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Just found out about my wife's threesome (Page 1)

My wife and i have been married for 31 years. While on vacation during a sexual encounter to spice things up even more she thoght she would tell me about a threesome she had when she was 18. She says she can not really remember anything because she was very drunk and past out. Now i have been suffering, seening a shrink, and on Lexapro. I thought she was so innocent little did i know. Now i feel like she is not the girl i thought i was married. And each day is a struggle. She has tried to make it go away and said everything she could to help me but nothing helps. All i see from the time i wake up till i try and sleep is those two guys doing everything they wanted to my wife. Somebody please help!
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replied August 31st, 2009
Community Volunteer
First of all your wife was not your wife when this happened...She was an 18 year old girl...IMO, it was her business...The fact that she told you about this shows that she trusted you with this information and loves you...Let's face it 31 years is a long time in a marriage...I, too, am married....Near 51 lust filled years...Before we were married and when we were engaged or near engaged, I had an affair with my boss who was near 30 years older than I am...He was married, but it happened...Short of intercourse, but it was hot....I think back at that time in my life and being this young woman of 21 years old as foolish, but gaining a knowledge about life that is so important in my growing into the woman who I am....Without it, I may have not sowed my wild oats that showed their face...I know my husband well enough that if I told him this that he would accept it...I have never done this and won't...However, what this affair meant to me and the knowledge in life that it has given me in both knowing women and life, believe me I have no regrets...During the course of our marriage many women have come on to my husband too, but neither of us have strayed...Rethink your thinking....Personally, I think you are so wrong that it isn't even debatable...

Good luck,
Caroline
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replied August 31st, 2009
Experienced User
Dude, at the time of her threesome, she were not your wife. Please forgive her, she were only trying to boost up the sex life between the two of you when she revealed this to you. A lot of married men out there will allow their wives to engage in a threesome, and this happened with your wifs before she became your wife. If most men knows the true past of the women they of to marry before they marrys them, any if they are the type of men who want to marry a virgin, then there will be few that marrys, thing about it!!!!
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replied August 31st, 2009
Experienced User
CarolineEF,
You are a Blessing to this forum, Keep up the good advices to those who seek it!!!!
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replied September 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey jklmno
This is really not her problem to fix and it is a remarkable sign of grace that she's supporting you through this issue that you're having. If finding out what she did for 25 minutes of her life could unwind everything you've known about her for 31 years then you just don't know her. She isn't a different person now. You're just freaking out because you didn't think she could surprise you. She's still the remarkable lady that you've spent the last 31 years with. Stop beating up the trust in your relationship by making a big thing out of this and appreciate how fortunate you are to have a woman like this in your life.
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replied September 7th, 2009
I would like to thank everyone for the help. I am still seeing the counseler and taking the meds. It is funny she wants me to think she did nothing wrong and I do not know why. I wonder if she says that because she passed out and does not remember what happened and that is her way of dealing with it she has always said she just assumed but does not remember anything happening or is it that because she was so drunk she does not want to be held respossible for her actions. I know these things happen to good girls who allow themselves to become that vunerable then have a tremendous amount of guilt. She has said by telling me, was the worse thing she ever did besides getting that drunk in the first place it almost ruined or marriage but, in my fiirst letter i said why she said it she said the things she told me tht night she made up because she remembers nothing. As some have said that was before i ever even started dating her.sometimes I feel our marriage is at risk.
When she got that drunk it was about the first time for her to be away from home with a very strick mother, I do not think she new how to act and it was her first timme to be drunk. Any way thanks for the help i am still trying to make it.
jklmno
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replied December 22nd, 2012
She's Lying
"She doesn't remember anything. She passed out." Right. And you believe that?
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replied September 7th, 2009
Thats great that you are trying to forgive her, the other posts are right, she told you this because she trusts you. Hope you can make it through this!
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replied September 8th, 2009
hm i know that could knock your confidence a little, but try not to think about it. we all do or have done things we are not proud of. dont judge her for it, i was in the same situation as you, but you just have to realise she wants you! hope this helps!
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replied October 27th, 2009
I'm new here but man you are not thinking. Your wife was being honest with you about something she did not have to tell you at all. You weren't married when it happened. I am on my second marriage and we have been together for 24yrs plus. She lived with the man that is the father of my stepson and was married for 1 year. Neither of us have strayed from each other. We have some problems now but it is not from our past. Think, she is still your wife and she still loves you the same. If I would of worried about my wifes past I would not of married her and would not have my son today. You can't change what has happened in the past. And you were not part of her life at the time.
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replied October 28th, 2009
you're really being very self-centered about this. shouldn't she be the one going to therapy if she feels that maybe this was something she did not want at the time? And if she doesn't feel this way, then why do you? People have their own demons to conquer and you shouldn't waste time on hers - think about your own! Do you trust your wife? If not, that is why you should be in therapy, not the fact that she had a threesome decades ago. Give it up.
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replied October 28th, 2009
you're really being very self-centered about this. shouldn't she be the one going to therapy if she feels that maybe this was something she did not want at the time? And if she doesn't feel this way, then why do you? People have their own demons to conquer and you shouldn't waste time on hers - think about your own! Do you trust your wife? If not, that is why you should be in therapy, not the fact that she had a threesome decades ago. Give it up.
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replied November 3rd, 2009
If you really can't get your mind round this then you should go and see a psychiatrist. Tell him everything. Don't hold back because he/she won't be judging you or your wife. He/she will help you over this time and when you come out the other end you will find that everything is Ok and your life and sex life will be back to normal. Don't be ashamed of seeing a psychiatrist. They are better trained than a councilor. Go see you G.P and he will suggest a good one for your case
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replied November 7th, 2009
I understand your anxieties,just keep in mind that you just learned about n incident in your wife's life,after being with her for many years,so you feel as if a comfort zone isnt there any more. It doesnt change the fact that you have been together for so long that you two can probably finish each other's sentances.You will get over it eventually,trust me.As long as you two have been together, you owe it to her (and therapy does help in the long term,)to try and come to grips with her past.she did no wrong,she wasnt with you, and shes been your wife for 31 yrs,shes yours,man g luck
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replied November 23rd, 2009
Experienced User
She shouldn't have told you. Some things are better left unsaid, like sexual exploits. We don't have to discuss all our experiences with our significant other.

I think it's a lesson that you can't know everthing about someone because of their demeanor. We shouldn't judge people as only sweet, kind, or whatever other likable attribute we choose.

That's what sets up dissapointment. Maybe this experience in your wife's past has prompted you to question some of your assumptions about her. That's not necessarily a bad thing. People have fantasies that aren't politically correct.

Don't worry about it.
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replied November 23rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I can't imagine a scenario where things work out better by lying about facts about yourself with your significant other. If you feel that you can't be completely honest with the person you hope to share a life with then maybe its a sign that you need to clean up your act or find someone that will accept you for who you are.
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replied November 23rd, 2009
Experienced User
"Total honesty destroys relationships." That's a quote I really identify with that was written by a highly educated mental-health care professional. No one tells everything about every single thing they've done in their life. Likewise, people keep some things to themselves--even with family. We don't tell close friends and loved ones every single thought that we had about them at times of annoyance.

Complete honesty... I'm not a moralist. I'm not seeking to fulfill an ideal like "complete honesty." Don't be confused though! I am an honest person. That may sound like a contradiction and it's not. I'm not an embodiement of an ideal.

Honesty is important, but not as an ideal. For me, that's a truth.
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replied November 23rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Not sharing everything is certainly healthy. Volunteering unpleasantries is rarely a good plan in any social situation. However the decision that you'll keep facts from your partner becomes a problem when you're asked about them or find yourself in a position where it's not ethical not to volunteer the information. Then your omission turns into a lie.
I'll make no bones about this, every lie big or small is a poison in your love of another human, be it family or mentor or a lover or a spouse. Trust is the foundation that love is built on. You can certainly love someone that has deceived you or even betrayed you but it's not easy and love is hard enough when both sides are doing what they should. Anything that you would decide to keep secret from your partner is exactly the sort of information you should be disclosing without being asked.
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replied October 1st, 2010
Wow dude you say she admitted this while you were trying to "spice" things up. Sounds like that encounter was a hot experience for her. Are you sure your anxiety isn't over the fact those images in your head actually turn you on ?
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replied October 1st, 2010
Um, if she's been your wife for 31 years, you should know her. You've been married longer than she'd been alive at the time, so I think you take precedence.
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replied February 11th, 2012
I have been married for 17 years and for nearly half of that time we have been relatively open.
I can not help but disagree with the folks who are talking about honesty.
Where was this honesty during the first 30 years? I'm not saying that what she did before you were married was wrong, but I can't imagine keeping a secret like that for so long. IMO this kind of thing must have come up in her thoughts during previous conversations and she chose not to mention it. Intentionally keeping a great secret that ones knows would be relevant to his/her partner is the same as lying.
The threeome wouldnt bother me but the 30 year secret would be hard for me to forgive.
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