Relationships and Marriage Forum - Ive had a threesome and now its backfired

Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum > Ive had a threesome and now its backfired

Q: Ive had a threesome and now its backfired

asked by: favorite on August 1st, 2009

New User

last yr my husband and i engaged on a threesome with his mate.For 23yrs he kept on to me to have one with another man but i said no. doing these yrs my husband hasnt been the gentlest of lovers towards me and hes always wanted me to tell him of the men ive slept with before.ive hated doing this but i just closed my eyes and done as he wished. He hasnt never done oral on me and likes me penetrating him with toys. Until this mate came along i never wanted a theesome but having met him and got to know him, me and the mate realized we were developing feelings for eachother so i done the act. Our feelings got stronger over time even without the sex , then one day my husband told me he was bisexual and had past relationships with men, and he also had feelings for his mate.i thought at that time i could handle him being bi, untill he kept on he wanted to do oral on his mate. i was stupid enough to encourage this act because i needed proof to myself that, that was why my husband had issues with our sex life over the yrs. his mate took mths of me coaxing him to allow this and he did. he would in no way touch my husband. this continued and it made me sicker and sicker then my husband says he wants to be penetrated and is quiet forcefull in trying but his mate flatley refuses to do it. i put a stop to the 3some for 2mths now because i feel so worthless, i dont have sex with either of them, yet me and his mate r so much in love. My husband is now getting sulky because i dont give him sex at all, yet he makes me feel guilty that i should . I have told him that his being bi is difficult for me to handle and im so mixed up, but he says its my fault i encouraged it and he loves me. What do i do please help me . Ive made so many mistakes. His mate makes me feel like a woman something ive never felt before. yet im riddled with guilt, hurt, confusion and self distruction.

Replies(16)

W0LF

replied on August 1st, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

Well
Figure out which man you'd rather be with and be with them.

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ServiceU

replied on August 1st, 2009

Supporter

are you sure your husband is bi and not gay?
you didnt feel weird when he wanted you to penetrate him with toys!
i m all about keeping marriage together if at all possible. do you think that yall can go to counseling?
my next opinion is you dont have to except that he is bisexual. he wasnt honest with you in the beginning.
and conserning the other man, you have to be careful because it might not turn out to be that fairytale relationship. what if he wants to continue a threesome? what if he has strong urges for that life style.
i dont want you to go from one bad situation to another.
follow your heart, but use your head.
good luck!!!

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favorite

replied on August 4th, 2009

New User

Im so scared of what my future holds, my head feels like its going to explode. My head hurts so much now im experienceing dizzy spells.Im pretty certain my lover says he would never ask me to repeat a three some if we were together because he doesnt want to share me and couldnt bear to see me with someone else,but i just dont know any more. i tried to tell my hubby how i feel but he cries and says he adores me and i feel so guilty. Do i have sex with him cause its a wifes role? Do i stay because itll hurt to many ppl and just make the best of it? If i tell him to leave he"ll have nothing, and what if he trys to end his life like hes threatened to? And have i just blown this situation out of proportion? Is he really bi or GAY i dont know. he says to me that he cant be gay because he couldnt live with a man! God im in a mess and i got know where to go. im so appreciative of your advise your all got

mina2103

replied on August 5th, 2009

New User

It sounds like he is in denial. He can't live with a man because that would make him 'gay' therefore this idea disgusts him.
It is possible for gay men to have sex with women. It sounds to me like he is gay and not even bi, as he has pressed at the idea of having a 3 some for a while. If he is bi I suspect he is very much more inclined towards men than he is women.
I think he would never propose the idea of a threesome again because he may have suspected you were developing feelings for his friend (whom he really likes) and has a fear of losing you and being left with nothing.

If you stay with him, you will only be staying with him to prevent any hurt towards him. This in the long run will only cause resentment. x

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W0LF

replied on August 5th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

Hey favorite
Your husband is not gay. Gay men can not have sex with women. It doesn't much matter what his preference is. He's your husband.

It sounds like you need to take some time to sort out the marriage and decide where you are going from here. You might sit down and talk to your husband about a trial separation.

Also it's not acceptable to be threatenned with suicide when you try to communicate about things that aren't working in a relationship. If your husband threatens suicide again, he's either serious and needs help or he's manipulating you, either way the correct responce is to isntitutionalize him until a doctor believes he's not a suicide risk.

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favorite

replied on August 8th, 2009

New User

thanks mina 2103 and wolf. I do appeciate ur advise, he has actually asked to do another 3some with our friend included and i have found out that he is also saying sexually advances to his friend and calls him sexy behind my bk and asking his friend if he knows of other men that would pay him to give blow jobs to.Somebody who i have confided to which is a female has said hes probably only joking and im blowing things up because theres no problem with him being bi. They are not aware of the threesome, because i was so ashamed to tell them.I cant see the point in marriage guidance because im 99% sure i dont want to be with him but to damn scared to leave for hurting him so badly. I have no family to go to and i have asked for help from the council but the wont help because of my name is on the deeds to my currant home. So im suck here.

mina2103

replied on August 11th, 2009

New User

Be true to yourself..

Awww favourite, dont feel alone. I see the good in wolf's advice. I still do believe that he needs sexual gratification from a bloke because he has strong feelings towards men. If you do your research you will find it is never the case that a man is 50% inclined to both sexes - hence my opinion he is very much inclined towards men.
As for gay men not being able to have sex with women, that is utter garbage. I can say this with confidence because first off, I have a close friend who is gay and because he is asian, he will never come out. Now he has admitted this to me and secondly, I have far too many posts from gay men expressing that they have all along been gay but called themselves bisexual for the most part of their lives and even got married as they could not accept they were gay. They have stated that as long as they are stimulated in the right way, it is possible to have sex with a woman.
That aside, I still think your husband loves you dearly (emotionally) which is why he is so upset at the thought of you ever leaving. I also think decisions like these can make many people feel lost, alone and even suicidal. Be supportive of him and what he is. I know you already are. But also be true to yourself. x

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mina2103

replied on August 11th, 2009

New User

By the way, please don't feel ashamed of the threesome. You should tell your friends everything (the closest will never judge you)as this way your friends can give you sound advice with the full picture in mind.

nemequittemas

replied on August 13th, 2009

New User

If your husband is showing tendencies of cheating, regardless of the gender he is showing interest in, that is NOT OKAY!

This is your life, favorite. If you are not in love with your husband, do not receive any sexual gratification in being with him, and are only staying because you're afraid of what HE will do... you're staying for the wrong reasons. Choose love, or choose sympathy. Do not answer to both.

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W0LF

replied on August 14th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

There is only one trait that all gay men share, that is that they have sex with men to the exclusion of all genders. I don't write dictionaries, there's not a point in arguing with me about how they define words. Saying that gay men pretend to be bisexual because of a fear of coming out of the closet is kind of like saying that Iced tea is sometimes hot if you just heat it up enough to melt the ice. There are words that describe what a thing is, the word that describes any creatures that has sex with both genders is "bisexual".

favorite
You're never stuck, it may be inconventient to leave but it sounds like you're really uncomfortable staying with him now. Take some time off from him, stay with your parents for a few weeks and take some time to sort things out without distractions.

Users who thank W0LF for this post: favorite breck08

mina2103

replied on August 15th, 2009

New User

That's a reasonable statement Wolf. Its my opinion to believe that anybody who is bisexual is more inclined to one sex over another. This is based on personal experience and what I know from research. I am not discrediting your opinion. I want favourite to be realistic when making a decision, as she will be the one living with it for the rest of her life.

I agree with nemequittemas, if the intent to cheat is there (regardless of gender), then I would already be questioning the relationship. Good luck and let us know. Remember, we're here for you.

marylander38

replied on August 17th, 2009

New User

Hi favorite, what were the issues you and your husband had with your sex life? I have issues with my husband as well, so I would like to compare your situation with mine. My husband also wants a threesome with another man, and that makes me think he is gay although he denies it. He says he likes to look at naked men. Only once he asked me to penetrate him with toys. But he felt ashamed after that and never brought up the subject again. He says he is not gay and that he loves women, specially blonde young women (I am no blonde by the way). But, he says he would prefer a threesome with another man instead of with a woman because he would not do anything to the man, he would only look. Whereas with another woman he would have to do all the work. He also says he doesn't mind getting a blow job from the guy. Today he is not talking to me because last night he brought up the subject of having another man on our bed and I called him gay. He says it would do nothing for him to be naked with another man if there is not a girl in between, but I think he would just be using me to be with the other guy. I was about to say yes because he has been insisting sooo much, but I don't want to end up feeling the same way as you.

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favorite

replied on August 18th, 2009

New User

Marylander38, I f u love him and u dont want a threesome then dont do it please its not worth the upset and confusion you`ll feel if your partner turns like mine.I too felt presured into it, but i also feel in love with the 3rd party and i didnt mean to, and im not proud of it but i have, and he tells me he"feels the same" im so confused i dont know if hes telling me the truth or not. For yrs my partner kept on and on for us to do it and he said he didnt want another woman cause I would get to jelous, and i fell for it cause i thought he was thinking of me . huh how wrong i was. I never once saw the warning signs i onestly didnt. i did sex acts with him that i shouldnt of on many occasions, i had to make up stories about my previous sex life so he could get turned on, use toys, listen to him telling me how he imagined how big another man was if he found them attactive.And i now u must think my god she was stupid, but i onestly thought he was teasing me. untill it all came out, and even now i dont do my wifely duties and ive told him how confused i am and unhappy, although he doesnt mention his bisexuality in the house nomore, i KNOW for a fact that me makes them outside and out of my earshot. Icant approach him about it because i promised the other person i wouldnt.And yet Marlander hes trying to be so nice to me , hes like a jeckle and hyde. Dont get screwed up like i am its a horrible feeling.

Users who thank favorite for this post: marylander38

W0LF

replied on August 18th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy

Hey marylander38
I agree with Favorite. A threesome is kind of like putting a gun to the head of your relationship. The few couples that survive it and grow stronger in their love usually do so because they've proven that their love is stronger than the emotional chaos that follows a threesome. While strong love is admirable nobody should go seeking stress-tests for their love. It's not healthy. The bulk of couples that bring a third into their sex life break up shortly afterwards. You're never prepared for how'll you'll react when having sex with someone else.

If you're having any hesitation at all don't do this. Don't do anything sexually if you have doubts. If your partner is harassing you about it tell him you understand his interests, when you feel comfortable with the idea you'll approach him. If he doesn't stop pressuring you 'll never feel comfortable with the idea.

Users who thank W0LF for this post: marylander38

marylander38

replied on August 19th, 2009

New User

Thanks Wolf and favorite. And favorite, I would never think you are stupid at all. I feel I am stupid for being with someone who wants different things that I want. But you are right, I love my husband. And at the same time, I think he is a very selfish person. He pressures me into wanting to have a threesome and when he sees that I want to leave him, he starts acting all nice and says he loves me. He makes dinner, goes grocery shopping, does the dishes, and acts so happy and in love with me. But months later, he is back into pressuring me on a threesome and says I am too boring for not wanting to do it, this only lasts for a few days until I get mad. I feel like I am wasting my time with him but when he acts all nice and sweet, it's hard for me to just leave him. And favorite, I would feel just as confused as you are if my husband and I had another man in our lives. But it's not your fault and there is nothing to be ashamed of. It is your partner's fault and you did it for him and when you love someone, you try to please that person. I wish you left your partner for his mate, because he deserves it. But this is your decision to make. What I recommend is that you walk away from both of them and get your thoughts together as to what is that you want to do. Don't feel ashamed or bad if you are in love with the mate, because it is not your fault. In my case, I wish I could find a blonde girl who is into threesomes so that I could introduce her to my husband so that they live happily ever after and he would leave me alone. That way I wouldn't feel so bad about leaving him.

favorite

replied on August 26th, 2009

New User

marylander38, i think our fellas are twins and were seperated at birth. Its such a comfort to know im not the only one going through this not that i wish this lonelyness and confusion on anyone.I get so frustrated with myself because i havent got the guts to say what i feel and leave, yet i want to so badly. I know in my heart i would destroy my husband if i did, but on saying that i keep asking myself if he loved me why did he pressure me into doing this, and why after all these years did i say yes, why!!!. My friend who ive confided in keeps saying to me when am i going to react to what he says about other men and the way he disrecpects me , and i say i dont know i wish i did but its like im numb.Nothing seems to effect me no more, i dont feel hurt, anger, happyness,i just feel so lonely. Why am i like this, can anyone tell me that, why cant i say and do what i feel. Im not affraid of him, cause i know he wouldnt beat me again them days are gone. Maybe its because i have no self respect? i dont know anymore.

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