Hi,,, I am new to this forum after just loosing my mother.. so many thoughts race through my mind.. The would of could of should of and if only loop runs over and over in my mind.. I am the wild child in my family.. they would always say.. no news is good news... I found myself in a bad relationship for 8 years and in that time didn't visit my mother once.. only seeing her for family functions... we live far apart.. but certainly not impossible.... my mother lived for her family.. my brother talked to her every day.. so knowing she had him is a comfort.. but I am beating myself up for not being in her life more... i would of gotten her healthier if I knew how bad she was....
The one comfort is that I was there when she died.. She got put in the hospital right as my plane was landing.. I think she knew it was serious when she saw me walk through the door.. I had to make decisions that no one should make... I choose Hospice and let her go in peace and with no pain.. I second guess it now and once again go into that loop.....
I have to keep saying to myself that I might not of been there when she wanted me but that I was there when she needed me.
It still seems like a crazy dream.. I just can't seem to leave her house and go back to my life. I have animals and a house that friends are taking care of , but need to get back... I just feel sooooo lost and sad... will ever end.. will i ever stop crying...