Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

It's been a year since we broke up and I'm just as heartbroken

My girlfriend and I broke up last November, and it has been quite a rollercoaster since then. I was a complete arsehole to her, and deserved to be dumped. For a while it was very bitter between us, but then we grew close again and began to see each other. We were both still very much in love and slept together, went out together etc. However, things grew difficult when I drunkenly and inexcusably slept with one of her friends. Although we weren't going out we were extremely close and it hurt her.

From there things went downhill. This was about 6 months or so after we had broken up, but we managed to be close again. After a while I began to be stand offish with her because she would never open up to me, and that led to us growing apart. It was also due to the fact I had, and still have, severe problems with depression, and took it out on her subconsciously.

After a while I began to get worried that it was a permanent thing so tried to rectify the situation. However she said she didn't want that. So we stopped talking. After a month or so, I met a girl and went out with her, but it ended because I said I wasn't sure. Then I went to Africa for a month, and in that time realised how much I loved my ex, and wanted to make it work. I had matured from the experienced and was prepared to work so hard and give everything to be back with her. When I told her this she told me she had moved on and was seeing someone else.

Needless to say, I was distraught. It has been a while since then, and on numerous times I have told her I loved her, and expressed an interest in trying again. She says she still has a soft spot for me, but the old feelings of love have gone. She says that the relationship was too serious and she was sick of worrying and is happier now than she was then.

I know I could make it work given a second chance. She used to love me so much, I used to be her absolute priority, but now I'm just her friend. I miss her so much, and wish we could be together again. I can't move on, all my friends tell me to but I just can't. I love her so much that I have become pathetic - crying at films when the couple get together when normally I would have been bored.

People have said maybe I miss it because I was so used to it, but it isn't that. I've also been told that maybe I just want what I can't have, but that can't be true because I decided I wanted it while I still believed that it was possible. If anyone can give me any advice that can just ease this, I would really appreciate it. I want to move on as I feel like !**@! the whole time, and I just want to be happy again.
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replied November 18th, 2008
Experienced User
I'm very sorry to hear that story, but I'm glad you stayed out of trouble and did something with your life. My ex drank and quit his job to work at a grocery store after we broke up, so you definitely could be worse off.

You hurt her a few too many times for her to let you back into her life. I suspect that if you were to ever get back together, trust issues would surface again, so it probably would not be worth while. You've both changed dramatically and you may find that another go would never be as good as the first.

I also disagree with your friends' advice. For you emotionally, the relationship simply took a hiatus and you were completely willing to try again after you solved your problems, but she had other plans and probably saw the break-up as more permanent.

But you have to understand that while you were trying to make it work, trying to better yourself, she had already begun to push you away and move on. She probably knew it wasn't going to last for quite some time. She has had all that time to heal that you haven't, so it will take you a while to get to that point, but you will. I have no doubt she loved you like no one else or she wouldn't have been so concerned for you, but she probably fell out of love for you and gave up responsibility for you a long time ago.

That, I think, is what you need to come to terms with. That it's over. Once you admit that, you will feel so much worse than before, but then you will start getting better each day.

Feel better. Avoid talking to her completely (it will help) and go out and have fun. Good luck.
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Users who thank Sereena for this post: ZeroSum 

replied December 15th, 2008
Thank you
I think that's the first time anyone has givem me advice I really respected. I'd never even considered it like that - thank you so much.
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replied December 15th, 2008
Community Volunteer
I think the above poster gave you excellent advice...You can love someone with your whole heart and soul, but you must be loved back or it just doesn't work....You have hurt her badly and she can't change....There is a certain part in a woman when the giving stops because it has to....I believe there is truly more than a term of a "broken heart"...It can be real....

I loved and do love someone as much as you love her, but it doesn't and wouldn't work...Like you I struggled, but I made it....But, it was rough....A very wise doctor gave me some advice and I followed it...He told me....You know that this person and you can not make it...You have tried and keep falling into that deep pit of despair....It must stop......This he said to me because of my health........He continued, "When you miss this person so badly that you want to talk to it, sit down and write the person a letter...Pour out your heart and soul and seal it.....Then get up and tear it up and throw it away"....

About three months after I received this information from him I called him...I was in deep despair and needed advice....I told him of my sorrow...He told me do it again...Write the person...Cry as you write...Pour out your heart and this time tear it into smaller pieces......I got off the phone and did this too....

That was near five years ago.....That was the last letter I wrote....I wish you well,

Caroline
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