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It's one or the other

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You have a life, or you cut. You have hope, or you cut. Why then have I just done this? I don't feel numb when I cut myself, I feel alive. Im not encouraging others to do this, don't do it. I've not cut myself for over a year, and I thought I was 'cured'. I think it stays inside you the whole time. Yes being alone is a factor. Yes alcohol is a factor. If only I keep away from those triggers I wont have to cut and then I wont have to hide myself from everyone. I want to have perfect unblemished skin, but I won't. The damage is done and I live with constant reminders of my damaged mind; damaged body. Even if I didn't cut I'd still be hideous. Even if I didn't cut I'd still be alone. I'd still be twisted and tormented. My life, is, empty. So cold and empty. All I have right now is the red. Red wine and red arm.

I hope now that I have cut again, I won't feel the need to do so again and again. Maybe this was one for 'old times sake'. To not cut again I will.... enjoy the sunshine on my bare arms. I will, moisturise and nourish my skin rather than destroy it. I will pamper and treat myself as I should be treated. Not like a butchers carcass, even If I feel like a carcass. The more rotten I feel, the more I will give to and encourage myself. One hateful inner thought will result in 5 beautiful and self affirming thoughts and actions. Imagine if someone else cut you with a knife, you would be HORRIFIED. This is no different. This is worse. This is actually torturing yourself.

I wish I had someone to talk to, I've been waiting 8 months for counselling now, but then, I find I always lie to counsellers to make them go away. Self-destructive by nature you see.
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