, after Christmas life seemed ok, but not too long ago (about 4 months) I've had serious feelings for a certain friend, Tash, we've been very close and maybe its just because I'm so clingy I don't know, I'm physically afraid to get closer to her and become best friends due to these past events, everyone I get close too I lose in some way, I just want to Thank everyone (If anyone) who reads this, I'm afraid, and alone, and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want someone to listen, sorry for wasting anyone's time. Thanks again.