Dating Forum - Jealousy and possessiveness in relationship

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Q: Jealousy and possessiveness in relationship

asked by: Macias on July 28th, 2008

Experienced User

I want to tell you a story and please tell me your opinion.
I'm together with my bf since almost two years now, and i guess we already know each other quite well. 6 months ago i was looking for job besides my study, and i found a good offer, and my bf was happy by that, at the same moment his brother was looking also for a job, so my bf told him about the job i got and he applied for it after i already started it and he was also accepted and we became colleagues.
All that was very good.
Yesterday I was kinda paranoid, because my bf was with me the night before and he left early, then he called me back telling me that he forgot his porte-money in my place and he came back and we were looking together but we didn't find it. (anyway before he comes to me the night before he told me that he was in his place). When we didn't find his porte-money he told me maybe he left it in his place and he went quickly to look for it... then after 10 minutes i called him asking if he found it, and he said yes, so i asked: where? he said in the atelier (he's a painter and he has an atelier). at this moment i became suddenly furious and curious, asked him oh you told me you were home before visiting me, when did you go to the atelier and left your porte-money there and why you didn't tell me!!!!??? all in one second... so he turned very angry and he told me that i'm investigating him, and he said that yes he was at home and at the atelier...

Anyway I felt sorry that reacted like this, it was like i misstrusted him, and he recognized that from my questions and for sure he didn't like it. but i apologized directly after 10 minutes. but it seems he was so angry and he didn't really accept my sorry.

we didn't talk after it, but i wrote him an email this evening telling him that i was in a weird mood and paranoid, and i told him that i went out with my colleagues at work for a cafe in the evening (including his brother).

Today he called me with a very hard voice, and he asked me: with whom did u go out last evening? i said with your brother, x and z... And he started to shoot me with his words: ah you just called my brother to investigate about me and to know where am I etc..etc...
So my answer was: why shall i do that? I would simply call u if i wanna know where you are. Your brother is my colleague and it's not the first time that we go out with the group... and he continued saying no but you asked him about me and this is because you're investigating. I sweared to him that I just asked by politeness not more and i didn't have any back-thought. But he asked me: plz don't ask my brother again about me. so i said yes it's so easy. and asked him: do u want me also not to go out with him at all? and my bf didn't answer.

so that's it.... Now i wonder: is my bf jealous from his brother? or he's just angry that i asked him these questions in the morning? or both of them?

Replies(13)

mominashoe

replied on July 31st, 2008

Moderator

I don't think that this has anything to do with his brother and being jealous, though some brothers are by nature jealous of their brothers for whatever reasons. It's just nerves and petty quarreling, and I believe that he is still angry with you over a misunderstanding for which you were angry with him. The subsequent conversation is supposed to be getting back at you for asking him where he was. It can end up a really wild vertex if you don't put an end to it now. Emailing back in forth is a very good idea for now...get out what you want to say with the purpose of ended the argument. Don't speak except in email until both of you have cooled off. You won't be able to say things rashly and as quickly when you have to type it out.

There is the possibility that he might have things to hide that his brother could tell you, but that might something a little deeper than I can advise on with what you've given me to go on.

Macias

replied on August 5th, 2008

Experienced User

Thank you mominashoe for your helpful reply...
Today there was another situation which proved to me that he's really jealous from his brother.
We set a date in downtown, as he will pick me up then we will find a place to stay together for a while, i arrived before him and while I was waiting for him I met coincidentaly his brother who was making some shopping and I stayed for a moment talking to him and told him that i'm waiting for his brother. When my boyfriend arrived he just saw me talking to his brother and smiling. Then his brother left and i went with my boyfriend in the car asking why didn't he take him up with us in the car, then he told me: "I'm not a taxi".
At this time, i asked where shall we go, so he repeated the same question so i suggested to go to my place, so he replied NO I DON'T have much time. So my second question was automatically ah so you have much to do, he said yes. So I said ok then, and know that I missed you.
And this last word made him on fire: he said: you are stressing me... and he was totally furious and angry as if i've said: I hate you or something.

Then we had to walk a little in a park because i wanted to calm the situation a little bit, then he was a little bit calm... and while we were walking i saw another guy I know so i told my bf: oh you see that guy? he's my friend's flatmate. So he said something like: ah and you also see him? but he didn't really continue the sentence as he realized he was over reacting, and i didn't react, i pretended i didn't hear it.

So our outing today was totally bad, we fought and i recognized how jealous he is.

I returned back home very sad.
I don't know how to deal with that.
especially that he's gonna travel for 20 days then i will also travel for 20 days so there is like 35 days we won't see each other.

No he's saying that he's preparing for his travel and very busy.

mominashoe

replied on August 5th, 2008

Moderator

This looks to me like a very unstable and emotionally abusive relationship. I know you might love this guy, but if you can't be happy while you are with him and he's not making you happy, then it is time to move on.

See how your relationship does over the course of the next 35 days that you will be away. When you see him again after this time of separation, you will be able to see clearly whether he is the right person for you. It is possible that you just need a break from each other, but angry jealousy isn't something that you are going to want in your relationship at all: that's not what love is about.

Macias

replied on August 5th, 2008

Experienced User

Hi mominashoe , thanks again for your reply.
But I'm happy with this guy, it's just from time to time he turns angry.
After I went home very sad, he called me, asked about me and told me that he's just stressed because of the official papers and the things he has to prepare before his travel.
Last year I've been travelling for two months and we were more than happy together, it's not that I will be testing our relationship again.

I think my problem now is: I'm caring about this 35 days we will be away and I need more attention and affection while he's just very busy and stressed.

I hope that in the few next days we will be able to meet more aften and spend some good time together before he goes.

I just took a relaxant, and I will be alright hopefully soon.

mominashoe

replied on August 5th, 2008

Moderator

He needs to learn how to take out his aggressions and stress on someone other than you. It could lead to a very serious trouble.

I am not saying that you don't love him. I am saying that you need to stop thinking with your heart and listen to what your mind is telling you. You also need to not depend so much on his love and attention: being this needy and dependent isn't a good thing (especially during these hard times) and it's always a good idea to have something else such as a hobby or something that you enjoy to fall back on while he's away or stressed or both.

Macias

replied on August 5th, 2008

Experienced User

This is a very good advice, I will try to make myself busy somewhat.
And what my mind says to me right now is: I have to give him some space while he's stressed or busy.

mominashoe

replied on August 5th, 2008

Moderator

Very very good. Bravo!! party

Macias

replied on August 6th, 2008

Experienced User

today is different

As yesterday i was so sad and anxious because of my bf.
Today he was totally the opposite, he was sooo nice to the level that i was suprised and I actually told him so.
He was all the time hugging and kissing me, very caring and asking about how i'm doing and feeling... that's very very weird.
As if he felt that he was really very rude to me yesterday so he wanted to fix the things.
Honestly I have a weird feeling, I'm happy but not very happy, I'm confused.
And I guess maybe he will become rude again when he will be stressed again.
Ok, I will try to learn to give him this space when he's in that mood.

Sukki

replied on September 7th, 2008

Experienced User

macias.. i assume this is ur 'new' bf? after reading ur prev.posts.
good going..
maybe ur bf is jealous his bro will snatch u away..nevr had this prob with my ex though whom i am close with his bro (phaps more than him) i even bought his bro a mobile.^^

pixiefay

replied on January 7th, 2009

New User

My silly story

My boyfriends line of work, as a look-a-like for a well known sexy hollywood star, brings him into close contact with many sexy women who always flirt and try it on- to keep in character, he obviously flirts back- which doesn't bother me that much, but at the same time- he never really flirts with me.

He's not the type of guy who will compliment me either, but he'd compliment another of his lady friends- for example, if I have a nice photo taken, he won't mention it, but if a female friend of his has a sexy photo, he'll comment on it- not rudely, or brash- but he'll notice it. Does he notice mine?

I buy sexy new underwear, dress up- no reaction.

I know for a fact, that he used to have online relationships with women, and share some rather intimate photos and webcam footage (because I was one of them), but I also know he's stopped this. Because of it tho, when he signs into MSN, I think he's talking to one of them- I find myself getting jealous of his LAPTOP!! How ridiculous is that?

We've been together a year now, I've lived with him for 6 months and we get on great, and are really really close, but I can't help but getting Jealous, when he doesn't give me any feedback! I've told him, that I'd like more feedback, but he says he shouldn't have to give it to me, and to stop being daft.

Should he have to give it to me? Am I being selfish, wanting my ego stroked?

Macias

replied on January 7th, 2009

Experienced User

Hi pixiefay,
I totally understand your jealousy. And don't say that you're jealous of his laptop, no you're jealous from his behavior online. Let me ask you about his age please.
Why should he talk to girls over the internet? Maybe he's just doing some surfing or researches.
Anyway, I've been through this when i was teenage, i used to chat online and have what we called "a virtual life" (just over the internet and nothing is real in it). Afterwards i developped a depression because i used to live in my virtual life more than in the real one. And I became more closed, don't want to go out much, have a panic when the computer isn't there or the internet connection is cut.
Now when i'm thinking about all that I say, what a stupidity to waste all that time in such a non-real life.
So what i wanted to tell you about is that, none of these chatting friendships is real. and you should not stress on that much.
inform me more.

pixiefay

replied on January 8th, 2009

New User

Hiya Macias,
Thanks for your Reply.
He is 29 years old- He's spend most of his adult life, meeting people from the internet.
Apart from his friends from Uni, everyone in his life, he has met on chatlines etc- he's been in one relationship before, for 2 1/2 years, who he met on the internet.

He's had various sexual relations with other women, hes met on the net.

When we got together, I asked him to stop chatting to people in that way, and to removed himself from dating sites, which he has done to some extent, but he still speaks to women that were already on his MSN.

I guess it is just trust, but its hard when he spends all his time on it- sometimes till 4am, whilst I have to wait up for him.

And when we first got together, he nearly cheated on me with someone from the net..

I just wish he would give it up !!

Cellista

replied on July 14th, 2009

New User

pixiefay,

I was once in a relationship, it lasted 2 years, with a man that sounds very much like yours. We also lived together, and got along great. The only thing between us was his computer, and the women he met using it. I did the same thing, I asked him to give it up. It appeared he did, he told me he did....but he lied. I'm not saying you have the same problem, but it took me a little time, and a little digging around to find out. It's easy to cover your tracks online.

Just be aware, and don't shrug off your instincts as a woman. I did for a while, and in the end, I was wrong. And he wasn't just chatting with them either.

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