idk where to even start, I feel so exhausted even thinking about this, but I feel like I need to voice out my concerns. I'm only 31 years old and I feel like I'm 65 with everything that I have been through with my now current husband. I met him when I was just barely turning 19 and I should have listened to him when he stated " we're not meant to be" and I have tried to move on without him and started dating, but he was always there keeping me at an arms length. While he did what he wanted to do ( parties,drugs, drinking, even dealing with him going to jail ) I was suppose to be a good girl and stay home, even though initially we weren't together. And then it happened, I got pregnant at the age of 21, he wanted an abortion ( of course he'd deny it now ) and I did everything to keep my child even if my parents didn't agree with it. A year and a half later i ended up in a very bad rut, i was tired of working graveyard shifts and having no support emotionally and having my money taken away every pay check when I lived with him, and having to bury my brother, I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a hospital. He left me, and sued for complete child support, i ended up becoming homeless for almost a year and a half,
I'm not sure how we ended up together again, but we are, well technically , we're just room mates . He sleeps in another room while my nine year old and five year old sometimes sleeps with me because i hate being alone. Because I have pts and other disorders I am currently undergoing a case dealing with disability. And this seems to give him fuel and reason to hurt me emotionally even more. He uses my issues against me if we start arguing, and commonly says " you have issues" if he does something such as an errand, he use it against me and has a need to point out the things he deserves(demanding) but yet he wants me to 'take care' of him. I tried to explain to him that it's hard because he never once in the last 15 years really ever made me feel like i was valuable to him. He has only taken me out on a nice dinner once. Most of my birthdays and Valentines days...even christmas ( i don't get anything..and I really mean i don't get anything) were ignored because he feels like he shouldn't bother since I don't do anything for him ( which i have, with the little money i do gander, i've made him nice dinners, a cake and tried, i don't exactly have the rescources to buy him the gifts he feels he deserves, even though when i did have money i had bought him jewelry, roses, ect)
I tried with best efforts 'to understand' him but isn't understanding a two way street? I'm so tired of feeling like this, when all I wanted was to be loved and appreciated.
He even went as far as to say, that I could work under the table and scam disability and doesn't care if I'd get sentenced to prison for fraud. Which I can;t work even if i wanted to, I have PTS and extreme social anxiety
I have found random women on his yahoo, that he has claimed that were advertisements, I have found numbers of other females in his wallet, I tell him I'm tired, and his responses are always " im tired too" it's always about the me syndrome with him. I just feel like he wants a mommy and not a wife. I already have two kids to take care of I don;t need another.
I'm really considering just moving on with my life, divorce , but I'm afraid of what impact this will have on my girls. He often promises he'll change but that lasts for only a few days, even my only friend jokes and pokes about that. It's a common joke around those I know. The more I try the more he treats me worse.
I just can;t do this anymore. I'm too young for this. And I am soo tired of being so alone and not just physically, but emotionally.
Do you really think staying with him is good for your girls? What type of lesson are you teaching your girls? They look at you and your husband and see how a woman should act. I am sure your girls would respect you more if you left and you would be teaching them that people should not be treated like that.
Sorry for all you're going through. I know the feeling of not being loved and appreciated all too well. I'm leaving a marriage of nearly 8 years, due to emotional and physical abuse (mostly emotional). When it comes down to this and living with all this anxiety day in and day out b/c your partner has brought about all this unnecessary stress into your life, is it worth staying in a marriage and trying to make it work? I mean, your partner is abusing you, and you shouldn't tolerate that one bit. I know you're probably trying to make things work for the sake of your child, but trust me, your daughter will thank you later on in life for taking her out of that environment. No child should ever be exposed to abuse. It's taken me many years to have realized this, but I've finally decided that being a single mom with 3 boys is better than being married to an abuser. It's not fair to you or your child, so I hope that you gain the strength and courage to leave this environment. It's already affected you in so many ways. Do what's best for you and your child. Your partner doesn't seem to care...he only seems to care about controlling you. I've been there, so I know. Keep your chin up and always know that you're worth it (despite of what he may say to you on a daily basis). Take Care.
You are just 31 years old! People get divorced in their 70's. But first check with some good lawyer your chances of getting child custody (your mental history might be a problem). Get a job, save money, go get help from woman's abusive center in your area. Go get a life...