I am not attracted to men, dont consider them dating options or flirt whereas with girls i do. i have a close guy friend though, and my feelings for him are really confusing me.his personality and behavior is the healthier and more effeminate version of my father (in fact most people assume he's gay), he has a very intense mom, no father and 2 sisters so he's used to seeking protection from women, and gets rejected by all the girls hes ever asked out, they tell him hes too girly. hes a rare find.
I did not seek emotional intimacy with my father growing up. I had a lot of fun with him sometimes, we'd do things together,play chess, tennis,id help him with his construction projects.but my emotional allegiance was to the women in my family, my mom and my older sister who im really close to. my dad is a cool guy to hang out with but i hate his temper that i always had to see him unleash on my mom and my sister.i was a really physically aggressive kid. when i got to mid/high school i never identified as lesbian but i never liked guys, but hung out with a group of guys in highschool and there were some girls i did huge favors for and had huge urges to suck up to, i couldnt really explain it at the time. i have this protective instinct around women too. like i just FEEL it when i ran with my xcountry teammates and someone wolf whistled or especially when im at a party with my sister and ive had a something to drink.Some of my girl friends in middle school got teased by guys and id get really angry and fight to defend them and make the bullies go and stay away. yet i often felt completely lost when i hung out with these girls, but i liked it when they asked me to give them piggy back rides or "played" as adolescent girls do and told me to be the guy.u could say that i have a more "emasculate" brain cuz of finger length ratio and just way i think/behave (especially when i was younger). but i never had an identified crush.
Some other friends asked if my guy friend described above was any more than a friend, and i in all honesty couldn't say no, i never had someone like that. I told him everything, was completely able to be totally vulnerable around him, there was an emotional intimacy i never had had before with anyone. they convinced me i liked him, and i was like ok "maybe thats what its like to like someone".
im horny here and there, and before i came to terms with being not straight i imagined of sex with guys as very lustful meaningless, "carnal". if i was horny, every guy was like a self moving dildo (not to disrespect them as people or anything, but just sexually thats how i felt). i did have sexual fantasies about women in middle school but pushed them aside. now girls turn me on more from emotions, but i can lust for men if im in the mood cuz they have the right geometry.so i said i liked this guy, and i could imagine sex with him as very intimate, beautiful and emotional, what i imagine it to be like with a girl. but that was all in my head. like in real life he wasn't sexually attractive to me. and all that intimacy that turns me on when i imagine it in my head disappears. there is in reality a lot of emotional intimacy and trust btwn us and i went through horrible anxiety (im grew up out in the woods where i couldnt see any other house from mine and went to LA for school, and that just almost drove me crazy) this year and he helped out a lot. in real life i like the "big brother" affection like his hand on my shoulder, ruffling my hair, taking my hand if im freaking out about something but his full body hugs and hair stroking does nothing for me except if im really stressed out to death like i just had a panic attack and slip into the "scared little kid" "want to feel protected" role. (hes a really touchy feely person and will do that with any man woman or child he cares about if theyre having a hard day). i do like it when he rests his head on my shoulders and then i can put my arms around him, i almost feel like a mother with a son though.
I can't figure out how i feel about him. is this the "version" of my father that i would have "needed' to be straight? do i actually have much greater romantic capacity for an effeminate man (that i could play the emasculate "protector role") than a girl? idk, im so confused cuz i keep having really intimate fantasies about him, but maybe thats just cuz i dont know any girls at the moment that ive been able to get this close to. i remember going through such bad anxiety, and it was nice being able to curl up in his arms but even better being able to curl up in a girls arms but that just usually didnt happen cuz there weren't many girls around who'd be willing to get that physically intimate with me. I also miss the fun times with my dad and we were never able to talk about life, emotions, growing up and girls the way it might have played out if i were his son.i think parts of me want a trusted mentor because it was a hard and scary thing accepting that i was this odd genderqueer creature who liked girls and really did not fit in to the social scene at my college, so hes the "chill" version of my dad. parts of me are attracted to him because simply put hes someone who im comfortable being vulnerable/need protection "fem" around but if thats not the case, hell be the more effeminate one, just like a "soft butch" lesbian might be.and even close friendship is something pretty new to me, like throughout my life i was really out of tune with any of my emotions and certainly was not comfortable communicating my emotions to other ppl at all.
I wish society wasn't so heterosexist and parents of both sexes would treat their kids of both sexes exactly the same so that they were free to express and behave according to any innate "masculinity" or "femininity" regardless of physical anatomy. Sometimes when i fantasize about my friend, he morphs into a woman, like i just feminize his face like i sometimes do anyway when hes comforting me and if i don't notice he'll grow a pair of breasts and won't be a he at all anymore. I had a couple sexual dreams where he was wearing girls clothes. It's been like this for about a year, he's not interested in me, but i explain my confusing emotions that center around his being and he's totally ok with however i feel and is the type of friend who will always be there for me and has faith that ill figure it out. I also like that, like i kinda feel the need that someones "out there" and proud of me for coming to terms with who i am, and i really like that emotional support line. Its also different cuz girl crushes come and go and everyones straight, so i cant do anything. my feelings for this guy won't go. they aren't butterflies/nervous like a girl crush feeling is, my feelings for him (in reality, not fantasy) are less hot but much more everlasting and stable and comfortably warm. ive told myself, oh im probably straight and once i start looking at other guys, i wont fantasize about him anymore, but their aren't any other guys im attracted to out there to do that.
maybe im just stuck on him because im not getting positive female social feedback for liking females, so my intimate fantasies are with the one person i know that i find it potentially plausible to have a romantic relationship with, because gay guys and straight girls aren't plausible for the simple reason that im not a guy. there was one time when a really sweet straight girl cuddled with me and rubbed my back when i was having a mental breakdown and i really wanted more of her, but i was really scared of becoming attached to her so idk. i also can't cry around this guy friend. I am very guarded with my emotions and can't bring them out enough to cry when im by myself nor when im with him or any other guys, but around girls its like theres extra emotional stimulation that just yanks them out of me and i can cry. my friend has told me that i need to cry so i can let go sometimes and does everything to give me all the safe space and comfort so i can do that, but it never works. the sight of breasts in particular are best for making me cry. i dont know, but i feel really confused. any help appreciated, thanks.
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