Just want to share my feelings

Hello everyone,

I'm a 21 year old guy and I really want to share my feelings while still being anonymous. The reason I'm writing this is because the past few weeks have scared me. For example, I tried to stand as close as possible to a passing by train. It missed me by about 5 cm, people were staring at me but I just didn't care. Also while cycling I pass busy roads with my eyes closed. This all seems kinda weird, however 2 nights ago I walked away from a party and went on to go to the railroad tracks. I walked on the tracks on the middle hoping a train would pass by. As you might've guessed, none did.
A few weeks ago I wouldn't have thought I would do those kind of things, but I do. I see people passing me by in their lives, and here I am. Stuck socially, feeling empty even in times when I know it's a moment of joy. I just can't seem to experience it. However, this isn't something new. I've been feeling like this since I was 14, but it seems every problem is flowing out of me since the beginning of this year.
I've been wearing a mask that always smiled for so many years. Nobody that could comfort me, all alone in the bathroom of highschool. My parents suspected nothing and my so called 'friends' didn't care. Day by day I'm slowly dying, and I feel that day is getting really close. That's scaring me. Even when my life is seemingly going the positive way, I can't experience it. Even getting help with this is hard, not so much in actually asking, but it's been weeks since I asked for a psychologist and psychiatrist to help me. They still haven't responded. How ironic is that?

Anyways, I could go on for pages, but this should do it for now. Thanks for actually reading the post